I have always said that the thing I would like to be is conscious. Nothing more. I have known and still know that I am not conscious more than I am conscious. What I am learning is that my depression is nothing more than my unconscious interfering with my ability to be conscious. At first it was necessary for me to become neurotic. Not to consciously become neurotic, since my nature is not to be neurotic. But to continue to have to rely on the unconscious to protect me from the overwhelm that was my conscious life. Why does not matter. Because why is just being aware of, making conscious, the nature of the overwhelm.
“Conflict is a hallmark of neurosis, but conflict is not invariably neurotic.” I think that most people only have a few of those “deep seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of their consciousness.” That is not how my life has progressed. The problem that is created by all of those deep seated emotional conflicts is that they compound and pile up on top of each other and pretty soon I dont have an idea of what is real and what is neurotic. That is the problem.
“Some degree of conflict is even desirable since without some tension between opposites the developmental process is inhibited.” I am in conflict with a person right now. When the conflict arises, my complexes get triggered. My mother conflict mostly. But what happens is I start to become that guy who just wants to wall off the world, and in that moment it is the person I am in conflict with. Because if I cant resolve that conflict, I revert back to the neurotic way of viewing the world that I have carried around with me all of these years. It sucks.
“Conflict engenders fire, the fire of affects and emotions, and like every other fire it has two aspects, that of combustion and that of creating light.” This is what I am holding onto. The fire of the conflict is there, present. I remember one point last night saying to myself, this is an opportunity for me to work through my complex and get better. Not for the relationship, but for my Self.