“Luck is surviving what you dont want.”*

stunning-smeared-sky-time-lapse-photography-matt-molloyThis is the best way I can look at the experiences of the last few years.  I did not want to be “diagnosed,” (which is really a metaphor for “educated guess,”) with depression. But I was and here I am and it is real today.

I was at one of my favorite events the other day, the Thanksgiving alcothon, and was in a meeting with one of my favorite people.  He is one of my favorites because he openly discusses this whole concept of a Ggod and doesnt mind leaving the idea out there as a point of discussion rather than a struggle or a question that needs an answer

“Spirit, like God, denotes an object of psychic experience which cannot be proved to exist in the external world and cannot be understood rationally.” What I dont understand is why we think we “know,” what this Ggod thing is!

10347232_10201917599660507_5224584867827727870_n“God is a metaphor for that which transcends all levels of intellectual thought. It’s as simple as that.”(1)  When I truly realize that I dont have a clue about anything as far as the why we are here question, since I cannot understand it, then life has that child like quality of being a fun, interesting mystery.  I know I do better when the quality of mystery is present.  Not fear of, but interest in, whatever it is that is in front of me.  “This is its meaning if we use the word “spirit” in its best sense.”

“Once we have freed ourselves from the prejudice that we have to refer to concepts of external experience or to a priori categories of reason, we can turn our attention and curiosity wholly to that strange and unknown thing we call spirit.”  I pray for our sake that we, the collective we, get to the point that we realize that we have lost that spirit of life and have made the external expression of our fear, called “knowing,” what any Ggod is is not based on anything but our unconscious being projected onto others.
123 RV, SA, PA, PH, RW


*I heard this the other day on “Red Band Society.”  All other quotes from Carl Jung except (1) Joseph Campbell.

“I’m riding hard carrying a cache of roses…”

mysterious-glowing-light-in-a-fnland-forest-mikko-lagerstedt“…A fresh map that I made
Now I’m going to get birth naked and bury my old soul
And dance on it’s grave”(1)

The wildfires that we in Northern California have gone through this summer were amazing.  A couple of weeks after I last posted here, the Mendocino Complex fire entered into my life.  If you dont know about it, it burned over 450,000 acres in the surrounding area where I live.  The fire got to about 6 miles from my house.  The problem with a fire in Northern California is that we stopped practicing proper forest management decades ago. That leaves our forests around where I live in an area overgrown with a bunch of small trees, 4-8 inches in diameter that die off because they are overgrown  and ending up being a bunch of matches if a fire goes through.

20150929_100641 (2)Well the smoke here was like fog for about 6 weeks. We stayed inside and breathed through masks but I am not convinced that mitigated the damage the smoke did.

The Camp Fire, which burned the entire down of Paradise and affected life around here for another two weeks about a month ago, destroyed a community  of 26, 000 and traumatized all the areas surrounding the town. I have friends who lost their homes up there.

20150912_175142What does this all mean?  I dont know I just needed to write today and say hello to those people who are in my life who keep saying hello to me even if I go into my coping mechanism place of isolation.

Was thinking about my friend Jerry today.  It was about 3 years ago when he decided to leave this place.   Was talking with a friend of ours about him the other day.  It always come back to the same thing.

“In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has. Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may actually have given  our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse.”(2)
Hope all who read this are doing well and I apologize for not being consistent in my writing.  Thanks Ptero9 for being there.

123 Rhonda, Steve, Renee, Pat, Pam, Colleen, Jeff, Ed, Michelle and the rest of my friends.

(1) “Long Time Coming,”  Bruce Springsteen
(2) Page 79-80 A. A. 12 by 12
That picture of the  burned out car and the burnt trees was taken after they let us back up our residences after the Valley Fire over 3 years ago
I took that blurry picture of the fire above as I was escaping the Valley Fire near Middletown, CA over 3 years ago. That wall of fire was over 100 feet tall and only looks so small because I was about 3/4 a mile to a mile from it.




Where have you gone Joe Dimaggio?

jess-and-oatieI am listening to a speech by Chris Hedges and I am wondering what it is in our culture that causes us to disempower ourselves in the face of the dis-ease we can all see is present in our society?

I can only look at it through my eyes  My world has transformed from one of the fruits of the culture being at my feet to one where I look at the hummingbird every morning and ask what got me where I am today.

imagesI saw a film some time ago that showed  what a gazelle went through who was fortunate enough to escape the cheetahs pursuit.  The gazelle’s body would involuntarily twitch for hours on end.  But at the end of this process, it would just get up and walk away.  The film stated that was how the gazelle would be able to continue a peaceful life of eating grass until the next time the pursuit from the cheetah took place.

11144416_974787355951548_7417282000083361679_nAs I wrote yesterday, I see the trauma carried by the hummingbird, my friend’s spouse and myself as being connected.  One might argue that I cant prove how there is a connection between all three but I argue that we need to look at the way the world is as being connected and that the effects of the cultural trauma is so prevalent that we cant even see that it is there.

finger touching nose of babyI saw today where a singer from Destiny’s Child is seeking help for Depression.  I am glad she is but is she an exception or the rule?  Why would a successful, wealthy, need to address depression?

Maybe it is because we are all dealing with the effects of this cultural trauma. It is possible that the level of our ability to process the effects of our trauma is different for each of us but that does not negate the fact that the effects  of the trauma are carried  by everyone in this culture.

2009 Mt Shasta to Oak street 018I have experience in seeking relief from this trauma in drugs and alcohol. I am seeing how I, as well as many,  many others, seek or sought relief in those things that the masses  seek it through.  Television, music, the internet, the cell phone. are and have all been ways for me to seek relief from the inner conflict that I carry and which I have carried for my lifetime.  I guess what I am struggling with here is why did I at this age, get to deal with the trauma that I  worked my whole life to suppress and make go away.  But the unconscious struggle never went away and no matter how much “work” I did, through whatever kind of “therapy,” I sought out, I am left with this trauma and I damn sure know I am not alone.

What I am asking myself, and seeking your input as well, is what is going to happen to the culture that carries this trauma  and what will happen because of it if and when it cant work through it?

Happy Birthday RW.

123 SA, RV, TN, PH, EP




Trauma and the Hummingbird

Hummingbird on feederI was watching a “red throated” hummingbird this morning. The same hummingbird who I had, for about a month, shooed away from a hummingbird feeder I have outside my window, because I thought it was keeping a “green backed” hummingbird from feeding.

The green backed hummingbird, pictured above,  lights on the metal ring that encircles the feeder so that a hummningbird can light when it comes to feed. What I noticed this morning was that the red throated hummingbird does not light when it feeds.

I write this becuase I am more like the red throated hummingbird. Whenever I am doing what I do, what I need to do, I cant stop going on the inside.

I was talking with the Fanatic yesterday, yes that Fanatic, and we were discussing what I believe is one of the major causes of my depression. I believe that my body has produced way more cortisol and adrenaline, and not processed it out of my system, than my body can handle. As I have aged, I suffer with inflammation more and more.

I think the imbalance caused by the adrenaline/cortisol overload causes my physiology to be imbalanced. That in and of itself seems like it would be a problem with an easy fix. But my mind, like the red throated hummingbird, continues to have to be hyper vigilant even when there is no need to be.

Another friend was telling me that her husband had recieved a bunch of films made when he was a child. She was telling me that after the husband had watched some of the videos his reaction was one of anger and not what might be the normal response of nostalgic rememberence.

To me the red throated hummingbird, my friends husband and I are responding to the same thing. A fear that has been instilled in us by the traumas we have in our bodies/minds that are unresolved. Gabor Mate said the base root of almost all addiction is trauma, I agree 100%. The hummingbird is reliving the trauma I created by threatening him by shooing him away. My friends husband is reliving the trauma of his childhood and I am also by the power of the depression in my life.

I offer no empirical evidence of the above, just a knowledge learned by observing and seeking to understand my own suffering.

I pray we reduce the trauma in this world. It is killing us.


We are fragile. You and me.
Though we act strong,
our lives are
held together with
thoughts of where
we might be tomorrow.
And of disappointed
yesterdays.At any moment we might shatter.
We might fall to our knees
weighed down by the terror
of being so far from
our own control.

Dare we look up, we’d not know
where to go or what to do.

We are fragile. You and me.

If we were to turn to each other,
we might see the whole world
on their knees.
Hurting, and seemingly

But none of us are.

We are fragile together.

                                                                                                                                                                    (Authored by one of my favorite seekers  Nic Askew
You can see his work at his website “Soul Biographies.” http://nicaskew.com/)

“Rise, This is US”

11665402_10152853758167167_7660227498252654124_nWe live in a culture of confusion. This reality is not accidental. It was created by the means of control of communication as a way to keep us in a place where we live to seek relief from the effects of that ambivalence and mistrust of our own perceptions.
When will it stop? I live in that same world, which is really one of the effects of emotional and psychological trauma and “suffer,” from consequences of the conflict we all live in and under!

tumblr_luxczfdocB1qzxyqfo1_400I am writing because I am angry. My environment is one of garbage. I have never lived this way but I am now living with more “stuff,” around me that before I would immediately get rid of at the time of my use of it.
We live in a world of constantly looking and seeking satiation from the “dis-ease,” we seem to be living in. It is insane that we keep looking to the individual for the solution as well as the source of the problem.
I had a dear friend say that she was “broken,” yesterday. Her situation is not important for the point of this piece, but the problem she was facing was a problem so many of us suffer from.
You see addiction is nothing more than attempting to get release from the emotional and psychological effects of the trauma we live “IN.”
I feel like I have touched a part of me that has been dormant. How long it has been that way is not something I can answer at this time. I just pray I can keep connected to it and get direction and energy from it.

123 RV, SA, RW, PH, TL, JDK!

(The title is not accidental.)