Faith of Fanatic

10583817_827183823988488_7096944561490260692_n I am losing faith in mankind. I just don’t understand this world sometimes. Not only my purpose in it, but how to live alongside ignorant, mean spirited, greedy people. Granted I am only hearing what the media throws at me, which of course is tainted with their spin. Unfortunately, I have also experienced this ignorance first hand lately.  I’m more than willing to testify that my mood often dictates my reaction. This morning driving to a work event I really wanted to blow the world up. I was agitated and irritated and wanted nothing to do with nobody. I was angry at you and you and you.
I was angry at the police officer in Texas who threw a young girl around 10171639_848806071803122_213436708196433507_nin a bikini and then sat on her for several minutes even though she appeared calm.  I was angry at Billy Graham’s son for carrying on about same sex marriage spawned by what I considered a beautiful commercial involving adoption. I was angry at neighbors in an affluent area screaming NIMBYism at the mere thought of someone “different” moving into a house on their street. I was angry at….
Oh the injustice of it all.  People shouldn’t post pictures of themselves on facebook anymore marking an accomplishment such as running a marathon, or completing their first cross fit class. Should they do so, and gasp, more than once, they risk being deemed a narcissist. Really? Does a Facebook post really warrant pathology.  I’m not pro Facebook, but neither am I anti.  I see how it affects me sometimes and then it’s up to me to limit my relationship with good ol FB. I see my mother enjoy ?????????????????????????????????????????pictures of her grandkids who live across the country. To each his own.
I used to be that person. I was very heavily involved in competitive tennis as well as an outside bootcamp fitness program. Many times I would come home from a killer workout and want to shout to the rooftops how good I felt.  How great it was to start the day at 5:30 am with a sweat session. Then I would end the day with a tennis session.  I try to think back now, why did I feel compelled to post about these “accomplishments.” Why did I want/need others to know? I THINK it was innocent. I don’t remember counting the likes I did or didn’t get. It was pure joy I wanted to express.  I was feeling good and wanted to share. I never really thought how it might affect someone else. Say someone with depression or bipolar who couldn’t get off the couch but so desperately wanted too. I didn’t consider whoever may be reading it could be put off by me. Hmmmm. But nonetheless, does that make me a narcissist?
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Even more interesting, or maybe not, is I never post at this stage of my life. Since I relapsed on alcohol and fell into suicidal depression, later to be diagnosed bipolar, I hide away. It seems more now than any other time I need to shout something and I am mum.  I am angry and I say nothing. I get worked up about things and I bottle it deep. I get excited about very few things anymore and that too is held hostage.  Really. Honestly. I just don’t think anyone cares what I have to say. Why bother.
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This is where I am, vacillating between wanting to blow up the world and why bother.  Neither really affects change.  Neither makes me feel good.  Remember I mentioned I was on the way to a work event when this thought process started. Well let me fill you in. I work in social services. Specifically with clients who have developmental disabilities. Today I had the privilege of talking with scared and disillusioned parents on how their son or daughter can live amaryllissafely in the community.  I educated them on resources, heard and acknowledged their fear of putting their beloved child into the arms of another for care and supervision, offered them hope.  Me. I did that.  I looked them in the eye and understood their vulnerability.  I didn’t tell them what they should do. I didn’t make false promises. I just opened my mouth and shared information.
blue-mask-matt-marquezI don’t necessarily have to carry a message about alcoholism or mental health, as I somehow thinking do. I don’t have to shout things or long for a platform. I don’t have to prove anything. I just need to be me. I was as authentic and pure as I can hope to be today.  As a member of mankind, my faith is rekindling.

123 RV, BC, PH, JM, RW, PA, SA

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2 thoughts on “Faith of Fanatic

  1. what a beautiful post. i too, struggle with finding joy in the world. happiness seems to be so hard to find.

    sometimes happiness is right under or nose and we overlook it.i hearing your story about the family you helped, i heard the voice of satisfaction or, dare i say, happiness. keep looking, as will i, because sometimes we hide happiness from ourselves.

  2. When I get frantic because I cracked my ribs or my parked car was totaled by someone who hit and ran in the dead of night, or it hasn’t rained in a long,long, long time, I look at my California native plants and jacaranda tree in the front yard, or listen to my favorite songs, or go out to breakfast with a dear friend, and I am smiling again. It is the simple resources that most heal.

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