Fanatic Raw

women-eyes

In the daylight hours I am superwoman. Solving problems. Suggesting changes. Looking to boost morale. Taking phone calls. Making phone calls. Meeting with staff. Meeting with my boss. Meeting potential new clients and their families. Completing quality checks. Reviewing and approving incident reports. Answering every single text and email as it arrives on my phone or laptop. Welcome to full time work.

I am no stranger to full time work since I graduated from college some many years ago. However, I am newly re-entering this world.
It’s amazing how I can create such a powerful work persona. But, in reality feel quite weak and helpless much of the time. Vulnerability is not my strong suite. Sometimes radical honesty is not my strong suite. But, work ethic! Integrity. Sincerity. Perfectionism..seems to be in my bones. I work very hard in any job I have. I over extend. I easily get tunnel vision. I too easily lose sight of work life balance.
What is not seen is the inability to get out of bed in the morning. The anxiety that holds me hostage in that bed. The struggle that takes place when my husband heads off to work and I have to hold myself accountable. I have to find the strength to put my feet on the floor. The thought tornado that takes place as I lay my head on the pillow each night. The smile I force on my face as I stare into the mirror and wonder how I can face the day.
20140708-182105-66065695.jpgI took a new job recently. It’s a management position, which I have never had before. With less than 60 days into the position I was asked to supervise another staff. This was not part of the interview process. It’s my boss having complete trust in me. My boss believing in me. I haven’t even passed probation yet. It’s a lovely feeling to have someone believe in you so much in such a short amount of time. We are in the process of hiring said person I will supervise. As we are interviewing and getting closer, I am feeling the stress of never having been a supervisor. The stress of being overwhelmed in my own position right now. The thought of having to train, supervise and be responsible for this staff person is hitting me.
I say all this because I’m not dealing with the stress well. I’m pretending I am not stressed or scared or worried. I have that superwoman cape on. The work persona is my shield. I engaged in some self harm behavior in the last few days to offset the stress. Does that even make sense? I am trying to stay sober. Drinking is a coping mechanism for me. So, I look to other self destructive ways to not feel. Ways I haven’t engaged in for quite a while.

I am not proud of myself. I did tell someone. But, I didn’t call anyone in the moment. I didn’t reach out for help. I just wanted to solve my “problem.”
Life is a work in progress right. Whether you have a mental illness or not. Whether you choose healthy or unhealthy outlets. The day will begin again. My feet will need to hit the floor again. I’m still here to give it my best shot. Some would be impressed by that.

123 RV, SA, AF,BT,TL, JM, WC

 

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