You see that is it. I want to live and love as if I am mature and I am not. So because I think I “must,” be mature or something is wrong with me, when I start to interact with others, it does not have to be women necessarily, I start to doubt that what I am and how I feel about life is valid.
“Loving in safety is the smaller part of loving.”(1)Yes this is bothering me. You see since I have this mother complex and these abandonment issues, I operate in the realm of my interactions with women based on trying to make it safe for myself. What usually happens for me is to love and live with one foot out the proverbial door at all times. This means I cant be present. Not for her even though that may be true eventually, but I am not present for me during the time when the relationship is a mystery and a sense of raw presence that is so damn uncomfortable.. I spend time allowing my mind to play all these silly gymnastics about situations that are not real and probably will never be.
This is what trauma does. It makes me steal my own vibrancy, my ability to wonder and more than anything my ability to be present. When a women I meet is interesting, I believe that I unconsciously start setting up the separation that has come about in every relationship.
You know all I want is for someone to know me. For a woman to take the chance and be open to me being real. With all my foibles, failures and successes. Someone to take the chance on me to show them that I am as loving and supportive a man as can be found. I am not saying that I am more loving and supportive, but I believe I treat people better than I ever have, and I believe I treat women with more of a sense of wonder and interest than I ever have.
“I would love to live like a river flows,…” “…carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.” You know when I used to go tubing down the Trinity ever summer, it was always a journey. I was present at what was happening in front of me, because if I didn’t stay present all kinds of harm could come to me. That is what life is still about at many levels
But unconsciously living out of fear is the worst thing I have ever done. My mind is not my best savior.
(1) James Hillman (2) John O’Donohoe
P.S. I know people can disagree with me. I expect and understand that. However doing some sort of therapy when talking about my writings is counter productive. What your opinion is about what I do is really none of my business . I appreciate your efforts to reach out to me. But if what you are going to say is how I am and what Im doing and what is working for me and could work for me, I respectfully request that you not post it on this site. Much of what I do is think about things, ideas, metaphors and their images. I share my idionsynchrocities with you as best as I can. Thanks all