This thing was not a interruption in my life. It was a brick wall that I could not climb over, slink under, go around or even bust through. Little did I realize that the only thing that would save me and I mean literally and metaphorically was to embrace it. Thomas Moore defines it as a “an unnamed urge that pushes you in a certain direction.”
So I was and am still faced with this dilemma. I want to be back in the high life as Steve Winwood would say. But I know that I was given this depression to learn how to do the Ggods work and help those who are suffering in ways I can only imagine. My dear friends Willem3655 and the Fanatic suffer in ways I can only imagine. I can hear them when they tell me their struggle but I cannot understand it based on experiences that are the same. I dont think I have suffered like they have.
But these relationships are the ones that are the ones that mean something to me. It is not that the other relationships in my life have less meaning. But I was talking about it in a “meeting,” last night. I truly believe that I was led to live in the area where the “Valley Fire,” went through to help those who have lost their houses to rebuild them. Just as I was led into depression to help those who suffer, mostly in silence, from a life sucking energy that cannot be overcome by will power alone. Because if it could have been, just ask my friends if I would have overcome it or not. Just like I could not stop drinking or drugging on my own, I cannot overcome depression on my own.
Jackson Browne says in “For A Dancer,” ” And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go may lie a reason you were alive but you’ll never know.” That is how life normally feels for me. Except for as Moore says, this force is “the force behind your tenacity of your yearning.” What I yearn for is to help heal from the emotional malaise we seem to have but consistently seem to ignore as a culture. If 30% of the people who helped write the big book’s stories committed suicide, there is a problem.*
And damn it, my friends who are the dearest thing to me, save one person, are suffering in ways that are incomprehensible to the “normal” person, but are suffering still the same.
This thing is called our Daimon. Hillman talks about it as does Moore and I am sure others. It is the thing that has led me down this path which I dont have a clue of where I am going. But it is here and it is real. The reason I trust that it is real is the statement by Moore where he say that it is “[t]he guidance offered by an inner wisdom, More an impulse then a thought.”
You see I was a content attorney getting rich in Marin and here I am about to move into an area where a fire devastated people’s lives and when I am up there, I know it is the place I am supposed to be.
123 RV, SA, HF, PH, PA, JO, Dwight, TL, TS, and Happy Birthday Cynthia!!!
All quotes from Thomas Moore’s book “A Life at Work.” * If you want to know how I see this condition read, D.H. Lawrence’s “The Healing.” It was the first post on this blog and remains the way I see the dis-ease we live with in this culture.