As I normally do, I ask the Ggods to show me what I need to see when I sit down to write. I found this quote perusing a collection of quotes from some of my favorite people. What it brought up for me is that I have never been able to truly touch that flame. I learned early on in life, before I could even articulate my thoughts and feelings that I was not allowed to express anger.
What happened to me was that I have struggled with defending or protecting myself when confronted with another’s anger or any situation that I felt overwhelmed by. I could go into the history but that is just a bunch of blah, blah, blah
“Soul enters only via symptoms, via outcast phenomena like the imagination of artists or alchemy or “primitives,” or of course, disguised as psychopathology.”
This is what happened for me when I had to stuff my feelings of anger as a boy. I kept it all in and it caught up to me in the form of depression at the age of 50. Yes, I know that I suffered all of my life from the effects of those deep seated emotional conflicts, but I was able to keep slightly ahead of those effects until 2007.
Hillman says my soul is present in my life today. Damn, talking to my buddy Steve this morning, it sure feels like I am wandering away without any soul. Like I am a hologram or a scarecrow. I would love to be able to live from my soul, to truly love a woman like I sense I have the capacity to.
But there is always this gnawing self doubt. It is a quiet voice, so quiet I cannot hear it any more, but it is always there. I see a mistake I made and not something I did well. I expect well and have no empathy for my own self today. Again talking to Steve I reiterated that I wanted to try and love myself a little more today. Now at 9:45 at night, I am glad to report that I did treat myself a little better today than I would have had I let my shame win.
I am aware that I write in metaphoric language and dont let articulate my demons and thoughts as openly as some of the others who write here, but just writing around something is sometimes the best I can do.
I also like to write in less than 500 words as I have little patience to read long drawn out posts, so I try to remember that I may not be the only one who thinks like that.
123 RV, SA, PA, RW, MB, SK, JM, WC, PH!
(1) John O’Donohoe (2) James Hillman