“Well if I had one wish for you in this god forsaken world,”

 

dad and grandpa
“kid, It’d be that your mistakes will be your own…That your sins will be your own”(1)

That picture above is my Dad with his Dad.  I imagine this was taken up off Dry Creek Road out of Oakville, in the 1950s,  since that was where my family had lived(I think one last member of the family is up there)for generations.

jess-and-oatieI write today because it has been five years, today, since my Dad died.  I was visiting with my dear friend Colleen yesterday, whose late husband, my dear friend Jerry, decided about a month and three years ago that he could no longer hang out here in this life.  Jerry was over 33 years sober when his suffering was too much.  A number of us, who were close to Jerry, were with him the night before.  Jerry’s suffering was manifested in what the culture calls “mental illness.” I dont call it that.

I call it suffering from those “very deep seated, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts,”(2) that persist below the level of consciousness. These conflicts can give our emotions violent twists which discolor our personalities and alter our lives for the worse. Though the harm we do others may not be great, the emotional harm we can do ourselves can alter our lives in ways that can be overwhelming.

tumblr_luxczfdocB1qzxyqfo1_400I write about Jerry and my Dad just to point out that society sees that there is something “wrong” with Jerry whereas they see no problem with the fact that my Dad died with emphysema, COPD, cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, had half his upper lip removed from smoking, had 3 bypasses and spent half of his last 3 months in a hospital.

All they offered Jerry was a lobotomy or institutionalization.  They threw everything at keeping my Dad alive

Since I am railing, Anti-Depressants are a fucking joke.  Jerry and the Fanatic and my friend Steve have tried a plethora of them and my observation is they have suffered and  CONTINUE to suffer more in the long run being on them than they have helped them.(I tried five of them and none of them worked so I stopped taking them and had to learn other ways to deal with my “depression”)

Dr. Gabor Mate has done tremendous work with heroin addicts in Vancouver BC.  He posits the theory, which I agree with,(after hearing many men tell their stories)that it is trauma which is the cause of our suffering being manifested in the ways they do/did for people like Jerry and my Dad.

America, stop traumatizing your children. We are traumatized so much that we continue to watch trauma being expressed and abuse being acted out in our culture and we call it “entertainment,” or news.  Its not.  It is a culture which profits off trauma and those who do dont give a fuck about those who they traumatize.

Peace and Love

(1) “Long Time Coming.” Bruce Springsteen

(2) A.A. 12 by 12, pg 79-80

123 SA, RW, Fanatic, Colleen, Ed, Kevin and Bretton.

People ask me why I almost always put the wolf and “pointy boy” at the end of a post.  They are the guardians of this blog.  They keep us safe and also remind us of how temporary this whole thing is.

 

Losing my will to Live

  log-cabin-snowy-lapland1 I cannot carry on like this anymore.  I cannot talk to people.  I cannnot sit still unless it is bed time and I take my medication.  This is no life.  So many months now.  No desire.  No hope.  No dreams.  No energy to carry forth.

I have another med check this Monday.  So what the fuck do i do.  I have been on so many different drugs now.

roots-of-a-tree-bark-ajaytao-11I THINK that the drugs have made my already anxiety and depression worse.  i sometimes can barely walk.
This coming from a man who a year ago worked out 4 times a week and walked 12 miles a week.  Now I cringe when the phone rings.  I just want to die and I do not want to die.  My dear friends call me and all  I can say to them is “yes” or “no”.  My god where are you now.  Where were for Robin.  Were you there???  Are you here???
I don’t want to take care of myself anymore.  ten months of depression and panic/anxiety attacks have sucked the life right out of me.  House bound for the past couple of months.  Don’t go anywhere because I cannot sit still.
mystical-clouds-ajaytaoI say nothing.  I feel nothing but pain.  Crushing pain in my head.  Anxiety and then more anxiety.  I lay down to rest and come to in a panic.  What have I done to myself is the question I keep asking myself.  Where did I go.
Who am I now.  I operate for about 12 hours in a day.  Mostly just staring at the TV or reading blogs about getting better.  I am sick of this.  I will not let me go.  So I have just let it do what it wants.  It wants me dead.  So I can have peace.
Willem3655
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW, PH, JM, JB, TN
finger-touching-nose-of-baby

Hoping to Wake Up Dead!

peaks-in-the-sky-ajaytaoI am so ashamed of my self.  For being nothing.  For letting my life slide through my hands.  I feel responsible for this depression and anxiety.  Fall is coming and I am scared.  I feel like I cannot go on.  I will not let anybody in.
I think of death all the time.  Of the wasted life.  I cannot see a future.  Fear that after 59 years, would could it look like if this is what is now and seemingly always have been.  Have not walked into my office in 8 months.  Really have not had any human contact for over a couple of weeks.  I have nothing to say when int he company of others. I have let my body go.  I Lay in bed for hours, hoping to wake up dead.  I am in the middle of closing a real estate deal and feel like I cannot get it done.  I look at myself in the mirror and I see horrible things looking back.  Nothing but horror.  I do not want to see anybody. I feel dead. Fucking pills have ruined me. Somebody help.  Somebody.
387043_348007145280307_766454822_nI need to help myself.  Where to turn.  Robin killing himself has me terrified.  I am so empty on the inside.  I stay in my house and the it just grows.  I am not want this.   I want to be and yet I do not know what will fill me up.
People say to learn to just sit with it.  Where.  I cannot stand my insides.  Failure upon failure.  And now addiction to medicines the doctors gave me to get better and I am not better.  I am worse.  I am weak.  Mentally and physically.  Friends are checking into pysche wards left and right.  I can barely look anybody in the eyes.  Don’t want them to see my pain.. I do not want to hear just pull yourself up by your boot straps.  I do want my family to suffer from my killing myself and yet I do not want to see them. on-his-eternal-journey-ajaytao1I  need fellowship and stopped seeking it.  I am fucked up and become more fucked up each day.  I do not know where this rambling is going.  Nowhere.  I am nowhere.  I see people talking on their cells phones all day long and I cannot imagine what the fuck they are talking about.  All my interests in this life have left me.  Everyday I want to die and will not pull the trigger.   Walking down the street has become more that I can handle.  I want out and I want out .  Please GODS, help me to find and feel a purpose.
saifee-hospital-ajaytaoPlease. help me.  A purpose.  A purpose.  Something besides thinking about my own misery.  Just anything.  I have such anxiety I cannot be around anyone.  I just want to run.  I have run out of places to run.  And talk about lack of acceptance.  I need to accept that I am emotionally ill right now have been for months.  Dear GODS.
get-attachment-13-e1379888216160I cant listen to music.  How can a musician no longer stand to hear music.  It reminds of time gone by.  When I felt better.
When I was in  the world.  When I was in the world.  I feel like I can no longer take care of myself.  Barely get in and out a grocery store.  And I dont cook.  Just anything I can stuff into my mouth.  Fuck I am pissed.
This is not what god wants for me.  Please purpose arrive at my house in my soul and in my heart.
  It feel today that I have never had one fucking thing to live off except fear.  What shall I do with the next moments of  this day. Where do I turn.  Do not want to be alone anymore and cannot stand to see people alive when I am not.
I just am not alive.
This is Willem 3655 saying to the universe help me to get the fuck out of myself.  It has been months and months since I last laughed.  I so miss laughing.  Universe hear me beckon you and come to me and I will answer.
dsc09494
Please say a prayer for the Fanatic too!
P.S. This blog was written by Willem3655.  He writes here, the Fanatic write here, and I, shoe1000, write here.  We are not all the same person!

It’s Back

siena-tuscany-steve-mcglannan Nothing but anxiety.  No peace.  I know dear friend that you cannot cure this thing.  This beast.  But i write to get relief.  Relief from the thoughts of killing myself.  Ending this pain once and for all.  I cannot imagine peace in my soul.  I try .  I surrender.  I pray.  I reach out even though it hurts to talk to anyone.  I know that I have to walk through this with the GODS, the male and female energies that make us.  Fuck it hurts to press these keys.
Why I ask would someone suffer so?  I cannot go on like this.  I must surrender to the earth.  I hate this loneliness.
Unable to stand for minutes the engagement with another human being.  So I write.  My new-yorker-reads-nazi-army-75-miles-from-paris-nyc-municipal-archivesbrain is on fire.  Just on fire.  Beyond scared.  Beyond.  The mother fucking pills.  I wish I would have never taken one of them in 1997.
normal1-e1385992240158I have searched for the right meds ever since.  The benzos have fucked me. This I know to be true.  It feels and I think that I have never had a happy peaceful moment in all my days.
I feel like this is always been me.  But it cannot be true.  I would have never made 59 years.  I want and ask the Gods for just simple peace   Just simple peace.  Peace to walk down the street and just look around.  Peace to re-join my friends and re-join my family to rejoin my work. So say today that I will be somewhere tomorrow at 10 and be able to be there.  Whatever happens in between.
silo-portoDear Gods help me, mother earth.  I am one of your children.  Let me be present for my life.  Please.  I am in your hands.  I cannot do it.  I must surrender.  I do  not remember WHO I am.  I dont remember laughter.
I do not remember tasting food.  I do not remember the birdsong.  Now all haunting ghosts of something beyond my touch.  I am at the end.  I hope the end of the beginning.
Written by Willem 3655
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW, TN, JM, EP!
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Where is my Higher Power

siena-tuscany-steve-mcglannan Written by Willem3655
–As I awoke this morning, there was calm.  I looked at my house with pleasure.  Grateful to be in it.  And I asked God that if I can be this calm right now at 6:30, why not the whole day.  What is the difference.  It is still the same day.  I am still the same person.  And right then, at that moment I was calm.  Then I walked outside and I was still calm.  For an hour or so, calm; present and enjoying the morning aroma.
Then, as if hit with a  hammer, wham, and then it all comes around to where I have not been going…   old-stairway-salerano-italy-adina-buligaWORK.   REB DOGS.  No talking on the phone..  Out of breath.  Memory problems.  And right now as I write this, I am just barely able to do it.  I want to just walk down the street and smile and laugh.  And no laughter.
Take pills.  More pills.  Different pills.  Pace and pace.  No confidence.  No free association with thought.  No desires.
No goals.  Just death.  Just death.  Now I want to smoke again.  Really I want what I have what I  had in the past without the ghosts of self loathing and defeat.  I have defeated myself over and over again.  I received an invite to a birthday party this morning.  One of my dearest friends.  I will not attend.  Jesus lord I can barley sit here and write this although it is helping me.  Knowing that it is going to be read and that I will be heard.   I do not want to die by my own hand and yet I feel like there is no where to go with this.  No where to go.
If I do anything good for myself, it means to me that I must do it again.
bridge-over-calm-waters-strasbourg-france-adina-buligaI hate myself so much for not being able to go out the door.  I have my best friend in coming to town.  I do not want him to see me like this.  Broken.  And just fucking broken.  Last June 13th I was laughing all the time.  Just relieved to be alive and feeling so capable.  And 6 months later from the beginning of this depression, my shoulders hurt holding them in place to write these words.
Isolate   Isolate  Isolate so the anxiety is bearable.
123 Rhonda, Steve, Renee, Pam and yes Jim!
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I feel dead inside.

 phewa-lake-nepalBy Willem 3655.
As I sit here, I am asking the GODS why have you forsaken me.  An entire life NEVER being where I want to be.
I do not know where that place is.  Years and years of work and therapy and sobriety and still I feel so alone.
I go to meetings and no relief.  I go to be with friends and always feeling like I am supposed to be somewhere else.
jungle-sergey-karpukhinI can barely stand this torment.  If I go to do anything, I mean anything, I am not supposed to be there.  I am supposed to be somewhere else, being and doing something else.  I have not worked in months.  Terrified to look at the desk and do nothing.  I walk and it feels like nothing.  I speak to my family and nothing.  Just depression and anxiety and anger.  What does this anxiety want of me.  There is no peace that I feel.  I smoke and pace and then I just want to sleep.  It feels right now like my entire life has been nothing.  Just nothing.  No accomplishments; no contact with the human race.  Gods, writing this is scaring the crap out of me.  I have been in this depression for months mow.   So many months.  I once had a therapist tell me that a lot is still happening when you are in a depression.  I want out and my friend says dive in.  Dive where.  I want my fucking life back.  I want to look forward to things.  To seeing my family is the biggest heartache I feel.  It has always been there.  Whether I am with them or not.
Der Kandel im Schwarzwald (Kandel Mountain, Black Forest, Baden-Please God, take me somewhere of take me or let me have peace that all is right at this moment.  I have not seen my family for 6 years.  Six years and the anxiety of travel and the shame of my life keep me from going there.  Afraid it will not be enough.  That I am not enough.  Last year this was not true for me.  I felt on track.  Or was I?
whirlpool-2I meditate to Tara Brach and she says just be.  My memory is fading.  Or it is a struggle to read and remember just about anything.  What am I doing even writing this stuff.    Working on not letting it control me.  I know that everything is there but I feel dead inside.  Just dead.  So why bother about anything.  I am a self hater.  It is what I was taught.  So I hate myself and the world and everything.  Please for GODS sake, somebody help me.
123 BT, RV, SA, PA, RW, JW
baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannonhowling-wolf-img_assist_custom-600x594

Dear Ggods,

   fire-clouds-on-the-lake-vaud-switzerland-chris-bard Please help me and let’s put an end to this nightmare of anxiety and depression.  I just returned from the doctor and was given another, new script.  I have been NOT living for over 4 months now. Pacing is my constant companion.  I find it next to impossible to talk anymore.  I have not laughed in months.

I pace, watch tv, pray, meditate and worry.  I want out of this loop.  It is becoming to much.  There has to be an answer to my emotional and mental disease.  I cannot stand to go to my

AA meeting anymore.  Cannot sit; cannot speak.  Talking on the telephone only creates more anxiety.  more depression.  i am going to try this new med, cymbalta and see what happens.  In the meantime, i have never been this alone.  My friend is a constant companion and I thank God for him.. I talk to others. but it just hurts me to strain and pull the words out of my brain.  Hello and hello is all I have got in me.  I can write but barely speak.  I deflect.

I walk up and down the street, over and over again.  No relief.  I want to be around people but it hurts.

dwan-fire-fuzzypiggyToday after the doctor i thought I was going to die.  Driving up and down Highway 49 waiting for script to be filled.  Am I wrong in doing meds.  Is this a spiritually illness.  Yesterday’s bad weather had me near suicide.

Today I can sit with the door open.  It provides some sense of not being trapped.  I have not joy ever.

I never laugh.  I never find peace.  So many chemicals they/I have put into my body in the last 6 months.

dusk-bluei am dissolving right before my very eyes.  I cannot go to work.  Have no idea what I would do once I got there.  i find hello to the next door neighbor painful as ever.  I call my friends for abbreviated conversations and my family for the same.  I walk and I walk.  Stuck inside this hell.  It is as if I cannot access any pleasure in this life.  and I do try.  I keep trying  and trying.  Please Gods, find me.  Please ancestors, find me.  Please family come to me.  Please friends, do not give up me.  Please Gods, remove the obsessions to smoke and to think the same shit over and over again.  I want out of misery.  Please Gods, let this medicine work.  Medicines have worked for me in the past.  i want out of this misery.  I want to be part of the web of life again.  Energy and joy and peace.  Just some peace.  Please, please help me hope myself.

Willem3655

20131101-062926.jpg

Take the Long Way Home

img_5264Good Morning God.  I know you are there. Please answer.  I am dieing each day on the inside, and cannot stand the outside world anymore.  And that is where the answer is.  God works through people. On the outside.   Help me.  Every breath I take is all about death.  I want out.  Just out.  All my life I have wanted out.  At least I think so.  Grant me the serenity to accept this condition.  It is the only way it will heal.

church-burg-hohenzollern-adina-buligaI have been in my house for three months now.  Rarely venture out.  The anxiety and depression has robbed me of my  voice.  I can barely hit the keys of the keyboard right now.  My brain is on fire all day long.  I take pills to sleep given to me from the my doctor.  They are running out and I cannot get back there to get more. What do I do know?  Right this instance.  I left my work at the office just sitting there.  Three hour was all I could take the last time I was there.  I am finished.  I am finished.  I am sorry to all.  I cannot do this anymore.

I cannot walk down my street.  I was walking everyday for a couple of months.  now I dread it.  I dread everything.  I eat only to survive one more day in case this changes.  My friends keep saying this will change.  I am exhausted.  What happened to my laugh.  It is gone.  I cannot remember the last time I laughed.  Please God, please God.  Come to me right now.   The anxiety this morning, it is all there is.

normal1-e1385992240158It is all there is.  My friend ask me yesterday about going to the hospital.  I will not go.  I have been before and cannot handle the thought of doing it again.  Death is more appealing than going into hospital to get put on drugs so I will not hurt myself.  I stayed stoned for several years, all the way through 2011. Now I am almost three years sober and I cannot do life.  Or is it, will not.  I have lost my mind.  I have lost my mind.

I just want to feel normal.  Just normal.

 Unable to  Ranymore, yet I have nothing else to do. I just pace and smoke.  I am turning 59 years old next month and I do not think I will get there.

Willem3655

123 RV, SA, JW  R.I.P. Jason

 baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannon

Why..am..I…?

humming-bird-and-snake I am supposed to be doing something with my life and I just cannot stand still long enough to do it.

This depression, the anxiety, the hopelessness, is crushing me.  My mother used to always say to me, “my son, my son, you are like a caged animal.  So you see, I have lived 58 years feeling caged.  Always with a sense that whatever I am doing, I had to be somewhere else.  ALways.  I have spent an entire lifetime justifying my existence by things outside of me.  So today I played guitar, then I ride my motorcycle, then I worked out.  Then I would work.  I would pray for Monday Mornings so I could get out of my head.  years and years of AA meetings, not to remain sober, but to point to fact that i did something.  I reached out.  That I reached out and helped somebody else.  The meter constantly running in my head,

china20holding20hands20for20portfolio1After yesterday’s meeting, i don’t think I have ever felt as hopeless.  It ends and I barely made it home.  Then the swirl started..  What to do.  I’ll do laundry.  I called friends.  I turned on the TV to drown out the thoughts.  ANXIETY.  ANXIETY.  Nothing but anxiety. No peace to be found.  I walked.  A friend came over.  What drugs do I take or not take .  Do I kill myself today.  I cannot take another Monday morning of not being able to go to work.  Of this nothing.  Everyday. Nothing.  I try.  I pray.  I walk.  I am so tired of the walks.  Of trying to figure out where is the peace in my soul.  I cannot speak in only yes or no.  Please God come to me now.  This is indeed my greatest hour of intervention.  I watched Wayne Dyer’s movie yesterday, The Shift.

God it was hard to look into this man’s face on the screen.  To see his peace and conviction of living.

incence-dean-forbesWhy can’t I have that.  Why can’t I just sit right here and love myself, right now.  Be kind and gentle to myself.  To walk down the street and just smile.  and relax.  What am I to do.  When will this change.

It has before.  Last year at this time I was just like this, but there remained a glimmer of hope.  I went back to work.   I went back to meetings.  I went into the world and it felt good.  Then this November came and it left me.  I could not sit at my desk any longer.  Could  not show up for appointments.  Could not show up.

flag-high-thomas-jeppesenI feel finished right here and now/.  Just done with this thing.  I have therapy in the morning.  How the fuck will I even get there.  I don’t want to talk about myself anymore.  35 years of therapy and here I sit, unable to greet the next person that may cross my path.  I know this is an inside job.  I know this.  My ego, the anxiety, the depression keeps me from it.  I don’t want anybody to know I am so broken inside.

Willem3655

123 RV, SA, JW

howling-wolf-img_assist_custom-600x594

Anything Different

cabins-at-mt-assiniboine-lodge-british-columbiaIt’s morning and here I am sitting at the keyboard not knowing what else to do.  the anxiety beginning to grow and swell up inside of me.  Yesterday was a very difficult day and I am scared.  I found myself struggling to speak and to think.  I am so hopeful that will not be the case today. In a way I am afraid to for this depression to lift.  It has been my life now for two months and I have done nothing but walk and avoid people.  What will I do with myself.   Nothing to say.  The computer and the cell phone my only contact with the world.  God, why am I so afraid.  Why am I so depressed.  Why am I so anxious.  Why am I so tired.

split-decisionI have things to do and mostly cannot get to them.  Writing here and now is relief.  Another walk.

My landlord is coming over to the house today and I do not want to see him.  Nice man.  I am right now the same person he say several months ago.  Fake a smile.  Fake a conversation.  Fake.  Fake. Fake.

Today I need to love myself exactly as I am.  I can do it.  I must.  I must fine a way to to use this anxiety energy for living.  I deserve the best.  Nothing but the best and it must start with me.  Give these demons a name.  Welcome them.  Give them a voice.  I have not always been like this, yet below the surface of my facade, always like this.  When i ran out of steam at work two months ago, I just crashed.  And the depression grew and the anxiety grew.  Now I am pacing again.  Why.  Why can’t I just sit still and experience my thoughts and feelings.  Please Great Spirit help me.  Help me to be in this world without shame.  Without shame.  Suicide seems like an option all to often in my thoughts.  I am so tired of thinking like this.  What will I do with this day, besides pace and pray.  I do not know how much more of this I can stand.  Planning a day of survival, not living.  just survival.  i am sick of this.  What do I do.

chicago-north-side-scott-turnerI feel like there is no where to turn.  At all.  There is never peace in my thoughts or heart.  I cannot remember laughing.  Just a good old fashion laugh.  Its 7 AM and here I sit.  For 60 days I have had to force everything. Each move outside the door.  Calculated to the second.  I just cannot stand and talk.  Talk about plans for the future or the weather or what I did yesterday.  All I did yesterday was walk.  I talked to Jeff and Jim and and to Paul.  i want to be able to just hang out.  Go to a coffee shop.  Read the paper.   cannot stand to put the newspaper in my hand.  I pray my prayers our loud every morning and afternoon.  If the phone rings, I shake in terror.  Terror that I will have to show up somewhere and be found out.  Found out of being blank.  People are commenting all the time they hear it in my voice.  See it in the way i hold my body.

transparent-river-malaysiaFeel it in my breathing.  Lord God, send me my angle today.  Please.  I don’t want to pace anymore and just sit here in my house in total exhaustion.  Please God.  Please God.  Send me my angel.  I just got up and I am beyond tired.  Another day for me to find peace within.  Peace for myself.  Peace for all.  I just want to work some, play some, rest some.  That is all I am asking for.  Anything different.  Anything different.

 Love and light to me and all who my read this and understand.

 Willem 3655

123 RV, SA, JW

baby-owl-learning-to-fly-peter-brannon