I was talking with my good friend the other day. I told him that I didnt know if I was sliding down the rabbit hole or climbing to the mountain by the decisions I had recently made in my life. You see the one and only thing depression has taken from me and my life is the power to believe in my Self. I had lost the ability to trust the inner wisdom that saved my life when I was a child by teaching me how to dissociate to survive. Well it all felt okay, just okay, as I believe I am getting better, until I woke up from a nap about an hour and a half ago. Now it feels like I am sliding down, down and down into that deep and extremely dark abyss called depression. Not just a little sadness, but that feeling when I woke up was that I just wished I was dead, that the psychic pain was just too much to bear any longer. I am very aware of the triggers that have caused this to happen in the last few days. I will discuss just a few.
I had a particular decision that was extremely disturbing for me recently. I had bought some materials, that I am going to use in my endeavor to save my soul by being creative again for the first time in over five years. When they arrived, they were not delivered the way I had anticipated they would be and this disturbed me greatly. I communicated with the supplier and he was solving my problem but before the problem could be addressed, the “Valley Fire,”* broke out about 3 to 4 miles to the east of me. So I had to wait 8 days before I could get back into the property because of the fire. So this distressed me more than I even knew until this afternoon. I realize now that the 8 days were pretty intense. So yesterday the problem was solved and I started the project. I am scared to do it, but I have a deep seated feeling that if I dont, then I will do what my Dad did. You see my Dad died a long time before he died and that is what scares me more than anything. So I was delayed in my journey to salvation by the most scary thing I have ever seen in my life, the Valley Fire, by events that I had no control over.
“…We all come up a little short and we go down hard…” Another thing that is happening is my dear, dear friend the Leprechaun is dying. When I first met him, he was my guide into this hell called trauma carried by the body and hidden from reality by the mind. I call it shame. Well a couple of months ago, he said to me, “I want to heal my shame before I die” Now if you are in mid life it might seem like an easily obtainable goal. But when you are in your 90’s and your body is shutting down in front of you, it is not such an easy thing to do.
When he said that to me my heart hurt. The pain I felt was as powerful as anything I had felt in a long time. When I become the teacher and the Leprechaun became the student, something happened. A part of me died that day for him. But I told him that I would walk all the way through it with him. We have been working very hard on his healing for the last few months. But today, I could see that his body was not well. The reasons for it are not important. What was important was that my dear teacher, who was now the student, was withering away slowly in form and there was nothing I could do about it. Seeing a person who you love as much as you have ever loved in your life dying before your very eyes is brutally real and painful.
“…Now pray for yourself that you may not fall, when the hour of deliverance comes on us all,…” I spent last night at a concert and was with great company. But when I was there, the always ready to pounce on me shame came into play and damn did it rear it’s ugly head. I worked through it and was able to stay present pretty damn well, if I so say myself. But like that constant thread called fear that is present at some level in my existence endlessly, sleep brought the shame back with a brutal vengance today.
“When our hope and faith and courage and trust, can rise or vanish like dust into dust.” Depression is about the lack of faith and trust because when I dont have those two things I have no courage. When I dont have courage, I cant take care of even my basic needs in life. Life then becomes the worst thing it can ever be, a living hell.
“There’s a kingdom of love waiting to be reclaimed.” Then today a friend told me that she did not think she could live without seeing her child. She said that her daughter was her “breath.” That tore me up and I mean it tore me up for a long time. I sat in my car outside the Leprechaun’s house and cried for 10 minutes trying to respond to the friend who talked about her daughter being her “breath.” I stayed outside the Leprechaun’s house and cried because I go and visit the Leprechaun to help him heal. He has given me so much and I feel it is my duty and my honor to give to him in the ways that he gave to me. But to be honest, within five minutes of me being there, I was crying again. Not just tears running down my face, but gut wrenching, full body sobbing. Wailing and dying to be relieved of that pain.**
“…I am the hunter of invisible game.” So I come full circle here hopefully. I wandered the last five years or so in the darkness that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. But I know that I have to be vigilant in my trust and faith. Today when I woke up, it was gone. But at the end of this writing, I feel a little glimmer of courage. Yes it is less than it was before I went to sleep, but shit, after what I have been through and where I have been in the last five years, it is a mountain more than it was just that short time ago.
123-RV, HK, PA, SA, PH, TS, and yes you JW!
* The Valley Fire is/was a fire that started about 4 to 5 miles east of where I was near Loch Lomond, California on Saturday September 12, 2015 at 1:24 p.m. The pictures in this post come from me taking them with my phone, as I am driving to get back home that day and I was hurrying to get out of the area. They are not in focus, but these are the images I was seeing that day. The fire did not come towards where I was, however I got within 1 to 2 miles of the fire about 45 minutes after it started. I have never, ever, ever seen the smoke from a fire rolling into the sky like I saw it that day. I saw the devil that day when I was at the Loch Lomond store. I saw death in a way I hope I never see again.
** I dont talk about my relationship with my daughter here, as it is important to talk about my feelings about the situation, not her reality or mine in relation to her or our relationship.
All quotes from Bruce Springsteen’s The Hunter of Invisible Game. A wonder full metaphorical video is linked below.