“The mind cannot establish or assert anything beyond itself.”

10256520_10152566504701294_2329275829221975349_oWhat is the reason that I can’t understand this simple principle. What is the reason that I can’t understand that my mind is not as big as it thinks it. Is it not insanity for me to believe that because my mind says I am not worthy, that I am not worthy.  You see one of the biggest fallacies I believe, yes I believe, is that my mind is my brain.  Wow, is that the biggest joke since…well since I believed that people were actually going to be nice and loving and kind in the world. I was disabused of this hopeful and loving way of life dad and grandpaby my grandfather early on.  He used to love to come  to our house when I was a young boy and tease us until we cried and then laugh at us for crying.  Please, dont feel sorry for me, because that is just an image about the ghost that I have made him into.  However, when I was 8 years old and all the men of my family, my Dad and two uncles and I were riding in the Hearst to bury Grandpa and they were all crying.  I said out loud,  “why is everyone crying for Grandpa?  He was mean and not a very nice man”  Needless to say that did not go over well, because you dont say anything “disrepectful,” about the dead.  As an aside, where the hell did that myth come from, that you dont say anything disrespectful about someone who is dead?  If that is true, then why do IMG958148 (2)still look at Hitler as the genocidal maniac he was.  Shouldn’t we just forgive and forget?   Can anyone answer that historically. I am afraid that I know where it came from, but dont want to make that argument unless I know it for sure.

“You are more than what you think you are.”  [1] I find that when I engage fully with other people from a depth psychological perspective that I truly am expressing Who I am and more than anything else is I am not trying to express my “self.” I was CP41782056engaged in a wonderful conversation with a friend yesterday and there came a point in our conversation when I wanted to give them “the right answer.” Yet I knew that if I did I would do nothing more than subjecting them to my interpretation of their reality. I was going to make them see them my mind was able to know more than their’s did about their own problems.

hillman“Psychology has no self-help manual for its own affliction.”[1]  I am seeing a favorite site in depth psychology turning into a commercial site.  I wont say which one, you might know Deb, and it saddens me.  You see I see depth psychology as one of the major vehicles which can assist people into a level of healing that is unattainable through the other modalities of therapy.  Why, because it allows a person to go within themselves and learn about their true Self.  Then when I see the site I believe had/has the best chance in doing that become commercialized, it saddens me.

ajaytao-me-myself“Let the flame of anger free you of all falsity.”  After I read what I just wrote, I have to tell the truth and say, it angers me that my favorite depth psychology site is become commercialized.  Many people, Hillman, Woodman and others have made it their life’s journey to try and help heal the world.  Now some person or other persons has made it about money. Why cant healing the world be enough.  I would trade all the money in the world if people could not have to live in fear.  For them to have “High Hopes,” as Bruuuce says.

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Title quote by Carl Jung [1] James Hillman[2]John O’Donohue

“I wish somebody could be found who would…”

lake tahoe in the snow“…set the inner and outer data of this life in order and interpret it with the necessary psychological understanding.” When I set out to write on this site, all I wanted was relief from depression.  I had already been lead to my ideological mentor, James Hillman, and renewed my wonder full relationship with Joseph Campbell’s work.  I was learning about Jung and met wonder full people here.*

I read this Jung quote the other day and see countless examples of the lack of any sort of order and “necessary psychological understanding,” that is manifest in my world in particular and in the interactions and observations with others.  This causes me consternation when I think 2009 Mt Shasta to Oak street 098that the dis-ease in the world is so rampant that we are sliding down a rabbit hole that we will not be able to get out of.  Many would say that the environment is already that precarious.

k3646710If you are all alone then it is because you isolate yourself; if you are humble enough you are never alone.” But then I read this and I realize that the basis of the almost hopelessness that is deep seated and comes from an unconscious place  is usually one of my own mind’s making. Because I decide that I know the worlds problems so well that I understand the gravity of the situation.  Yet if I continue that thought process out to the next level, I realize that  I am doing nothing more than walkingalone_2projecting my own dis ease out onto the rest of the world.  Although many projections would be correct, my dis–ease would still make much of the analysis skewed and possibly incorrect.

But to take the quote above to a collective place, more and more I hear, from friends and others that we are more and more living these isolated lives.  I am so grateful that I have my “meetings,” and peers from there, because if left to my own devices, I would tend to go towards isolation.

To me there is a difference between isolation and introversion.  I truly think there is a part of me that is introverted, but I can cropped-heart3and during the depths of my depression become isolated so bad, that it took my dear friend the Painter to come and get me and tell me that I had to go to the meeting with him.  I would resist, even become angry and defiant, to try and not go with him, but I would always go.

Does that mean I am not humble? I would posit that Jung may have been referring to being humble possibly mean being open to listening to other’s ideas.  Terrence Real said that the “only way out of covert depression is overt depression.?  I may have taken it too literally, but I could not help being in the catatonic state I was in for over 4 years.  No one in their right mind would choose to have their lives destroyed and me brad and Mariathere be a nothingness to their lives like I did.  My dear friend willem3655 would not choose to be where he is today.  There is too much evidence of the contrary by his material possessions and when he is not in the throes of his dis-ease, a joviality and light hearted-ness that he has.

mysterious-glowing-light-in-a-fnland-forest-mikko-lagerstedtI am left at the end of this post still wishing that there was someone who could “set the inner and outer data of this life in order and interpret it with the necessary psychological understanding.”  I guess I will keep trying to find out answers to this journey and struggle we call life.

123 RV, RW, JZ, SA, PA, JM, TS, TL, Virgil, Dwight and the rest of the “Rebellion Dogs.”

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Quotes from Carl Jung

  • like Ptero9, Ajaytoa, Radiating Blossom, Soul Gatherings, Therese Borchard, Beyond Meds, and Symbol Reader, just to name a few.

“These days I spend my time skipping through the dark…”

20150912_174102I was talking with my good friend the other day.   I told him that I didnt know if I was sliding down the rabbit hole or climbing to the mountain by the decisions I had recently made in my life.  You see the one and only thing depression has taken from me and my life is the power to believe in my Self.  I had lost the ability to trust the inner wisdom that saved my life when I was a child by teaching me how to dissociate to survive.  Well it all felt okay, just okay, as I believe I am getting better, until I woke up from a nap about an hour and a half ago.  Now it feels like I am sliding down, down and down into that deep and extremely dark abyss called depression.  Not just a little 20150912_175142sadness, but that feeling when I woke up was that I just wished I was dead, that the psychic pain was just too much to bear any longer.  I am very aware of the triggers that have caused this to happen in the last few days. I will discuss just a few.

I had a particular decision that was extremely disturbing for me recently.  I had bought some materials, that I am going to use in my endeavor to save my soul by being creative again for the first time in over five years.  When they arrived, they were not delivered the way I had anticipated 20150912_172319they would be and this disturbed me greatly.  I communicated with the supplier and he was solving my problem but before the problem could be addressed, the “Valley Fire,”* broke out about 3 to 4 miles to the east of me.  So I had to wait 8 days before I could get back into the property because of the fire. So this distressed me more than I even knew until this afternoon.  I realize now that the 8 days were pretty intense.  So yesterday the problem was solved 20150912_172305and I started the project.  I am scared to do it, but I have a deep seated feeling that if I dont, then I will do what my Dad did.  You see my Dad died a long time before he died and that is what scares me more than anything. So I was delayed in my journey to salvation by the most scary thing I have ever seen in my life, the Valley Fire, by events that I had no control over.

“…We all come up a little short and we go down hard…”  Another thing that is happening is my dear, dear friend the Leprechaun is dying.  When I first met him, he was my guide into this hell called trauma carried by the body and hidden from reality by the mind.  I call it shame.  Well a couple of months ago, he said to me,  “I want to heal my shame before I die” Now if you are in mid life it might seem like an easily obtainable goal.  But when you are in your 90’s 20150912_173328and your body is shutting down in front of you, it is not such an easy thing to do.

When he said that to me my heart hurt.  The pain I felt was as powerful as anything I had felt in a long time.  When I become the teacher and the Leprechaun became the student, something happened.  A part of me died that day for him.  But I told him that I would walk all the way through it with him.  We have been working very hard on his healing for the last few months.  But today, I could see that his body was not well.  The reasons for it are not important.  What was important was that my dear teacher, who was now the student, was withering away slowly in form and there was nothing I could do about it. Seeing a person who you love as much as you have ever loved in your life dying before your very eyes is brutally real and painful.

“…Now pray for yourself that you may not fall, when the hour of deliverance comes on us all,…” I spent last night at a concert and was with great company.  But when I was there, the always ready to pounce on me shame came into play 20150912_173325and damn did it rear it’s ugly head.  I worked through it and was able to stay present pretty damn well, if I so say myself.  But like that constant thread called fear that is present at some level in my existence endlessly, sleep brought the shame back with a brutal vengance today.

“When our hope and faith and courage and trust, can rise or vanish like dust into dust.”  Depression is about the lack of faith and trust because when I dont have those two things I have no courage. When I dont have courage, I cant take care of even my basic needs in life.  Life then becomes the worst thing it can ever be, a living hell.
There’s a kingdom of love waiting to be reclaimed.” Then today a friend told me that she did not think she could live without 20150912_173239seeing her child.  She said that her daughter was her “breath.”  That tore me up and I mean it tore me up for a long time.  I sat in my car outside the Leprechaun’s house and cried for 10 minutes trying to respond to the friend who talked about her daughter being her “breath.”  I stayed outside the Leprechaun’s house and cried because I go and visit the Leprechaun to help him heal.  He has given me so much and I feel it is my duty and my honor to give to him in the ways that he gave to me.    But to be honest, within five minutes of me being there, I was crying again.  Not just tears running down my face, but gut wrenching, full body sobbing.  Wailing and dying to be relieved of that pain.**
20150912_172323“…I am the hunter of invisible game.” So I come full circle here hopefully. I wandered the last five years or so in the darkness that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.  But I know that I have to be vigilant in my trust and faith.  Today when I woke up, it was gone.  But at the end of this writing, I feel a little glimmer of courage.  Yes it is less than it was before I went to sleep, but shit, after what I have been through and where I have been in the last five years, it is a mountain more than it was just that short time ago.

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123-RV, HK, PA, SA, PH, TS, and yes you JW!

* The Valley Fire is/was a fire that started about 4 to 5 miles east of where I was near Loch Lomond, California on Saturday September 12, 20150912_1742442015 at 1:24 p.m.  The pictures in this post come from me taking them with my phone, as I am driving to get back home that day and I was hurrying to get out of the area. They are not in focus, but these are the images I was seeing that day. The fire did not come towards where I was, however I got within 1 to 2 miles of the fire about 45 minutes after it started.  I have never, ever, ever seen the smoke from a fire rolling into the sky like I saw it  that day.  I saw the devil that day when I was at the Loch Lomond store.  I saw death in a way I hope I never see again.

**  I dont talk about my relationship with my daughter here, as it is important to talk about my feelings about the situation, not her reality or mine in relation to her or our relationship.

All quotes from Bruce Springsteen’s The Hunter of Invisible Game. A wonder full metaphorical video is linked below.

Though the years give way to uncertainty…

stunning-smeared-sky-time-lapse-photography-matt-molloy“…and the fear of living for nothing strangles your will.”(1)   These lyrics are the only thing that spoke to me recently.  I have tried 20 times to write a post and gotten bogged down in the analysis of the situations I have experienced recently and stopped.(Damn Brainiac)  Because no matter how much I learn, or experience, or think about, there is a gnawing energy that seems to linger right below my conscious that keeps me from truly experiencing life the way I desire to.*  Because as James Hillman said,  “The soul wants it’s images to be enjoyed and respected.” At many levels I struggle to project my soul’s images.  So I will just tell you about a few experiences I had recently.

I was flying the other day on a flight that was sparsely populated.  As is my way, I started talking to the stewardess.   Her soaring-gullname was Lisa and she lived in Burnit, Texas.(I cant forget that name) She was about 60 with beautiful flowing gray hair and a smile which said how much she wanted and needed to love!  She sat across the aisle of the airplane from me and we talked for about 15 minutes.  The pleasantries completed, somehow we got onto the topic of mental illness.    I shared my personal experience and Lisa opened up and told me that at least half of the stewardesses and pilots who worked for this large airline were in a support group for depression and anxiety and that she knew many of her peers who were taking medication for “mental health,” issues.  When I am in a situation like I was with Lisa from Burnit, Texas, I mostly try to just listen.  Because more than anything, I try to socotra-island-yemenobserve her in such a way to try and “hear,” her tell me with her expressions and body language about her suffering.  Lisa did.  She would always rely on her million dollar smile when it got a little scary, but she told me about her suffering in her life and where it came from.  We had a wonderful conversation and I remember I was taken aback(why I keep thinking the suffering is not across the board) slightly when our chat ended.

‘Nothing isolates us more than power and prestige.”(2)  Lisa was telling me about what she did in her prior life and how becoming a stewardess gave her the economic success she desired, yet she realized that she paid a high price for it.  She 20150902_182534 (2)was never home, her friends drifted away(because she was never home) and her life had become something that she didn’t imagine it would become.  Lisa told me that she had just recently gotten into rescuing horses and donkeys who had been abused and that she derived the most satisfaction just from watching the animals learn that they had a safe place to be on her ranch out there in Burnit, Texas!

“You are more than what you think you are.”(3) I also met another new friend this past week.  As per usual during our first shared coffee, a lot of “stuff,” came out.  It is always amazing to me that when I meet someone new who I am “attracted to,” I 20150902_182432 (2)open up.  What I realized when talking with this friend how much it is that I wanted to connect with her.  Not in the “oh my Ggod fix my life,” kind of way.  I found myself yearning for the shared smile  and more than anything else, the sharing of the humanness that we all seem to carry around but try really hard not to let others know about.

But what I was truly in awe of was her willingness to give up her life to care for her sister, whose bi-polar disorder debilitated her.  Now I know she didn’t give up her life in the total sense, but she said something that floored me.  She said, “what else jess-and-oatiecan I do, she is my sister.”  To me she is truly the hero.  I write here and try to help the struggling alcoholic who suffers from “mental illness,” but I did not give up my life and at some level a sense of comfort to live with someone who is unstable and lives in a lot of fear.( I dont count!!)

123 RW, JZM, JulizaRose, SA, TS, JW!

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(1) Jackson Browne  The Fuse  * I have got a good idea where this comes from, but this post is not about analysis (2) Carl Jung (3) James Hillman from a talk listened to that he did with Dr. Fraser Crane at Pacifica Graduate Institute

Fanatic’s Brotherly Love

beautiful-child1Do you ever feel like you’re dancing when you do housework? You know. Dancing around the issue you can’t face. Or the emotion you don’t want to feel. Or the racing thoughts that threaten your personal stamina. The real overarching issue causing me to clean every crevice of my house was the suicidal chatter.  I placed the medication bottles in the middle of the kitchen table. They quickly became my totem pole. I looked to them for answers, guidance, reassurance.  I envisioned the moment as a sacrifice.  I was giving myself up to the demons strangling my mind.  I could no longer bare witness to my own agony and despair.  The pressure and speed of my thoughts had to be doing structural damage to my brain.  I could feel the impending explosion.
Sprinting around my house from task to task, Starting one after another was the only thing keeping me from bowing down to those pills. I was literally afraid if I sat down I would drink the bottle to quench my agitation.  Round and round I spun faster and faster. If I indeed had a tether to reality it was unraveling.
I scribbled words onto a red piece of paper.  Revealing my pain. Asking for forgiveness.  Apologizing for being such a burden.  Insisting it was no ones fault. Begging him to believe that deep in his soul.  It was a tired explanation. What’s there to say. I mean really.  I can’t do it anymore. I simply give up. I love you tremendously. You love me incredibly.  Love cannot conquer my demons. My inner emotional pain.  The shattered pieces you 7-21-14-rose-jpegdon’t see.  I am sorry is not enough. But it’s all I got.  I can’t ask you to understand, but so hope you do.  At least some day soon.  You ask how I can do this to you? My sweet.  I don’t know.  It’s all too much. I’m being crushed.  I hurt in ways that have no words.  Silent pain is deadly.  I have fallen victim.
The pen falls heavy to the floor accompanied by tears.  My totem pole patiently waiting for me to pay homage.  As I weep, I pile up the wreckage I have created. Proof. Proof I am no good. Proof I am nothing but a burden.  The voices are becoming quite demanding.  Loud. Booming. Malicious.  My resolve cowering as hate fills the room.  The idea of getting up tomorrow makes my body weak. In the past, I’ve counted the pills obsessively.  No time for numbers.  My soul has been withering away for long enough.
dsc09494I reach for the pen. My hand brushes against my cat. A little life that would be impacted by my absence.  In between my husbands shoes lies the pen. I grumble he takes off his shoes wherever he’s at. Bathroom, outside, living room. Rarely is it the bedroom. I will never trip over them again. I scribble on the red paper. Last words: I love you more than you can ever know, Rhonda.
I refocus on my impromptu plan.  Staring. Bottles staring back. The house is clean. Laundry is folded. Nothing left to do.  My img_5264phone rings. My phone never rings. It’s my little brother.  He could need me right now.  I ran just to utter the words hello.  Turns out he did need me.  He needed to tell me he was thinking of me.
One red piece of paper sitting at the bottom of the shredder.  One fanatic with tears streaming down her face with a cell phone glued to her ear.  One little brother just wanting to talk to his sister.

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123 RV, SA, JW, PA, PH, RW, JZM, TS!

Fanatic Falls

hillmanPoor poor little girl
With bruises on her knees
Ego split in two
One part victim
One part fuck you
Humbled once again by nature
Face to face with the dirt
Broken skin
Damaged sense of self
Cursing the universe
Why doesn’t God believe in me?
Has he simply given up?
Twisted thoughts mangle my mind
Down the trail I march
Bloodied shadow in tow
Wrong.
10604659_10204588969262700_7062526869842619097_oThis is all wrong.
How can it be I can’t run a trail right
At least a cracked skull would allow
The chaos
Nonsense
Bullshit
To pour out of me
Relieve me
Create space for peace and quiet
Stomping the ground
Leaving my footprint behind
Facing forward
Outrunning the demons
10660376_843231542383716_2204225344977835787_nUsed to be my solace
Music blaring
My body declaring
I will win this fight
Now
Down she goes times two
Hobbling
Crying
IMG958148 (2)The ridicule deafening
Defeated
Passers by stare
At the dirty mess
That is me

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Fanatic’s Fall

” Individuals can be improved because they present themselves for treatment…”

20150809_180700 (2)I am reminded of James Hillman’s idea that we need to get therapy out of the therapist’s office and out into the world.  But what I have learned because of my journey with depression is that it is still so stigmatized that there is a tendency, even in my self, to keep the issue of mental health a private one.   There is a point in the meetings I attend where the following is said.  “There are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest,”  There are a couple of us who raise our hands and sort of poke fun at the fact that everyone thinks we are the only ones who know we 20150823_063804 (2)suffer from the dis-ease that we get to label accordingly.

Yet, I see that we have a huge need to not acknowledge that we suffer collectively as well as individually.  Most would not be able to accept it  and more than anything, would not be able to work on that aspect of our selves that carries the tension of the opposites.

“….But societies only let themselves be deceived and misled, even if temporarily for their own good…”  I think I need not give 20150821_063716 (2)any more of an example of this than to look at those who are running for President.  I see it nothing more than a Caligula like reality, and all we want to hear is the violins playing.  We are willing to allow people to flat out lie to us, to sell us a bill of goods and to promise us something that none of them can deliver.  Security.
“…For what we are dealing with is simply the passing and morally weakening effects of suggestion.” The human condition, led by the monotheistic vision of lightness and no darkness, has controlled the paradigm so long that it is accepted, not even challenged in any realistic 20150804_063114 (2)way, the world being divided into two aspects.  The names of them are different but they are really the same.  I am seeing that there is more and more writing on race being only a convenient way to separate classes.  I have seen that my whole life.  My father first hated blacks, then Mexicans.  Why?  Because they were a threat to his status in the working poor middle class that he found himself in.

We are truly projecting our shadow more and more as we go on as a culture.  We are becoming more and more afraid that the pie is being divided and we are not getting “our” share.  When are we going to realize that we have been dividing a smaller and smaller share?

20150801_063116 (2)But yet I have hope.  There are politicians who are saying things that resonate with me.  There are people doing the work of trying to give people some hope.  We are not getting hope from our leaders any longer.  Politicians are not working for justice for all.  They are no more  than just glorified spokespeople for the people who support them.

Alright I am out of the therapy room and into the world!

The pictures are all from my deck at sunrise, except the first one, which was taken from 20150821_063536 (2)Calistoga when the Jerusalem fire broke out two weeks ago.

Quotes from Carl Jung, Letters Vol. II, Pages 217-221.

Fanatical Freedom!!

churchSometimes my mind is only filled with clutter and debris. It seems to grow bigger and bigger until it’s all I see.  Until I can’t breathe. Until I become short and irritable with others. Until I must retreat to a dark and quiet space.  There are certain times I can rationalize this behavior. But, other times, it seemingly comes out of nowhere. Just yesterday I had a lovely morning roaming around my hometown at a classic car show. Following that I went to the grocery store to pick up some favorite foods for breakfast. Skipping along in the store with no worries.  Issues at the register happened, but I pornwasn’t phased. However, once I arrived home the environmental cacophony of my house shook me. It was as if the hum of the ceiling fan, base of the stereo, meow of my cats, buzz of the dishwasher, and visual of ever building dishes in the sink literally came alive. They were choking me and robbing me of air, of communication skills. I was surrounded and could not move. I felt like a prisoner in my kitchen.  I snapped at my husband. He in turn snapped. I ran to thes_e12_RTX116XJ farthest room in our house, which doesn’t really exist in a 1100 square foot space.  It felt like if I didn’t find darkness and quiet I was going to explode.
I simply don’t understand why this happened in my home. Perhaps it’s just creeping into personal space. Similar scenario at work this week. Voices were booming from the hallwayIMG00282 and then crawling up the walls of my office. I could hear the printer, the copier, fast footsteps, phone conversations at rock concert level in headphones.  Mind you all these noises occur every single day all day a majority of the time and I barely register it.  Maybe this overwhelm happens to every last one of us, I don’t know.  Lately it’s bringing me tears and ultimately to my knees.  However, the one fantatics hairbright spot is that it lasts only 10-15 minutes.
The clutter and debris play out in real time. I was at a concert last night of my favorite artist. We positioned ourselves to allow extra space along a railing, a buffer of sorts. On the second tier I can take in the view of the crowd and the stage while allowing the music to penetrate me.  Eyes closed letting the words and beat reach into, eyes open taking in the artists every move.  All the while dancing. Letting go.
n2359Thor_mazlin900Sharp mementos when I realize how many people are there, how hot it is, how loud it is.  My eyes dart and pick out people, suddenly feel the railing against my body.  In front of me is a drunk woman stumbling. I am transported back in time when I was that woman. I see people staring, sneering at her.  That was me. I crawl into the guilt trap. Oh how many shows I must have ruined. How is it my husband is still here?  What a liar, manipulator I was.  Even not drinking, I have ruined shows in that Couple-dancing-photography5we couldn’t go because I was too depressed or had to leave because I had a panic attack.  What a fucking mess I am.
Back into the sound, the groove. Planted on the 2nd tier, above everyone, I feel like the spotlight is on me. She can see me, she is smiling at me. I dance harder. Will myself to get lost in the beautiful sound.  Will myself to leave the clutter and debris behind. Shove it in the back of mind. It will surely be there tomorrow.  Allow myself relief.  Join the masses and throw my hands up in the air.
navajo-creation-myth-john-stephens-poster2I did, I finally did. I was sucked into the magic healing of music. I swayed. I bounced. I laughed. I smiled. I listened.  She was singing to me.  I was singing with her.  Space was cleared for me to truly enjoy the moment.

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Footstep Fanatic

moniqueEach footstep was faster as I walked to therapy. My breath was heavy and on the verge of panic. I could feel all these emotions swirling in my body. Anger, sadness, shame, despair.  It wasn’t as if one dominated. They all took up space. I don’t usually walk, but today it was paramount I not drive my car. The call to jump off the bridge was loud and clear. I entertained it for several minutes as I sat in the drivers seat, key in the ignition.  My plan 20140708-182105-66065695.jpgwas to say goodbye to my therapist, say goodbye to my AA support group and disappear.
Enter thoughts of my husband. I love this man. He can certainly drive me crazy, but ultimately he has been there since day 1. I was just as issue ridden 16 yrs ago, it just looked a little different. It seems like I had a lot more strengths and skills than I do now. Whatever I brought to the table, he could see it.
It has really hit me hard how much I need him. Although I’m not sure in an entirely good way. I understand it’s okay to need people in your life to prop you up sometimes. However, my only reason for existence is him. I can find no inner purpose, no redeeming quality in myself that renders me worthy of taking up space. That’s sad in itself. What’s worse, at least in this moment, is he is out of town.  I am crumbling.
mischievous-smile-ajaytaoI push him and everyone else away. I think I can do this on my own. I think I am strong. I’m not. I’m so very weak.
How is it different when he is home? There is structure. I actually get up and go to work. I actually just get up, regardless of work.  These past few days I have slept til 2 in the afternoon.  There is a tone, a sort of expectation in the air to carry on. I follow that lead. Of course, if I absolutely can’t, it’s a different story.  I shower. I eat 3 meals. Things that are routine to him and general society go out the window.  I just stop doing anything. Mostly I cry and believe the world is better off without me.
When he is home there is some sort of distraction from the demons in my head. Right now, the demons are swallowing me whole.  Pick up the phone fanatic!! I just cannot seem to do this. I write this over and over. It’s no joke. I can’t. I have tried a few times. At a very desperate time, 2 yrs ago I called and was honest in the moment. It’s agonizing for me. The words just don’t come and then I feel guilt and shame for calling at all.
I am so black and white. So extreme. At work I grind away at being “the best” striving for some mysterious standard I have set. I claw my way toward some elusive top. I can never be on top or measure up because I am simply not good enough. I think ahead of my boss on some projects, over prepare, over organize. Not necessarily looking for accolades from her but to satisfy some inner longing to feel whole, necessary, significant. I beat myself into the ground til I’m crawling the halls speaking-eyes-ericrefusing to allow myself a break or a day off. Yet, here I am off work this week because I can’t perform melding into my bed. There is no in between. It’s killing me.
The shame I harbor about having bipolar and the limitations it causes me is painful. It’s not okay with me that extreme stress takes me out, while others still show up. It’s not okay with me I have memory loss and it affects my job performance. It’s not okay with me I sometimes have extreme agitation and cannot be in a work environment. These same issues affect my personal life. I can no longer share memories w my husband because they just aren’t there. I try so hard to conjure them up, but to no avail. Sometimes I can’t stand his voice or touch.  Sometimes I cry at baseball games for no reason.  Poor fucking fanatic!!
godafoss-waterfall-of-the-gods-iceland-pome-acroAcceptance. Perfectionism. Self compassion. What a long road it’s been. What an even longer road it’s going to be if I don’t work on some things. I’m stuck in a what’s the point loop. I’m cursed. I’m doomed. This is lifelong. No matter which door I choose, bipolar will be with me, as well as alcoholism.  That’s a fact.  Seems there is so much fiction wrapped up in all this for me, which fuels the loop and closes the door.

How do you find the strength to walk through the door each day with whatever is on your back?