“To find out what is truly individual in ourselves,…”

 “… profound reflection is needed; and suddenly we realize how uncommonly difficult the discovery of individuality is.”

Okay this is going to be a rant.

I am so sick and tired of not knowing who I am and what the hell I am doing here on this thing called earth.  If the Ggods have a clue I wish they would include me in their insights.  I have just taken a day of reflection(not working) and this journey through depression SUCKS!

My friends have to live with pain, psychotic breaks, shame and fear!  I live with all of them except maybe psychotic breaks.  Why?  So I can live this life of what feels like aimless wandering from day to day, reaching and grasping for something that gives my life meaning and purpose.  What the hell is that all about?  What is so crucial for me to know about myself that I have gone into this five years of what seems to me to be, again, aimless wandering, searching for an answer to questions that I don’t even know.

“The best… work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others.” I dont know if I am better at this than I was before the depression took over.  You see I live, when I am not conscious of those and what is around me, in my mind.  Not in my brain, which knows life is wonder full and awe full and the place where I dont have to live in fear. I live in a house of mirrors, that at the slightest provocation, can render me helpless and hopeless.

” I am concerned with the woes of the world and their causes, and I at least try to do something about them.”  I feel that I can help those who suffer from what are called “mental illness,” problems in life.  But I dont feel like I am doing enough to help my fellow sufferers.  I know that there are way more who suffer from this dis-ease than are in the mainstream consciousness.  I was told a while ago, by a man who is a student of AA history, that 6 out of the 20 people who wrote stories that were included in the back of the “Big Book,” of A.A. committed suicide.  Thirty percent of the original people who had “recovered from a seemingly hopeless disease,”(1) killed themselves after getting sober.

Now I see why this blog is titled the way it is.  We get sober and then we suffer from the maladies we drank over.  But back on point.  There is a part of me that wants to save every man and woman from going through what I have had to go through. It sucks.  But the dis-ease makes me not share this or step out and really take on the energy that benefits from our malaise.

Well starting tomorrow afternoon, I am off line from the outside world for 10 days.  COMPLETELY!

Hmmm, maybe that is why I wrote this angry blog.  So I would not not have to feel the fear the coming adventure brings.

123 RV, SA, JW, PH, PH, AMA!

All quotes from Carl Jung except (1) which is out of the big book of AA.  I also want to thank the Allman Brothers for playing Mountain Jam, which is what I listened to the whole time I wrote this blog.

“Reason” is, notoriously, not necessarily ethical…”

“… any more than intelligence is.” When I was practicing I called the law “The church of reason.”  I did so because the law believes it is a reasonable person standard that is the norm for behavior.  At least in criminal law it was.  I do however believe that is was all of the law that used the “reasonable person,” standard to predict what “normal” behavior was.  The underlying premise, which was never nor is it ever articulated anywhere in a treatise that everyone follows, is that someone, or a group of people can decide what is the behavior that is going to be determined to be deemed “reasonable.”

Now I dont have a problem with a large majority of what is reasonable, but when it comes to “mental health,” issues, I dont believe that those who have not suffered the debilitation that comes from Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Order(just using my own classification as a benchmark)  can create any “reasonable person” with Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder to be able to articulate any sense of what predictive analysis let alone treatment they can come up with.

I will give an analogy that I think is applicable.  I have an “uncle” who is a professor of psychology at a very prestigious university.  He is a man with a Ph.D and he is renowned in his field.  However, he is not even aware that his suffering, which is not in his conscious reality, is clouding his ability to understand what and how people suffer from those deep seated, sometimes quite often forgotten emotional conflicts.  I tried one time to talk with him and hopefully get him to see that his  shadow was getting in the way of helping others who were as neurotic as he is/was.(He had a nervous facial tic that was so prevalent that he went to a doctor to get medication for it instead of seeing that it was a manifestation of his dis-ease. His weight was another issue he could not see as being related to his inner self.) But he would have nothing of it.  He let me know that he was highly educated and knew more than others did about psychology.  I said nothing because I could see that he needed to be “right,” instead of being helpful.  That is what reason can do for us.

“Clearly the anti-mythological trend is due to the difficulties we have in clinging on to our previous mythological tenets of belief.”  We hold onto reason because we have lost the ability to see that the mythical animals and other heros of worlds long ago have been replaced by one iconic hero whose life was an alegory is now seen as a literal historic event that truly took place in the exact same way that those who were “followers,” of his said  it did.

To the victor goes history.  But the iconic life of the one “true” mythical hero we espouse as being a literal life does not allow for the mythical creatures that our heros of mythological times slayed and befriended to be considered.  This takes away imagination and when it is gone, then the vacuum has to be filled with something and we now have the “reason,” of men from over 2000 years ago telling us what really happened there.  The taking away of the imagination has other effects.  People stop seeing life as a mystery that needs to be lived and see life as a journey that will hopefully get us into a place “better,” than this world.

The power of reason can allow us to strip the earth of the resources in it, since we no longer see the Ggods and Ggoddesses  as being from the earth.  Our only Ggod lives on a cloud high up in a place where we should aspire to go. But using reason, did not the Ggod we think created this thing called earth give it to us for us to glorify in this Ggods name?  Why are we then harming it and  concomitantly ourselves.

This whole one Ggod is poppycock!  Okay I apologize to all my friends who believe in “it.” It is a great myth though!

123 RV, SA, AMA, FB, HF, JW, JEW, PH, PA!

Quotes from Carl Jung, Letters Vol. II, Pages 482-488

I get so much from this blog.  I hope you can too.  http://carljungdepthpsychology.blogspot.com

” It is more trouble for us to speak really simply than to…”

” …speak in a rather complicated and roundabout way.” What is the reason that we use words in such a way as to leave a conversation less satisfied or educated than when we started.  I had a conversation with a friend the other day and in 2 minutes more was said about our lives in a true sense than was said in the previous two hours.  I am not saying that the previous two hours was anything less as far as shared communication about who we are and what we think, but in the end, the clarity that came from those two minutes was priceless for me.  Why?  Because they made it all very clear where we were in our relationship.  Wonder full!

“Only numinous experiences retain their original simplicity or oneness which still gives us intimations of the Unus Mundus.” I am sitting here this morning at 3:41 a.m. and I am struggling with the sense of what this is all about.  When this happens, the
Ggods give me the statement above in my email.  Numinous.  What does it mean.  I looked it up and the definitions included the words spiritual, religious, divine and the word that most describes how I am trying more and more to view their world as; mysterious.

I drove through the fire area again.  I had to go and see if the house of a new friend I had made was still there.   As I drove up the highway from Middletown(where the press focused it’s efforts on) to Cobb (where the conflagration really took off) I saw literally thousands of trees cut and laying off the side of the road.  There were so many that they had started moving down off the mountain and spreading them out in the open fields next to the highway.  I was awestruck by the amount of dead wood sitting by the side of the highway. (It was dawn so it was a little magical almost to see them lined up like pieces of lumber in a lumber yard)

So when I got up to the road where my friend lived, I turned up the hill and starting going up.  When I was by the road there was still houses and they seemed like they were alright.  This gave me hope as I started up the hill.  Then I saw the first burned out house.  Having driven through Middletown, I held out hope that the destruction would be random.  But as I drove further up the road, it became clear that there was no random saving of houses.  I drove by about 50 burned out houses and had to turn around.  I could not stomach to see what was above me on the mountain.  You could see the mountain from about 10 miles and almost all of the trees had been burned down.  Not the leaves burned and the trunks remaining.  No the fire up where my friend’s house used to be burned so hot that it burned the trees up and even burned the earth it was so hot.

So I turned around and sadly went back down the mountain.  I did not need to see the rubble of my friend’s house and I am glad I didn’t.  I paid an emotional price just trying to go and see his house.  I was telling my friend Willem3655 about the experience and realized how sad the whole thing is.  All you smell when you get into Middletown and all the way up the mountain to Cobb is the smell of death.  Burnt death.  Yes for the people who died, but we lost much more than that.  We lost a place where people called it home.  Cobb will not be the same for decades.  There are places where the fire was so hot, it literally burned everything in it’s wake.

That is so mysterious to me.  Why some houses and not others?  Why level a whole community like the fire did?  It makes no sense to me.  I can hear the argument that it is all random. But if there are truly Ggods out there, why pick my friend’s house and not the people a quarter of a mile away?  I have no answers just trying to make sense of such a mysterious travesty.  People who had lived on that mountain their whole lives lost everything.   A man in his 70’s who I befriended one day no longer lives where he lived for almost 50 years.  It makes no sense to me.

I believe what Campbell said, that Ggod is a metaphor for all that is beyond intellectual, it is that simple.  We dont get to make sense of the mysteries that unfold around us.

Carl Jung, Letters Vol. II, Page 508-509

123 JW, PA, PH, RV, SA, JW, JJE

“Recognizing the shadow is what I call the apprentice piece,…”

It is extremely difficult and definitely not supported by my culture to openly discuss and dredge up those deep seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of our conscious that created violent twists to our behavior and altered our lives for the worse.

As an example, I will just say that being asked when I was 8 and was crying about MLK being shot, “when are you going to grow up?” by my Dad created such a conflict in me and has tremendous power over me today when am not conscious.  So, right then, consciously and as well more strongly, unconsciously, I decided that I could not act out my emotions.  I had to act grown up to be considered normal and be loved by my father.*

Now being grown up at 8 is a wonderful concept, but virtually impossible emotionally as far as I am concerned.  But damn if I was not going to get my father’s approval.  So I started acting as if. When Bobby Kennedy was shot a few months later,  I was devastated. I mean crushed.*  But I knew that I could not show it when my Dad came home…and I didn’t. Isolated and without any context and any lack of depth of character and I would argue soul, the event of that day, when MLK was shot, effected my life from then on a very significant way.

“… but making out with the anima is the masterpiece which not many can bring off.” Because when MLK was shot, I was told that my acting in sadness, empathy and a sense of woundedness of that part of me that really was expressive and open with my emotions was wrong.  Men did not show emotions like that because it made us look weak.  As I sit and write this a tremendous sense of deep sadness and pain washed over me.  Me having to become this stoic rational self led me into law, which I call the “church of reason,” because emotions and empathy have no place in the law.

No wonder I almost died by being an attorney.  I was trying like hell to honor my father’s haunting emotional deprivation and live like him.  I write all of this to say that I feel more today than I ever.  Please dont think that I am talking about being happier, which I have to say I am finding more and more joy in my life..  I am talking about feeling my pain, sadness, joy, empathy and more acceptance of life being a challenging journey through the effects of the PTSD I have had to harbor in my body for my whole life.

It also mean that I get to experience many of those emotional conflicts at a “different,” and “deeper,” level.  But by doing so, I am able to live life and yes, it is amazing that the next few words are going to come out of my mouth, and love those who are in my life with a level of caring that I did not believe I had in me any longer.

Coming full circle to that eight year old boy who was crushed when MLK was shot is a gift I have always held onto as a part of me that was beautiful is a wonder full thing.  In the moment it does not feel very “good,” but I would not trade a moment for this experience, even as tears roll down my cheeks.

123 Steve, Rhonda, Renee, Tom S, Tom L, Pat, Jeff V, Jerry M, Ed P, Colonel, the Painter and especially my dear friend the Leprechaun!

*That is me in the picture to the right  I am in the front left of the photograph.  I could not have been more than 9 in the picture as that is my little sister who is eight years younger than me.  I would be smoking pot on a regular basis within 1 to 2 years!!!!!

**  Now it is not hard to see why it crushed me so.  Some man, an adult figure in my life, albeit only through the medium of television, was talking about loving and being kind and was more than anything exhibiting it. As an 8 year old boy, I saw a man who was trying to help the world be a better place, and this was the antithesis of what I was living under as far as what a male role model should be.

  In case you didn’t meet Baron, please meet Baron.  He is the guardian of this blog and of all of those who suffer. He seems so loving and kind in the picture, doesn’t he?

Quote  from Carl Jung– Letters Vol. II, Page 481

“The mind cannot establish or assert anything beyond itself.”

What is the reason that I can’t understand this simple principle. What is the reason that I can’t understand that my mind is not as big as it thinks it. Is it not insanity for me to believe that because my mind says I am not worthy, that I am not worthy.  You see one of the biggest fallacies I believe, yes I believe, is that my mind is my brain.  Wow, is that the biggest joke since…well since I believed that people were actually going to be nice and loving and kind in the world. I was disabused of this hopeful and loving way of life by my grandfather early on.  He used to love to come  to our house when I was a young boy and tease us until we cried and then laugh at us for crying.  Please, dont feel sorry for me, because that is just an image about the ghost that I have made him into.  However, when I was 8 years old and all the men of my family, my Dad and two uncles and I were riding in the Hearst to bury Grandpa and they were all crying.  I said out loud,  “why is everyone crying for Grandpa?  He was mean and not a very nice man”  Needless to say that did not go over well, because you dont say anything “disrepectful,” about the dead.  As an aside, where the hell did that myth come from, that you dont say anything disrespectful about someone who is dead?  If that is true, then why do still look at Hitler as the genocidal maniac he was.  Shouldn’t we just forgive and forget?   Can anyone answer that historically. I am afraid that I know where it came from, but dont want to make that argument unless I know it for sure.

“You are more than what you think you are.”  [1] I find that when I engage fully with other people from a depth psychological perspective that I truly am expressing Who I am and more than anything else is I am not trying to express my “self.” I was engaged in a wonderful conversation with a friend yesterday and there came a point in our conversation when I wanted to give them “the right answer.” Yet I knew that if I did I would do nothing more than subjecting them to my interpretation of their reality. I was going to make them see them my mind was able to know more than their’s did about their own problems.

“Psychology has no self-help manual for its own affliction.”[1]  I am seeing a favorite site in depth psychology turning into a commercial site.  I wont say which one, you might know Deb, and it saddens me.  You see I see depth psychology as one of the major vehicles which can assist people into a level of healing that is unattainable through the other modalities of therapy.  Why, because it allows a person to go within themselves and learn about their true Self.  Then when I see the site I believe had/has the best chance in doing that become commercialized, it saddens me.

“Let the flame of anger free you of all falsity.”  After I read what I just wrote, I have to tell the truth and say, it angers me that my favorite depth psychology site is become commercialized.  Many people, Hillman, Woodman and others have made it their life’s journey to try and help heal the world.  Now some person or other persons has made it about money. Why cant healing the world be enough.  I would trade all the money in the world if people could not have to live in fear.  For them to have “High Hopes,” as Bruuuce says.

Title quote by Carl Jung [1] James Hillman[2]John O’Donohue

“I wish somebody could be found who would…”

“…set the inner and outer data of this life in order and interpret it with the necessary psychological understanding.” When I set out to write on this site, all I wanted was relief from depression.  I had already been lead to my ideological mentor, James Hillman, and renewed my wonder full relationship with Joseph Campbell’s work.  I was learning about Jung and met wonder full people here.*

I read this Jung quote the other day and see countless examples of the lack of any sort of order and “necessary psychological understanding,” that is manifest in my world in particular and in the interactions and observations with others.  This causes me consternation when I think that the dis-ease in the world is so rampant that we are sliding down a rabbit hole that we will not be able to get out of.  Many would say that the environment is already that precarious.

“If you are all alone then it is because you isolate yourself; if you are humble enough you are never alone.” But then I read this and I realize that the basis of the almost hopelessness that is deep seated and comes from an unconscious place  is usually one of my own mind’s making. Because I decide that I know the worlds problems so well that I understand the gravity of the situation.  Yet if I continue that thought process out to the next level, I realize that  I am doing nothing more than projecting my own dis ease out onto the rest of the world.  Although many projections would be correct, my dis–ease would still make much of the analysis skewed and possibly incorrect.

But to take the quote above to a collective place, more and more I hear, from friends and others that we are more and more living these isolated lives.  I am so grateful that I have my “meetings,” and peers from there, because if left to my own devices, I would tend to go towards isolation.

To me there is a difference between isolation and introversion.  I truly think there is a part of me that is introverted, but I can and during the depths of my depression become isolated so bad, that it took my dear friend the Painter to come and get me and tell me that I had to go to the meeting with him.  I would resist, even become angry and defiant, to try and not go with him, but I would always go.

Does that mean I am not humble? I would posit that Jung may have been referring to being humble possibly mean being open to listening to other’s ideas.  Terrence Real said that the “only way out of covert depression is overt depression.?  I may have taken it too literally, but I could not help being in the catatonic state I was in for over 4 years.  No one in their right mind would choose to have their lives destroyed and there be a nothingness to their lives like I did.  My dear friend willem3655 would not choose to be where he is today.  There is too much evidence of the contrary by his material possessions and when he is not in the throes of his dis-ease, a joviality and light hearted-ness that he has.

I am left at the end of this post still wishing that there was someone who could “set the inner and outer data of this life in order and interpret it with the necessary psychological understanding.”  I guess I will keep trying to find out answers to this journey and struggle we call life.

123 RV, RW, JZ, SA, PA, JM, TS, TL, Virgil, Dwight and the rest of the “Rebellion Dogs.”

Quotes from Carl Jung

• like Ptero9, Ajaytoa, Radiating Blossom, Soul Gatherings, Therese Borchard, Beyond Meds, and Symbol Reader, just to name a few.

Though the years give way to uncertainty…

“…and the fear of living for nothing strangles your will.”(1)   These lyrics are the only thing that spoke to me recently.  I have tried 20 times to write a post and gotten bogged down in the analysis of the situations I have experienced recently and stopped.(Damn Brainiac)  Because no matter how much I learn, or experience, or think about, there is a gnawing energy that seems to linger right below my conscious that keeps me from truly experiencing life the way I desire to.*  Because as James Hillman said,  “The soul wants it’s images to be enjoyed and respected.” At many levels I struggle to project my soul’s images.  So I will just tell you about a few experiences I had recently.

I was flying the other day on a flight that was sparsely populated.  As is my way, I started talking to the stewardess.   Her name was Lisa and she lived in Burnit, Texas.(I cant forget that name) She was about 60 with beautiful flowing gray hair and a smile which said how much she wanted and needed to love!  She sat across the aisle of the airplane from me and we talked for about 15 minutes.  The pleasantries completed, somehow we got onto the topic of mental illness.    I shared my personal experience and Lisa opened up and told me that at least half of the stewardesses and pilots who worked for this large airline were in a support group for depression and anxiety and that she knew many of her peers who were taking medication for “mental health,” issues.  When I am in a situation like I was with Lisa from Burnit, Texas, I mostly try to just listen.  Because more than anything, I try to observe her in such a way to try and “hear,” her tell me with her expressions and body language about her suffering.  Lisa did.  She would always rely on her million dollar smile when it got a little scary, but she told me about her suffering in her life and where it came from.  We had a wonderful conversation and I remember I was taken aback(why I keep thinking the suffering is not across the board) slightly when our chat ended.

‘Nothing isolates us more than power and prestige.”(2)  Lisa was telling me about what she did in her prior life and how becoming a stewardess gave her the economic success she desired, yet she realized that she paid a high price for it.  She was never home, her friends drifted away(because she was never home) and her life had become something that she didn’t imagine it would become.  Lisa told me that she had just recently gotten into rescuing horses and donkeys who had been abused and that she derived the most satisfaction just from watching the animals learn that they had a safe place to be on her ranch out there in Burnit, Texas!

“You are more than what you think you are.”(3) I also met another new friend this past week.  As per usual during our first shared coffee, a lot of “stuff,” came out.  It is always amazing to me that when I meet someone new who I am “attracted to,” I open up.  What I realized when talking with this friend how much it is that I wanted to connect with her.  Not in the “oh my Ggod fix my life,” kind of way.  I found myself yearning for the shared smile  and more than anything else, the sharing of the humanness that we all seem to carry around but try really hard not to let others know about.

But what I was truly in awe of was her willingness to give up her life to care for her sister, whose bi-polar disorder debilitated her.  Now I know she didn’t give up her life in the total sense, but she said something that floored me.  She said, “what else can I do, she is my sister.”  To me she is truly the hero.  I write here and try to help the struggling alcoholic who suffers from “mental illness,” but I did not give up my life and at some level a sense of comfort to live with someone who is unstable and lives in a lot of fear.( I dont count!!)

123 RW, JZM, JulizaRose, SA, TS, JW!

(1) Jackson Browne  The Fuse  * I have got a good idea where this comes from, but this post is not about analysis (2) Carl Jung (3) James Hillman from a talk listened to that he did with Dr. Fraser Crane at Pacifica Graduate Institute

Fanatic Falls

Poor poor little girl
With bruises on her knees
Ego split in two
One part victim
One part fuck you
Humbled once again by nature
Face to face with the dirt
Broken skin
Damaged sense of self
Cursing the universe
Why doesn’t God believe in me?
Has he simply given up?
Twisted thoughts mangle my mind
Down the trail I march
Bloodied shadow in tow
Wrong.
This is all wrong.
How can it be I can’t run a trail right
At least a cracked skull would allow
The chaos
Nonsense
Bullshit
To pour out of me
Relieve me
Create space for peace and quiet
Stomping the ground
Leaving my footprint behind
Facing forward
Outrunning the demons
Used to be my solace
Music blaring
My body declaring
I will win this fight
Now
Down she goes times two
Hobbling
Crying
The ridicule deafening
Defeated
Passers by stare
At the dirty mess
That is me

Fanatic’s Fall

If you could see me right now you might assume I got drunk and ended up in a fight. Or perhaps I am a victim of domestic violence. I suppose you might consider that I’m extremely clumsy. It might not occur to you I was lost in a mixed episode of bipolar disorder and that’s how I landed in the emergency room.  I have a very purple and very puffy black eye and stitches to go with it.  I think I look hideous. I’m full of shame.  I am reminded of what “out of control” feels like each time I step in front of the mirror.
It’s been going on for a week and gaining intensity as the days passed. The roller coaster is actually off its tracks.
A disconnection from my body and mind was starting to take form and I didn’t quite know it. Only when my coworker looked me dead in the eye and asked if the fanatic could please come back did I start to see. But, it didn’t really stick. My thoughts were far to fast and frenzied for his statement to truly matter. I had things to accomplish. Work to be done. I then became the most driven worker my agency has seen in the span of two hours. I was solving problems in the hands of  executives.  Having arrived at 7:15, my boss sent me home at 5.
What was unseen that day was my tremendous trips to the bathroom hiding a rush of tears, or on the verge of a panic attack. Have you ever tried to muffle yourself during a panic attack? It’s just as distressing as what’s actually happening.  After my brief intermittent meltdown I would return to my office w a joke or thick sarcasm to prove I was okay. On my way home, I was determined my day was not done. I now had errands to run.
I made it to the parking lot. Turned off the car. Gathered my purse. An implosion occurred. I burst into sobs best saved for the shower. All the days emotions hit me and I felt so out of control. If I let go of the steering wheel I might fly about the car. I managed to pick up my phone, which I NEVER do. I was terrified. I called 3 people.
t-h-r-e-e!!! No one answered. I sank. I didn’t know what to do. My husband finally called and he talked me home. I made the decision I was nowhere fit for work the next day. I left a long rambling message for my boss.
Next morning, I woke up at 3;30am. I went to my fitness bootcamp at 5am. I came home and tried to go back to sleep and rest. I was far too antsy. Far too uncomfortable. Far too manic. I decided to go trail running. I had a plan to slow myself down and not focus on beating my usual 5 mile loop time. It started out that way, but quickly got out of control.  I have not told anyone this next part. As I was descending down a hill and gaining momentum, I started jumping off things. I ran up the side of the hill, off the trail, to jump across the trail. At some point I heard the sound played when Wonder Woman began to run or do something heroic.  I came back to the trail and took off as fast as I could, making my stride as if I was flying. I could feel the wind on my face like I was a bullet train. I was quick, nimble, powerful. All in my mind. Meanwhile my body literally could not keep up.  Down I went. Hard. Very hard. Hit my head. Turns out it was my eye lid. Blood was dripping as I lay across the trail. Confused. Not like dazed, but rather questioning how I could have been stopped.
I picked myself up. No concept of how hurt I might be. I had to walk back up the hill I just flew down.  I pulled a lady aside and showed her my head. I asked her if I should go to the ER. she said, yes definitely. I walked another 1/2 mile to my car not entirely sure what happened.
I was restless and pacing at the ER. Scared. Alone. Cried into my hands several times. Not because I was hurt physically. Just unsure how I can continue to live like this. Or if I even want to. They patched me up “good as new” and sent me home.  Instead of going home, I went to coffee w my dear friend. I cried some more.  I don’t remember much of our talk other than I let some things out. Kept some things in.
Tomorrow I go to work w a helluva shiner on my right eye. You see typically when I have bipolar symptoms I simply disappear for a few days. I return when I am ready. But the scars from those episodes are on the inside. This time, I am returning w scars on the outside. I am worried about gossip, rumors..whatever else spreads like wildfire at an office. Very few people know I’m bipolar. I almost feel like I am faced with being open or face ugliness of office culture. I’m ready for neither, but I also dont know which is worse.
I plan to wear a hat. I plan to keep my head down. I plan to keep to myself. As I write these words I am sad. Bipolar is a part of me like it or not. Just as I will always be a recovering alcoholic.  I certainly don’t have to broadcast it. I wish I didn’t carry such shame around it.

123 Rhonda, Steve, Debra, Pam, Pat H., Terry, Tom S, Dwight, Virgil, Jill Z.M., Renee

” Individuals can be improved because they present themselves for treatment…”

I am reminded of James Hillman’s idea that we need to get therapy out of the therapist’s office and out into the world.  But what I have learned because of my journey with depression is that it is still so stigmatized that there is a tendency, even in my self, to keep the issue of mental health a private one.   There is a point in the meetings I attend where the following is said.  “There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest,”  There are a couple of us who raise our hands and sort of poke fun at the fact that everyone thinks we are the only ones who know we suffer from the dis-ease that we get to label accordingly.

Yet, I see that we have a huge need to not acknowledge that we suffer collectively as well as individually.  Most would not be able to accept it  and more than anything, would not be able to work on that aspect of our selves that carries the tension of the opposites.

“….But societies only let themselves be deceived and misled, even if temporarily for their own good…”  I think I need not give any more of an example of this than to look at those who are running for President.  I see it nothing more than a Caligula like reality, and all we want to hear is the violins playing.  We are willing to allow people to flat out lie to us, to sell us a bill of goods and to promise us something that none of them can deliver.  Security.
“…For what we are dealing with is simply the passing and morally weakening effects of suggestion.” The human condition, led by the monotheistic vision of lightness and no darkness, has controlled the paradigm so long that it is accepted, not even challenged in any realistic way, the world being divided into two aspects.  The names of them are different but they are really the same.  I am seeing that there is more and more writing on race being only a convenient way to separate classes.  I have seen that my whole life.  My father first hated blacks, then Mexicans.  Why?  Because they were a threat to his status in the working poor middle class that he found himself in.

We are truly projecting our shadow more and more as we go on as a culture.  We are becoming more and more afraid that the pie is being divided and we are not getting “our” share.  When are we going to realize that we have been dividing a smaller and smaller share?

But yet I have hope.  There are politicians who are saying things that resonate with me.  There are people doing the work of trying to give people some hope.  We are not getting hope from our leaders any longer.  Politicians are not working for justice for all.  They are no more  than just glorified spokespeople for the people who support them.

Alright I am out of the therapy room and into the world!

The pictures are all from my deck at sunrise, except the first one, which was taken from Calistoga when the Jerusalem fire broke out two weeks ago.

Quotes from Carl Jung, Letters Vol. II, Pages 217-221.