Lately I feel like what I perceived Olive Oyl to embody as a cartoon character. I’m fumbling around, so uncertain, mumbling and often lost. I look to other(s) to lead me in the right direction. Rescue me from myself. It’s been a long time, so forgive me if Olive is something different for you.
I’m not full of innocence. But I will claim confusion. I feel like I’m a cross between miss Olive Oyl and the Incredible Hulk. I only personify his rage, not his strength. Can you picture the step by step transformation from man to green beast? In the last few weeks I have felt my body swell with anger, rage and hate on too many occasions. Literally starting in my toes working its way up til I say things I later regret. Think and plan things that disturb me. I am an inherently kind person. I call my husband over to usher out the spider, I don’t stomp on him in fear. However, I feel the kind fanatic slipping away. Sure, I will still appear kind to you. But deep inside something is changing in me and I don’t like it. Don’t understand it. Am somewhat afraid of it.
It’s okay to be an advocate or an activist. To want to stand up for what you believe in, finally make your voice heard. It’s okay to gather knowledge and process it into your life. It’s okay to no longer want to be a wallflower. There are so many things in this world that are unjust. So many people who are racists and bigots and closed minded will cross my path. It’s okay to have feelings around these scenarios. It says I’m human. But! But, when those feelings creep around my mind and turn evil and destructive it’s no longer okay.
I feel like fanatic and Hyde. I have this hateful alter ego lurking around that conjures up ways to commit bodily harm to others. A typical fanatic day is filled with self hatred and self injury. The door is swinging the other way in dramatic fashion. It’s bizarre. I’ve never really felt this way before, had these kinds of thoughts before. The intensity was high yesterday. Uncomfortable.
Honestly, I’m not really sure what to do. I want nothing more than to navigate the world in a kind, honest and sincere manner. I’m a little tired of feeling unsafe. I’m a good person. I really am. I just have evil thoughts that try to take over. Quite frankly, it just makes me sad….and really fucking mad.