“Love is never security; love is a state in which there is no desire to be secure;…

blue-mask-matt-marquez

it is a state of vulnerability” (1)

I am learning about this one!   What I realize most of my depression is about is needing to feel secure.  When those deep seated, sometimes quite forgotten emotion conflicts come up, not if but when, my default position has been to find security.  Why?

I think because I needed to create these fictions in my mind that made me feel secure in my own mind!   There is nothing “wrong,” or negative about that, wouldnt you agree?   The problem for me was that I continued to create an image of what was going on in my present reality based on those constructs I created so long ago.

hillmanOne of the biggest gifts of the last few years has been my exposure to the works of Jung and particularly, for me, the works of Hillman.  I learned about 30 years ago from people like Bradshaw, Mellody, and  Joseph Campbell, whose writings helped me more than any Big Book, that I did not have to live in the contsruct that everything in the world was literal and my p181600_2a_400fault.

 

  But back to Jung and Hillman.   My exposure to depth psychology and my breath work with my deceased buddy John Jack (whose picture I could not find) got me in touch, (again since I thought I had “dealt” with this stuff 25 plus years ago in ACA) with the biggest and probably oldest construct I have (many today call it denial) which blocks me from being with people in the way I want to be with them.

I recently had a great opportunity to put all of the work I had done in the last 7 plus years to test.  What happened and why I see that I did better than I have ever have is not important to this writing.

jess-and-oatieWhat I noticed and observed, almost like a third person narrative, was my old construct,(“old tapes’ in recovery jargon) was not as dominant as it had been in the past.  I was conversing with this amazing person and was able to be present in a way that I have not had the ability to be present with in a long time, if ever.

What is important is that I was able to see my “SELF” wanting to project onto this person a series of beliefs and assumptions that had nothing to do with the present. The gift was for the most part I was able to be present and not buy into my shadow’s construct of what was present, but to be able to say to myself that what I was thinking had no basis in fact.  I appreciated my fear coming up and acknowledged it to myself.

But what I got to do was be open and available to intimacy in a way I had never been able to be present for EVER!

lavender-labyrinthjpg-33b96e17e96c5811_largeI had a willing and what seemed to me to be a beautiful person who was being present and open.

I have said all along is that all I want to be was conscious.  Well, I walked through an event that I give myself credit for being present for 95% of the time.  It is not perfect but damn, it is better than it has ever been

123 RW, RV, DH, PH, SA, JM, WC, MB, BT, JDK

(1) Jiddu Krishnamurti

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