“Well if I had one wish for you in this god forsaken world,”


dad and grandpa
“kid, It’d be that your mistakes will be your own…That your sins will be your own”(1)

That picture above is my Dad with his Dad.  I imagine this was taken up off Dry Creek Road out of Oakville, in the 1950s,  since that was where my family had lived(I think one last member of the family is up there)for generations.

jess-and-oatieI write today because it has been five years, today, since my Dad died.  I was visiting with my dear friend Colleen yesterday, whose late husband, my dear friend Jerry, decided about a month and three years ago that he could no longer hang out here in this life.  Jerry was over 33 years sober when his suffering was too much.  A number of us, who were close to Jerry, were with him the night before.  Jerry’s suffering was manifested in what the culture calls “mental illness.” I dont call it that.

I call it suffering from those “very deep seated, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts,”(2) that persist below the level of consciousness. These conflicts can give our emotions violent twists which discolor our personalities and alter our lives for the worse. Though the harm we do others may not be great, the emotional harm we can do ourselves can alter our lives in ways that can be overwhelming.

tumblr_luxczfdocB1qzxyqfo1_400I write about Jerry and my Dad just to point out that society sees that there is something “wrong” with Jerry whereas they see no problem with the fact that my Dad died with emphysema, COPD, cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, had half his upper lip removed from smoking, had 3 bypasses and spent half of his last 3 months in a hospital.

All they offered Jerry was a lobotomy or institutionalization.  They threw everything at keeping my Dad alive

Since I am railing, Anti-Depressants are a fucking joke.  Jerry and the Fanatic and my friend Steve have tried a plethora of them and my observation is they have suffered and  CONTINUE to suffer more in the long run being on them than they have helped them.(I tried five of them and none of them worked so I stopped taking them and had to learn other ways to deal with my “depression”)

Dr. Gabor Mate has done tremendous work with heroin addicts in Vancouver BC.  He posits the theory, which I agree with,(after hearing many men tell their stories)that it is trauma which is the cause of our suffering being manifested in the ways they do/did for people like Jerry and my Dad.

America, stop traumatizing your children. We are traumatized so much that we continue to watch trauma being expressed and abuse being acted out in our culture and we call it “entertainment,” or news.  Its not.  It is a culture which profits off trauma and those who do dont give a fuck about those who they traumatize.

Peace and Love

(1) “Long Time Coming.” Bruce Springsteen

(2) A.A. 12 by 12, pg 79-80

123 SA, RW, Fanatic, Colleen, Ed, Kevin and Bretton.

People ask me why I almost always put the wolf and “pointy boy” at the end of a post.  They are the guardians of this blog.  They keep us safe and also remind us of how temporary this whole thing is.


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