About who Writes here

“Depression opens the door to beauty of some kind.”
10583817_827183823988488_7096944561490260692_n

“The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure and the sense in which he has attained liberation from the self.”[i]

alone-again-sylvain-lagardeDepression, ” stops you cold, sets you down, makes you damn miserable.[ii] “…It brings your own personal private hell to life.”

Depression looks like that picture to the right,…on a good day.

Diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder almost five years ago, I, and I am shoe1000 and am just one of the people who post on this blog, I thought that I had received THE answer. I thought I could get the information I needed and put it to use to alleviate the free floating anxiety, the deep seated fear, or the lack of ability to function in the world that had dominated my recent life up to that point. I thought I could go to my doctor and get and take one of “mothers little helpers,”[iv]and life would be better. Little did I know I had just been given the hardest task I had ever been given in my life, because as Terrence Real wrote in his book “I Dont Want to Talk About It,” “[t]he only real cure for covert depression is overt depression.”

IMG_0699-1 (2)My journey with overt depression, all the while staying clean and sober, isn’t some static endeavor which proceeds in a linear fashion from one point to another, like college and law school. I have shied away from the meds, because they did not work for me. I have no opinion on whether anyone else should take meds. Many of my closest friends get a lot of relief from them and I support them 100%.

Sunset“YOU HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED YOUR WHOLE LIFE, YOU JUST PICKED UP THE WRONG MEDICINE.”

I am ill because of wounds deep to the soul, to the deep emotional self, and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help[**]

hillmanI suffered from very deep, mostly quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts that persisted below the level of my consciousness. These conflicts gave my emotions violent twists which discolored my personality and altered my life for the worse.[v] Ggod that sounds so damn depressing!

Fritz Perls said, “The only way out is through.” Working through depression was and is a process that can be fraught with uncertainty, anxiety, unpredictability, fear and can challenge my belief system about who I am and why I’m here. I have walked away from my career, lost my family and most of my fortune because I chose not to run from the depression any longer.

Mt._St._Helena_lgI am more alive now in many ways than I have ever been. I have more of an ability to be intimate with others in my life. I am more vulnerable with the women in my life than I have ever been. It is so freeing to finally not have to do the “I don’t want to talk about it,”routine that I knew so well.

IMG_0698 (2)I have found a multitude of ways to work through what I believe to be the underlying cause of “IT” and will reveal them if you ask me. Friends, new ones as well as old ones, are helping me heal and some of them don’t even know it. I am blessed to have finally understood and been given the key that I have looked for my whole life. The key to “being” me, the real me!

10470952_10203502537177712_1704797797383907620_oI sought my soul and could not see,
I sought my Ggod and Ggod eluded me,
I sought my brother and found all three.[vi]

There are people out there like me, who struggle with the fact that despite their sobriety and successes in the world, they “ran into the wall,” as they say. I want to help them walk through this. I don’t believe that it’s some thing we have to, “live with,” numbly the rest of our lives.

Let me say in conclusion that I would not wish depression upon my worst enemy.  It is a living hell. It is so painful at times that dying seems a better alternative.  I have been blessed in that I am not suicidal like many of my best and truest friends in the world. There are so many who suffer with “mental health,” issues in silence and just want the pain to stop.

But working through the deep seated emotional conflicts that I believe to be the cause of my depression has given me a new chance and world view which I would never have attained had I continued down the path of life I was on five years ago.

finger touching nose of baby wolf yosemite

It is better to seek forgiveness than to seek permission

[*]James Hillman[**] D.H. Lawrence. The Healing [i]Albert Einstein [ii]James Hillman [iii]Joseph Campbell who coincidentally died on the day I got sober, October 30, 1987[iv] Rolling Stones 19th Nervous Breakdown.[v] I suffer from emotional and physical abuse. How they were perpetrated on me, whether through violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or any other form is not relevant to this forum [vi]author unknown

***I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON WHO POSTS HERE.  THIS IS FOR PEOPLE IN SOBRIETY WHO ARE SUFFERING FROM “MENTAL HEALTH,” DIS-EASES. I only write under the name shoe1000.  There are a number of other people who write and post on her also.  I invite your comments about everything you read in this section or after every blog entry. I don’t want to put out “stuff” that is not important or timely. There is going to be some “dark” writings in here. I would like to put your materials on this blog, whether “dark” or “light.” Send me a message at shoe1000@yahoo.com and title it “POST” It is not for me. It is for us. I am going to try and put something up at least once a day. The only requirement to post here is the desire to feel better about your life……………. This dis-ease is the most stigmatized one I know, even more so than “alcoholism.” If you can, please lets others know about this blog who you think would benefit from it. *****

We reserve the right to not put any comment on the site if we find it to be offensive.  If you have a blog and you want us to read it, dont link your blog without permission, or preach to us.  We have our own Ggod as we understand Ggod.  While we respect your right to your Ggod, we have no duty to allow you to use this blog as a forum.  If you want a forum, please create your own blog.

© shoe1000, and “I Dont Want To Talk About It” blog 2013. Shoe1000 is a fictitious name of the author. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to shoe1000 and “I Dont Want To Talk About It,” with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

blogformentalhealth20131mhwgmember2013

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78 thoughts on “About who Writes here

  1. My earliest memory was wanting to die. I found life bleak and my vision tunneled and dark and thought everyone felt this way. Therapy, anti depressants, drinking, drugs, obsessive behavior with all pleasures did not erase my darkness…simply kept it at bay. Always there, always waiting and I always running, always fearful of being caught in its throes. That dark “thing” that was trying to kill me. Within sobriety’s light, my dark depression was revealed as something not on the outside of me but, intrinsically, a part of me. I welcomed her with open arms. I listened to her pain and sorrow. I accepted her sadness and dark view of life. As in the Billie Holiday famous lyric “hello heartache, sit down” I knew who she was and she was me. And because I allowed her voice to be heard,I realized she wasn’t ALL of me. She was one part of me…one piece of me. My sleep is more restful, my authentic self has all of its parts.; My athletic Amazon, my brilliant Einstein, my slaphappy silly Tessala, my dark witch of anger and depression, and my happy little girl wearing Buster Browns. All living in the same shoes ready to be called on when needed! I am at peace with me.

    • Hi Tess and Shoe,
      Do you have a personal blog about your experiences with depression and sobriety? I have Bipolar disorder, PTSD, alcoholism. I’ve been continuously sober 33 years, since 1980. I had been suicidally depressed until 1997 when God removed it from me for good. I also suffered terrible constant anxiety which God removed from me in 2010. There are many other adventures in sobriety that happened to me which I don’t want to go into here.

      • Robin
        This blog has many of my experiences with depression and sobriety. Tess does not write on here. She just commented one time when the blog originally started.
        There are a couple of other regular posters here who write under the names of Nomadlander and the Fanatic. We keep our anonymity to not violate the 11th tradition of AA.
        I would invite you to wander through and please, add your experience, strength and hope. We invite that.
        This is not a personal blog, but currently there are just a couple of us who write regularly.
        I love your Yosemite picture by the way. I love Perpetua also.
        Jim

  2. What a strong person you are and a good writer. Thank you for your kind word on my blog and for following me. I’m looking forward to following you to, I loved your blog 🙂

  3. Pingback: Gaining Strength From Those Who Have Been There | Little Blog of Letting Go

  4. Some of the losses you’ve experienced, which you blame on the depression, would initiate additional onion skin layers of despair and depression on anyone, With all the new immediate troubles accruing, how’s anyone supposed to get through to the core? That’s one of the aspects of addiction; it masks basic brokenness with imperative demands that cannot be ignored. Addiction is the ultimate living in the moment, the present instant. But when past that the physical addiction, when all is one, then watch out!! All that past and hidden pain is right there intruding and coloring everything, mucking up everything, and the repercussions extend on eternally into the future. And there is no escape and you can’t go back and change anything, not even what you absolutely crave to be different, especially what we are responsible for ourselves. In some cases, but not near enough, damage can be mitigated. A primal, organic hopeless anguish is a reasonable response to primal hopeless anguished depression. Like Brer’ Rabbit with the Tar Baby, we’re stuck, and the only way to avoid the cook pot is to be flung into the briar patch.—-Bear

  5. As someone who has suffered from depression in the past and is currently suffering from “situational depression”, I am very glad to have found your blog. It can be tough getting through but knowing that you aren’t alone helps. I hope that your strength continues and that you one day find yourself far beyond your struggles.

  6. just thought i’d visit a bit to thank you for liking my poem reblogged on Sky’s blog, encouragement is always really appreciated. i have to be honest and say this was a tough read, not because it wasn’t written well because it was but it resonated a little close to home, rattled a few closet skeletons.

    my own story is different, as well as the issue i deal with daily but i have managed to carve out a fulfilling life despite my many smudges….i’ve been accepted finally by someone, i write about it often and at least for this heart and mind that not so simple act of acceptance has altered the trajectory of my entire life. you are very courageous and deserve much credit for offering so much of your truth and allowing others to do the same.

    thank you for this.

    • you know the funniest part about all of this. I am the guy who comes into the room and messes with everyone in there, in particular at my Saturday morning Mens meeting.
      Thanks
      Anyone who loves Belinda is a friend of mine.

      • So you are not the weird lad in the corner like me? lol…
        Figure of speech. 🙂
        From Scotland with a Hi…

        And Welcome to the madness…
        Cheers

      • LOL…Closest the door..

        And welcome to the madness of my Word Press.
        I live in Agony, but I do fun. So, if you got a good sense of humour, we good to be WP Buddies… 🙂

        Cheers

  7. I’m so sorry for your struggle. I have experienced my fair share of the depression demon an he almost took my life 7 years ago. You are in my prayers as you fight to stay present and honest in your journey. I’m inspired by your resolve to be real…I believe it’s the only reasonable way to heal. Safety and healing to you…

  8. Writing initially began as my “portal through the pain.” I can relate to “wounds to the soul.” Having gone through my own bouts of depression throughout my life, I am sincere when I say there is literally a light at the end of the tunnel. Never, ever give up-keep looking for it.

  9. Oh. OK. Sorry. I didn’t see it.
    robin
    ps – “Claire” is my middle name but, your right, I should protect my anonimity a little more than I do. I’m thinking I might do something about that.
    robin

  10. Shoe… I just want you to know, I truly think you are amazing!! Your thoughts and perspective always make me take a step back and think… “Outside the box” … Outside of myself and my own walls… Thank you for sharing all that you do… For being Authentic… Real…Present…just amazingly You !!!

  11. I am a little surprised I haven’t stumbled in earlier. I have been doing program my whole life aa/na/coda.., and have also written thru depression, right here on wordpress. Best to you.
    Jim Aldrich

  12. Hello,
    Thankd for visiting my blog so thta I culd find you. Great blog. I am sure that I will benigit a lot from reading it to tackle my depression. I am trying to understand the deep routed wounds in my soul. Making blog posts has helped me to have more and more clairity on my problem. Looking forward for the posts.Thanks once again
    Hug,
    Niranjan

    • Niranjan
      Thank you for the kind words. I have made a new friend and that brings me joy.
      I look forward to your words every time I see them on my computer.
      I am grateful that you took the chance to write what you have written.
      And, anyone who is Lori Lara’s friend is a friend of mine!
      Jim

      • Hi Jim,
        Thanks for being my friend. It brings me immense happiness to have a friend in you as well. I am looking forward for your posts as well. Thanks for your warm response.
        Hug,
        Nirnajn

  13. Hi Jim, I wanted to message you but can’t find your e-mail address and everytime I click a link it just unfollows you 😦
    Just wanted to make sure you were ok as I haven’t seen you about much

    • Hello darky
      Email is shoe1000@yahoo.com. Just moved on the 1st of August so in transition. Thats for caring and thanks for expressing what needs to be expressed.
      I am a big admirer of your work and have been since the first day I saw those handcuffs!
      😉
      Jim

  14. Pingback: I Don’t Want To Talk About It | Women Who Think Too Much by Jeanne Marie

  15. Truth be told, I am quite moved reading this

    Moved because I have been in the dark regions myself, and you put words to what have experienced.
    Moved because I hear a very honest and transparent tone behind your words.

    After decades of gruesome depressions, I am now free from it. Imagine that… I have managed to heal myself taking no medicine. What is blatantly significant is that the true healing from depression entails deep
    spiritual transformation, with other words – this may sound far-fetched – if you want to heal thoroughly, you almost have to eventually get “enlightened”

    I have a lot of things to tell…

    Regards,

    Julien

    PS I have found your blog seeing your comment in one of Ptero´s posts.

  16. Hi Shoe1000,
    I think that your blog deserves special recognition so I’ve nominated you for the Most Influential Blogger award. Here’s the link: http://www.howisbradley.com/ If you don’t accept award nominations, that’s okay, I’m still haply to give you the recognition you deserve.
    Bradley

  17. Merry Christmas, Jim, and to all who made contribution to your blog. I still say, depression and alcoholic ism is a brain disease and in the genes. Blessings to all! Perpetua aka seeker.

  18. Thank you so much for the follow. I love this blog and will follow it. I love the post on depression. As someone with Bipolar Disorder, Asperger’s, OCD, a background of heavy drinking and some form of PTSD, I am no stranger to depression. I was so depressed that I didn’t even realize it was depression, just thought I was a low-life and that is the way low-lifes felt. It has been a long journey and I still feel like a low-life much of the time. But I know a lot more and have tools to work with and a few, very few, good people in my life, mainly my husband. Anyhow, good to meet you and I appreciate your honesty.

  19. I just ‘followed’ you from the Lantern Post and found your blog. Writing about depression, or any type of psychological suffering for that matter, is first and foremost an act of personal courage. Because loads of personal courage is needed first to face it first, and then to put it into language for the sake of self and also those who might benefit from it.

  20. Thank you for visiting my “home.” It is a sincere pleasure to walk with you on this journey of acceptance and unconditional love. May this day and the days ahead fill your heart with the warmth of the sun. Much peace and light to you ~ Linda

  21. Hello friend, thanks for follow my blog. I read ; ”and strong bio about.” For myself, I look at this life as a regular wave of the sea, sometimes quiet and also get big waves that we need self-control to survive.
    Life in this world full of surprises,and I admire it with joy and hard work. Nice to meet you, forward I see your blog activities. Warm regards, @Della

  22. Powerful stories here. I believe you (collectively) will help many people in wrestling with their own pains, depressions and journey. I can relate to some of the challenges with suffering and know the value of being open and vulnerable. Thanks for sharing so openly that others may benefit and we may all be joined and healed.
    blessings, Brad

  23. Depression impacts so many who might not even know that is what is happening. I think shedding light on it to track the process and help enlighten people going through similar experiences and educate others is a huge act of service.

  24. it probably comes as little surprise that i find your writing to be inspiring. i find you to be very open about your true self and helps me to do the same. for that reason, i nominate you for the creative blogger award. For more information, check out my i’d like to thank the academy-reprise post.

    • Thanks for the wonder full honor and nice words. We make it a rule, since we are writing as members of AA, not to reveal personal facts unless in the context of a post, so we have made a decision not to accept awards. However, it is a great honor to have been nominated and we thank you for that.

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