Fanatic Finale

 small-beautiful-flower-ajaytao  Well well. Fresh out of the hospital. Extra skip in my step. Smile on my face. A belly laugh or two. Drink as much caffeinated coffee as I want. Stare into the beauty of my sunflowers. Cuddle my cats. Back to feeling like the Fanatic of old. Yet, I’m still holding my breath. I have to consciously exhale.

I think the episode I just went through was the worst so far. Hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, persecution from God. Holding a knife with shaking hands believing I needed to protect myself. Falling into my husbands arms thespesia-lampas-ban-kapas-ajaytao-1-1by the weight of fear and sobs. I was completely out of control. Not knowing if it was better to live or die.
With a cracking and fragile voice I called my dear friend and uttered the words..will you take me to the emergency room. I was so full of shame as I hung up. Of course he said yes. I frantically packed a bag knowing, maybe even hoping, I would be held for my safety.  When he arrived I think the first thing I said was sorry.  I couldn’t speak for several minutes wondering if I could jump out of the car.  I tried to hold back tears but could not. Funny thing is my friend has seen me cry on his couch for 10470952_10203502537177712_1704797797383907620_ohours at a time. But each time I could get up and go home. This time was different.  I wasn’t going home. I could no longer get up on my own.
Settling in to a hospital is impossible. It’s noisy. It’s busy. Sometimes scary.  But it’s safe. No one unwanted allowed in..period. It took a day or 2 for my symptoms to begin to subside. Medication change, pacing the halls, groups, pacing the halls, tears on tile. Grateful for fresh air.  Taking a shower is a big deal. Psych interns constantly asking how you bout now…any different…can you share what brought you here.
First day I can’t hear anything. Can’t talk. Can’t sleep. Can’t eat. Full of fear.  Second day I say hi to staff only, eat a little more, go outside, go to the gym. Third day I attend a group or two, say hello to a few other clients, wash my hair, still can’t sleep. Fourth day I share my story, I look people in the eye, notice the clouds, sit in main room and watch baseball with the guys. Day number five I once again pack a bag. I’m going home.
sunset-with-coconut-leaves-ajaytao1While I was there it was my 11 year wedding anniversary. My husband had to visit me in a psych hospital. My shame was rising as I counted the minutes before the visit.  I had to call my parents who are not emotionally available and don’t understand bipolar disorder.  My mother told me I should be home as it was my anniversary. I choked on my shame.  The card my husband brought me was beautiful. What he wrote inside was perfect. HE understands me. HE is emotionally available. I am always worried he is going to pack a bag and walk out of our home. The simple phrase..I’m not going anywhere, there’s no place I’d rather be in his handwriting. I held is hand so tight as we sat in a sterile room in the hospital.  sunset-solarized-ajaytao1We didn’t need a fancy dinner, or fancy glass of wine to celebrate. We had a closeness in that moment that filled me up. I was already home.



2 thoughts on “Fanatic Finale

  1. i honor you for understanding that you needed help. i honor you for reaching out to a friend for help. i honor you for taking that scary trip to the hospital. You have shown such courage and strength. your healthy actions inspire me to do better on my recovery journey.

    Then, at the end, you almost had me in tears. hold onto that guy; he’s a keeper. people who “get it” are like are rare jewel. keep him in your pocket and never let go.

  2. So very glad you are safe and sound, especially like the way you are showing joy in your motions and hope the emotions continue to be on the upswing for you. Hugs, Robin

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