“…the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort.”(1) This is where I have been struggling for the last six months. I thought I had done the work that needed to be done to get to the point where I can actually not have to be governed by the shame. But now, in hindsight, I feel like I have done nothing.
I know that is a little over the top but that is how I am feeling. I am very fearful of the parts of me that are right below the level of my consciousness. They are very dark and I am in fear that I will be overwhelmed by them. I think that is why I have been in the depths of the depression I am in.
For example, I went to my favorite “meeting,” this morning. I felt so disconnected from all of the men who were there. I felt so depressed that I could not or more truthfully, would not speak out of shame.I hate that I live in a place where those who live there are in the depths of a depression
“To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge.” (1) I am afraid of those parts of me…Those parts of me that are homicidal. Those parts of me that are weak and vulnerable.
There is nothing more scary to me that actually trying to be me. I have always been identified by the things I did as being who I am. I know that this makes little sense to others, but it is where I am in the moment.
I was reviewing the ACE test again yesterday. The one where I scored 100% and am burdened by that.
“There is no form of human tragedy that does not in some measure proceed from [the] conflict between the ego and the unconscious.”(2) This conflict, that part of me that “I could not run from any more,” sucks!
The life that I was forced to live, that life of abuse and decay and fear, was not something that I chose. But here I am. I am getting to deal with those aspects of my Self that I did not learn to deal with earlier in life. There is a part of me that knew that I would have to deal with those parts of me sooner or later. I am hopefully strong enough to deal with them now. I dont feel like I am. I just hold out faith that I can.
(1)Carl Jung; Aion; CW 9; Part II; Page 14.
(2)[“Analytical Psychology and Weltanschauung,” CW 8, par. 706.]