Fanatic’s Brake

night-owl  I feel so broken. So disconnected. So ineffective. It bleeds into my career, my personal life, my person. I have lost my footing. My confidence shattered. My last episode really frightened me to my core. I am not the same.  I am so very afraid. Afraid of making the wrong food choice, picking the wrong TV show, looking you in the eye, drafting an email at work. It’s multidimensional. From minutiae to global. It feels too painful to stay alive and pretend to be participating in the world. I’m a bystander. A wallflower at best walking sluk-danceraround in a haze. I can’t pinpoint how I feel. I feel everything and nothing.  The music is too loud, yet not loud enough. The voices are a bully, yet keep me company. I have a desire to die, but can’t pull the trigger. I envision myself just walking away from my life, like on a movie set when the hero walks away from the final blow up scene.  Walk into the distance and never look back. Yet, I can barely leave my house.  If I’m walking anywhere it’s in circles. I’ve returned to work on a part time basis. I didn’t realize just how off my game I would be. I can’t remember anything my supervisor says, can’t follow when she gives me directions to complete a task, quickly become disorganized in my head and snowyget overwhelmed. I’m a bundle of professionalism. I arrived late today after I had a meltdown in my bathroom.  I refused to call in sick. I demanded I get myself together for my 4 hour day. 4 fucking hours, that’s all.  She came to my office and asked a question. I had been there for about 5 minutes tops.  I in turn went to her office to discuss a project, her first question to me was whether I needed to go home. My temperature rose, and shame filled my body. I asked her if I looked like hell? staring-ethiopian-girlsShe gently responded she could tell by my eyes I was struggling. She was trying to do me a favor, let me off the hook. Just 2 months ago I didn’t need a hook. Well, maybe I did to reel me in. I was moving fast, and in charge of several projects. Now. Now I feel useless and no longer capable. She has taken over my projects. I find that very frustrating. My husband reminded me I am still recovering.  If I just had pneumonia I probably wouldn’t be trying to run. I’d be recovering.  Yeah. Yeah. I hate analogies sometimes!  They are so easy to throw out when you are not going through it.  He is also trying to do me a favor, let me off the hook. siblings-love-ajaytaoSo, it’s all me. What is it going to take to give myself a break. Extend myself some self compassion while I “recover.”  Always, always it goes back to acceptance.  Gee Fanatic you have bipolar disorder. This is not your first rodeo. This is not your first return to work experience.  I’ve been thrown off the horse before and will again.  It’s probably best to start gathering tools now. If I want to be my best self, I have to help myself first.

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5 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Brake

  1. You sound like me. I send you live and healing. I am having real trouble handling things and I am on disability so there’s no excuse. Going out of the house is torture, high anxiety! Do not blame yourself. You’re doing the best you can. You may need to recuperate for the rest of your life and there is no shame in that! Give yourself a break. Bipolar (me Bipolar, too) is a major mental illness. Don’t let it be fatal!!!!
    {{{hugs}}}, Ellen

  2. Please continue to inspire me. You try so hard and never give up. Jim and I have been friends since HS so I have read your posts with empathy and concern. Last year my 19 year old twin boys were diagnosed with BP disorder. With his support I am helping them look at this as not the end of their lives but a different road. I have hope and when I read about the support you get from your husband and friends I have hope too. You are so worth it Fanatic. I love you and we’ve never met. Please take care and reach out! People care! Renee

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