Trauma and the Hummingbird

I was watching a “red throated” hummingbird this morning. The same hummingbird who I had, for about a month, shooed away from a hummingbird feeder I have outside my window, because I thought it was keeping a “green backed” hummingbird from feeding.

The green backed hummingbird, when it feeds, lights on the metal ring that encircles the feeder so that a hummningbird can light when it comes to feed. What I noticed this morning was that the red throated hummingbird does not light when it feeds.

I write this becuase I am more like the red throated hummingbird. Whenever I am doing what I do, what I need to do, I cant stop going on the inside.

I was talking with the Fanatic yesterday, yes that Fanatic, and we were discussing what I believe is one of the major causes of my depression. I believe that my body has produced way more cortisol and adrenaline, and not processed it out of my system, than my body can handle. As I have aged, I suffer with inflammation more and more.

I think the imbalance caused by the adrenaline/cortisol overload causes my physiology to be imbalanced. That in and of itself seems like it would be a problem with an easy fix. But my mind, like the red throated hummingbird, continues to have to be hyper vigilant even when there is no need to be.

Another friend was telling me that her husband had recieved a bunch of films made when he was a child. She was telling me that after the husband had watched some of the videos his reaction was one of anger and not what might be the normal response of nostalgic rememberence.

To me the red throated hummingbird, my friends husband and I are responding to the same thing. A fear that has been instilled in us by the traumas we have in our bodies/minds that are unresolved. Gabor Mate said the base root of almost all addiction is trauma, I agree 100%. The hummingbird is reliving the trauma I created by threatening him by shooing him away. My friends husband is reliving the trauma of his childhood and I am also by the power of the depression in my life.

I offer no empirical evidence of the above, just a knowledge learned by observing and seeking to understand my own suffering.

I pray we reduce the trauma in this world. It is killing us.

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FRAGILE

cropped-heart3
We are fragile. You and me.
Though we act strong,
our lives are
held together with
thoughts of where
we might be tomorrow.
And of disappointed
yesterdays.At any moment we might shatter.
We might fall to our knees
weighed down by the terror
of being so far from
our own control.

Dare we look up, we’d not know
where to go or what to do.

We are fragile. You and me.

If we were to turn to each other,
we might see the whole world
on their knees.
Hurting, and seemingly
alone.

But none of us are.

We are fragile together.

                                                                                                                                                                    (Authored by one of my favorite seekers  Nic Askew
You can see his work at his website “Soul Biographies.” http://nicaskew.com/)

“Rise, This is US”

11665402_10152853758167167_7660227498252654124_nWe live in a culture of confusion. This reality is not accidental. It was created by the means of control of communication as a way to keep us in a place where we live to seek relief from the effects of that ambivalence and mistrust of our own perceptions.
When will it stop? I live in that same world, which is really one of the effects of emotional and psychological trauma and “suffer,” from consequences of the conflict we all live in and under!

tumblr_luxczfdocB1qzxyqfo1_400I am writing because I am angry. My environment is one of garbage. I have never lived this way but I am now living with more “stuff,” around me that before I would immediately get rid of at the time of my use of it.
We live in a world of constantly looking and seeking satiation from the “dis-ease,” we seem to be living in. It is insane that we keep looking to the individual for the solution as well as the source of the problem.
I had a dear friend say that she was “broken,” yesterday. Her situation is not important for the point of this piece, but the problem she was facing was a problem so many of us suffer from.
You see addiction is nothing more than attempting to get release from the emotional and psychological effects of the trauma we live “IN.”
I feel like I have touched a part of me that has been dormant. How long it has been that way is not something I can answer at this time. I just pray I can keep connected to it and get direction and energy from it.

123 RV, SA, RW, PH, TL, JDK!

(The title is not accidental.)

“So how come history takes such a long, long time,…”

k3646710“…When you’re waiting for a miracle!”(1)

Talking with a friend the other day and we were reflecting on the fact that we are both middle aged and yet we feel like we did when we were young.  As I am sitting here I am wondering if it is due to the fact that we have some of those emotional conflicts that still persist below the level of consciousness that seem to carry more weight in our lives than we would hope!

337129_10151480788466040_1950483812_oThere is so much angst in the world.  I was at my meeting yesterday and was talking with my friend Spence.  I have known Spence since, well since I was in my 20s.  We both worked in the trades at that time and we did a long job together and we got to know each other.  Apparently Spence knew my Dad, as he and my Dad were about the same age.

p181600_2a_400We were talking and he brought up the fact that it seemed to him like everyone in the room was suffering.  I know that this view is narrow based on what this blog is about but Spence said that a few of our long time friends were looking sad and old.(Funny since Spence is at least 75!)

But I also learned this week that a dear dear friend of mine is getting divorced.  Yes I know that is life but when you are older it is not as easy to work around these issues as it is say when you are in your 30s.

So coming full circle, depression and anxiety rob us of our ability to be present in our lives.  Not all the time but enough that we cant see the forest for the trees.  We cant be present to work through issues that would give us resolution to problems that would allow us to to have and keep relationships.

What is the cause of this?  I dont know.

healthInSickSociety.krishnamurti-300x225But I guess it comes down to doing the best we can.  Trying to live up to the ideals we create or are born into projected onto us by our family and culture.  I dont know about you but I am not a big believer in what our culture puts forward as being in and living a good life.

When I talk to my friend every day, I pray at some level that he gets the miracle that so many of us have as the only thing we hold onto.  If you dont understand this, I commend you.  Because it might mean that you dont have the underlying emotional conditioning that many of us who grew up in those families where you didnt talk about IT did!

10671220_10154590625980694_4020566138315393272_nPlease say a prayer for those who suffered the tragedy that happened in Yountville last Friday.  It affected a dear close friend of mine who was involved in the Pathways program from the beginning.

123 RV, SA, RW, PH, PA!

(1) “Waiting for a Miracle.” Bruce Cockburn
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“Let the flame of anger free you of all falsity.”(1)

mysterious-glowing-light-in-a-fnland-forest-mikko-lagerstedtAs I normally do, I ask the Ggods to show me what I need to see when I sit down to write.  I found this quote perusing a collection of quotes from some of my favorite people. What it brought up for me is that I have never been able to truly touch that flame.  I learned early on in life, before I could even articulate my thoughts and feelings that I was not allowed to express anger.

hillmanWhat happened to me was that I have struggled with defending or protecting myself when confronted with another’s anger or any situation that I felt overwhelmed by.  I could go into the history but that is just a bunch of blah, blah, blah

“Soul enters only via symptoms, via outcast phenomena like the imagination of artists or alchemy or “primitives,” or of course, disguised as psychopathology.”

This is what happened for me when I had to stuff my feelings of anger as a boy.  I kept it all in and it caught up to me in the form of depression at the age of 50.   Yes, I know that I suffered all of my life from the effects of those deep seated emotional conflicts, but I was able to keep slightly ahead of those effects until 2007.

20150821_063716 (2)Hillman says my soul is present in my life today.  Damn, talking to my buddy Steve this morning, it sure feels like I am wandering away without any soul.  Like I am a hologram or a scarecrow.  I would love to be able to live from my soul, to truly love a woman like I sense I have the capacity to.

2009 Mt Shasta to Oak street 098But there is always this gnawing self doubt.  It is a quiet voice, so quiet I cannot hear it any more, but it is always there.  I see a mistake I made and not something I did well.  I expect well and have no empathy for my own self today.  Again talking to Steve I reiterated that I wanted to try and love myself a little more today.  Now at 9:45 at night,  I am glad to report that I did treat myself a little better today than I would have had I let my shame win.

I am aware that I write in metaphoric language and dont let articulate my demons and  thoughts as openly as some of the others who write here, but just writing around something is sometimes the best I can do.

I also like to write in less than 500 words as I have little patience to read long drawn out posts, so I try to remember that I may not be the only one who thinks like that.

123 RV, SA, PA, RW, MB, SK, JM, WC, PH!

(1) John O’Donohoe                                                                                                                                (2) James Hillman

Stormy Monday

“In the confrontation with the unconscious there are indeed a considerable number of arid patches to be worked through.’

11707660_974787155951568_4667623480132897462_nAs I work or walk through this process or stage of life I am feeling like this arid patch continues to be what is my present day life.  “In the confrontation with the unconscious there are indeed a considerable number of arid patches to be worked through.’ As I work or walk through this process or stage of life I am feeling like this arid patch continues to be what is my present day life.   Always I am lead back to Jung. Hillman leads me back there.  Campbell leads me there.  It is always trying to make sense of “why” I do what I do.  How my unconscious “reality” can and has dominated my outward life for as long as it has.   So as I sit here I am as confused as I have ever been about the power of the unconscious.

11144416_974787355951548_7417282000083361679_nWhat I hold onto is a statement I have sort of memorized.   “Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of our consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may have given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse.”What else could explain my going from a small town boy to living in one of the nicest places on earth living as comfortable as a member of the 1% could live,  to sitting in a tiny house on an acre of land in the middle of nowhere.  But this is the reality.  Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress are what I live in and live with.  It just depends on the time of life I am in.  I have sought answers and help for the situation I am living with and have found them.  However they are and have been short lived and most of the time I feel like I have learned nothing and am back at square one.

As they say, more will be revealed.  Hey Ggods, I am waiting!!

Quote from Carl Jung

123 RV, SA, PH, PA, JDK, DA, JW, JEW

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