Fanatic’s Friend

Mt._St._Helena_lg     When that door closed this morning, he on the outside into the world, and me on the inside alone I began to cry.  Fear.  Typically I would be getting ready for work, but I’m off work now. I can’t maintain at a professional capacity.  I tried for as long as I could to hide it, push through. Depression came for me like a vengeance and pinned me down. In my therapists office it all came pouring out through tears, confusion, pain and fear.  I was prepared to end my life. I had the tools. I had my plan.
Earlier in the week a man was standing on a bridge in a town very close to me. I found out about it via Facebook.  I proceeded to read ripples-blue-pretend-smelling-ultimatelythe comments. The Beliefs, the ignorance, the hate in their words was so very upsetting. In fact I became very distraught. I felt like I was that man. I too had stood on a bridge. The stigma that was being perpetuated was appalling. They said things such as he deserved to die, he was incredibly selfish, his family is better off without him. I thought if he didn’t deserve to live neither did I. If people felt he didn’t belong in this world for having a mental illness neither did I.
My husband was out of town during this time so I was left alone with my thoughts. I have pushed people away so I don’t have any friends. I didn’t feel like I could call anyone as this scenario wouldn’t make sense to anyone else.  I just sat by myself in my home crying for this man I didn’t know and for myself.  Honestly, the spiral had already poaceae-lawn-drop-greenstarted but this really pushed me over the edge.
Three days later, in my therapists office she voiced her concern that I may need the hospital. At the very least she wanted to call my husband, who was back from his trip, to let him know the severity of the situation. I had, as usual, kept all this from him.  He was, as usual, very frustrated at being blindsided by all this. Frustrated his wife does not let him in until things blow ladtjovagge-valley-laplandup and he is left to wonder what happened.  You know, I can expand upon his frustrations and what happened when I arrived home. But really I want to share how much he truly does support me when I let him.
All through the weekend I had bouts of despairing sobs sometimes out of nowhere. He had to pick me up off the bathroom floor as I was so overcome I just crumpled. He gave me the tightest hug and walked me to the couch. He let me cry as much as I needed to. He was just there reminding me he loved me.
At 3am on Sunday morning I shot up in bed as I thought I heard the demons coming for me. I tried to get out from underneath the covers repeating I need to prepare, they are coming I need to prepare. He pulled me into his arms and whispered no one was coming. It was just me and him. Again I just cried and cried.  Later that same day we were outside 630431gardening. I had headphones on trying to ease my mind.  Suddenly the music stopped and I heard we are coming, then music for a minute, then it stopped again and I heard we are here. I tore into the house to the kitchen and grabbed our biggest knife. I was going to protect myself. He was on my heels into the kitchen and begged me to put down the knife. I gave it to him and he once again held me tight and talked me down.
We missed a concert we had already paid for, we missed visiting an old friend which was the plan for Saturday, we had to stay close to home because I was so unstable.  It may not sound like a big deal to you, but it’s such a reminder how much ladybug-holds-dandelion-seed-hoang-hiep-nguyenbipolar disorder can affect my life. I guess it’s no different than having the flu and needing to stay home. But to me, it is a big deal. It weighs on me.  Just like now I am not fit to work, someone else has to pick up my slack because I can’t keep it together.
My husband really saved me this weekend. I probably should have been in the hospital. But he held my hand and walked me through. No hospital setting can do that.

night-owl

One thought on “Fanatic’s Friend

  1. i can see how scary your current situation is. it’s okay to be frightened. I surely would be. that doesn’t make you any less of a daughter, friend or wife. that’s one thing your husband says with his hugs. he saying, “you are in a crappy place. i know. i don’t care. i love you and i am here for you. feel the love i have for you and find some comfort.” sometimes that’s just what people with depression need, to know they cared for, that they are loved even in our times of deepest despair.

    I hate offering up suggestions, because that may not be what you want or need since you are simply expressing were you are, but i am going to, anyway. when your husband gets home, initiate a hug, that’s all you need to do. it can be a way of saying thanks, and if you can offer him some praise for the handling of the current situation, that will make the expression all the stronger.

    know that i care about. know that you deserve comfort and love.

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