I am sitting here watching Good Will Hunting. I didn’t plan on it, it just came about. As I am watching it, it comes to the scene with 16: 30 left in the movie and my internet disconnects. I live way out in the country and that is one of the facets of deep country living. The internet is not always available. Yes I am seeing a metaphor here, but more on that later.
The scene that the internet stops on is where Robin Williams is telling Matt Damon that it is not Matt Damon’s fault. Williams is talking about the abuse that Damon had inflicted on him when he was a boy. Damon is getting angry at Williams, and then breaks down and starts to let it out. I just break down, again, because at some level I still carry and believe that what happened to me, the violence and abuse, emotionally as well as psychologically, is at some unconscious level, my fault. Now I have done a ton of therapy, worked the steps in many different something “anonymous,” programs and still, to this day, that deep seated emotional conflict still has power over my life. It is absolutely fucked! I mean it is so fucked that if I had my way, I would do to them what they did to me.
But that is not to be. So I am looking for a way to help others who suffer from such a tortured perspective of life. I dont know how to get it out to others who suffer from such a state of dissociation that they live their lives in such an unconscious way that they basically just die to stay alive. Because I inhabit my little room and my little life and I really dont change. You see, I stay stuck in the world of my potential and that allows me to beat myself up a little bit more when I “realize,” that I am where I am.
Please understand that I am not being as self abusive as I can be when dealing with this kind of stuff. You see if I was really intent on abusing myself, I would not be writing this for all to see.
What I suffer with manifests as depression. But it really is a disconnect from my emotional and I believe at the level I cannot understand nor fathom, my spiritual self. The trauma that Gabor Mate and Laura Kerr and Monica Cassani talk about much better than I can is what I suffer from and with.
This whole writing seems like a pedantic, whiny, self flagellation. It seems that I could be helping someone more by serving them coffee at a “meeting,” or something else similar. But the fact is here I am.
I am crying, again, because I connect to Matt Damon and even Robin Williams’ character in the movie. I cry because my friends and family suffer from this. I cry because I gave this same shame to my daughter.
I pray to the Ggods that I find the strength to help those who suffer from this kind of trauma. It is a real shitty place to exist in.
123 RW, PA, JZ, SA, JJ, JM, RV, JEW, and JW!
(I just read an article that tempers that hope. http://www.techinsider.io/nimh-new-psychotherapy-initiative-2015-7 )
Quote from Frank Underwood (aka Kevin Spacey) House of Cards