“…as different from the ego and its life–a consciousness that obeys its own laws of metaphorical enactment in intimate relation with death.”This time of metaphorical metamorphosis is so strange and yes, difficult. I get compliments from my friends who see me doing things and I cant make sense of them when I compare them to what I think and how I feel. I feel angry and yet empty at the same time. This is not a constant occurrence or state of mind, yet there is a melancholy mixed with an underlying frustration that exists in a lot of time I am here lately. I think that is one of the reasons I have not written in such a long time. I am in a place where I have tremendous sadness a lot and also seething energy that is just busting to get out. I always want to project it onto those who question why I am the way I am. Judges and friends are the two entities who I think I project it on or projected it onto the most in my life. ( I am sure I am leaving out significant others, but that is another post!)
“There may well be more psychopathology actually going on while transcending than while being immersed in pathologizing.”I tell you it feels like I have never been in worse shape emotionally and psychologically at this moment in time. I am listening to some wonderful old Marshall Tucker with my headphones on and wanting the music to drown out my thoughts. My thoughts seem like they are almost demonic. I am not saying that I feel possessed or anything like that, it is just now when the depression takes a hold, like it has today,(yesterday was a great day) it feels like the roost that I have never left. It feels like the groove of forever and yesterday was just this momentary respite from the trudgery and drudgery that is depression.
I was talking with my good friend today and it became clear to me that he and I have this timelessness of the despair of depression. It is like the days dont matter that were more, or should I say, less oppressive than what seems like the normal day of quiet and empty, that feeling and gnawing presence of hopeless despair.
But I refuse to give in or up. I am working through the psychic pain that is the underlying root of my depression. Notice that I did not say of depression. Because if there is one thing I have learned in this journey of the last five years, it is that I have no clue about the cause of anyone else’s mental(that is the medical/industrial/pharmaceutical complex’s word for it, not mine)health issues.
Thanks to the Ggods for James Hillman, the Fanatic, Willem3655, Renee and all of the other people who truly give a shit about what is happening to me and existentially the world.
Thank you Robin for being so willing to dance with your pain and your shame and use that energy to make the world a better place. You certainly made mine better, even if you did buy my Great Uncle’s ranch before I was able to!
All quotes from James Hillman
The picture of the sunset, the trout in the stream and the wolf came from this wonderful lady’s blog. http://fynyth.blogspot.com Check it out.