I. AM. SORRY. I repeat these words sometimes on a daily basis. It’s not about humility. It’s about not understanding my place in the world. It’s about insecurity. Paranoia. Worthlessness. Essentially, I apologize for my existence. Far too many of my encounters with others begin with I’m sorry to bother you, but…
I don’t trust myself. Or maybe I don’t trust you. I’m not sure. I send an anxious email to my psychiatrist and I apologize for it. I think maybe I send one too many texts to a friend (A FRIEND!) checking on them and instantly backpedal with an apology. At work, I ask forgiveness for entering your office in a frenzied manner or for needing further explanation about something. The other night I thanked my husband for being willing to put up with me. It all seems like another form of saying “please don’t hate me.”
Tuesday August 11th marks one year since Robin Williams death. 
Also on this date, I was pacing for 3 hours along a bridge with a serious plan of ending my life. I didn’t know about Robin until I saw it on the news in the hospital. I was profoundly affected by his suicide. I just thought if he can’t survive this, how in the world can I! Why do I even deserve to? He impacted many more lives with his witty candor than I ever would. Past few days, well maybe weeks, I am sorry I didn’t follow through as he did. I am sorry to continually burden my husband, few friends, and my work. I’ve been unproductive, overly needy and absent in all arenas.
Some days I just hurt. The hole in my heart expands w each breath and The blank space in my soul turns black. Some days the lies reach into me, bait me, define me, redesign me. I am left hopeless and become increasingly useless. On the couch I sit. Stare. Sigh with regret. I can’t explain what’s not tangible. I can’t explain what has no basis. After the third call of my name I turn to you. I look through you. Tears stream. I scream I am so very sorry. The dark chasm echoes over and over.
Visions of the bridge. The sound of duct tape ripping. Cold wet air on my face. Cars speeding by. The lonely walk down the pedestrian bridge. Splashing of frigid waters. The screaming echo of I’m sorry. Silence. These intrusive thoughts are assaulting me. You see me navigate the world one foot in front of the other. But, for me I am the Tasmanian devil. Chaos. Complete disarray. Madness. What is happening for me is invisible.
I have a friend who asks me the tough questions. He said, how’s your suicidal thinking these days. I answered. I mentioned Tuesday. I don’t honestly remember what I said or how explicit I was. I was most likely sarcastic and casting it off. But it’s kinda serious. I immediately think I should apologize for that last sentence. It feels burdensome. I can’t seem to decipher truth from burden. Perhaps I associate them. My truth will be too much for you, because I am not worth it.
123 RV, SA, RW, JZ, JM, EP. RIP Mork!
I Dont Want To Talk About It 
It takes a lot of courage to write words like these. The suffering that is happening in the world is palpable and the Fanatic is a courageous one for expressing it. If you look real close, the Fanatic is in one of the pictures. At least an “image” of her is. Can you spot it?
These words may seem trite, but they come from my soul. “I hear your words of sadness and fear, hopelessness, and suffering. Thank you for the immense courage you have to put your self out there for all to see. Bravo for and to you.”
I send you words and thoughts of compassion and care. You matter greatly ❤
You’ve given your unquestionable sadness words that describe the carnage of your very existence. For those that commit suicide, it doesn’t bring relief to those they leave behind. We’re left with the unknown, the waste, heartbroken and confused. Thank you for having the courage to write openly and honestly.
wow! you work at dq! i worked at bk.
there is no need to apologize to me. i’ve been there, done that, didn’t get the t-shirt. your story strikes a chord with me. at times, me feeling is like i need to apologize for everything including my very existence. i forget or i’m tricked into forgetting that I am worthy of what my heart desires. my wish to you is that you can remember you are worthy of everything you heart desires.