Okay this is going to be a rant.
I am so sick and tired of not knowing who I am and what the hell I am doing here on this thing called earth. If the Ggods have a clue I wish they would include me in their insights. I have just taken a day of reflection(not working) and this journey through depression SUCKS!
My friends have to live with pain, psychotic breaks, shame and fear! I live with all of them except maybe psychotic breaks. Why? So I can live this life of what feels like aimless wandering from day to day, reaching and grasping for something that gives my life meaning and purpose. What the hell is that all about? What is so crucial for me to know about myself that I have gone into this five years of what seems to me to be, again, aimless wandering, searching for an answer to questions that I don’t even know.
“The best… work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others.” I dont know if I am better at this than I was before the depression took over. You see I live, when I am not conscious of those and what is around me, in my mind. Not in my brain, which knows life is wonder full and awe full and the place where I dont have to live in fear. I live in a house of mirrors, that at the slightest provocation, can render me helpless and hopeless.
” I am concerned with the woes of the world and their causes, and I at least try to do something about them.” I feel that I can help those who suffer from what are called “mental illness,” problems in life. But I dont feel like I am doing enough to help my fellow sufferers. I know that there are way more who suffer from this dis-ease than are in the mainstream consciousness. I was told a while ago, by a man who is a student of AA history, that 6 out of the 20 people who wrote stories that were included in the back of the “Big Book,” of A.A. committed suicide. Thirty percent of the original people who had “recovered from a seemingly hopeless disease,”(1) killed themselves after getting sober.
Now I see why this blog is titled the way it is. We get sober and then we suffer from the maladies we drank over. But back on point. There is a part of me that wants to save every man and woman from going through what I have had to go through. It sucks. But the dis-ease makes me not share this or step out and really take on the energy that benefits from our malaise.
Well starting tomorrow afternoon, I am off line from the outside world for 10 days. COMPLETELY!
Hmmm, maybe that is why I wrote this angry blog. So I would not not have to feel the fear the coming adventure brings.
123 RV, SA, JW, PH, PH, AMA!
All quotes from Carl Jung except (1) which is out of the big book of AA. I also want to thank the Allman Brothers for playing Mountain Jam, which is what I listened to the whole time I wrote this blog.