I am a sensitive creature, always have been. I am very cognizant of your feelings and your unique situation. I often worry how you are doing. I am more than willing to go the extra mile for you. I care deeply. I think about you, the real you, often.
I have very few friends. Even fewer who know about my bipolar disorder. Even fewer I can be completely honest with about my moods, confusion about life or desire to die. While I am not completely alone, I feel so very alone. I am rebuilding my wall so I won’t feel hurt and rejected by others. I don’t understand people sometimes and that’s okay. I don’t understand myself either. That doesn’t feel okay.
I’ve lost sight of how I fit into friendships. I often question if how I feel is appropriate to the situation. I tend to think my feelings are wrong and then beat myself up for it. I have no trust in my authenticity. In fact, I often try to retract my response to someone because I over analyze and determine I was out of line. In essence I apologize for having thoughts about something. It’s becoming out of control. My solution then is to script my conversation ahead of time. Can you see how much energy I’m expending because I don’t feel worthy and have no belief in myself.
I have a friend who I have known for 10 plus years. We’ve had an on again off again type of relationship. We have a lot in common. She accepts me for who I am. But, she can also be quite self centered. We live an hour away from each other. Because she is my friend and I enjoy spending time w her I am willing to go to her. She is not willing to come to me. Lately this is really hitting a button, namely feeling like I am not worthy of her time and effort to travel an hour to hang out. She has all kinds of reasons, rather excuses, of why it’s not feasible. This was all aired during a hike and then a week later at dinner. I want to spare the drama and focus on how this is affecting me.
I was very upset the following day after the dinner blow up. I was overwhelmed w conflicting feelings and confused as to how I was supposed to feel. I am a fair person and can weigh both sides, but it just seemed glaring that I wasn’t being treated fairly. Yet I was so disorganized in my thinking I couldn’t convince myself. I talked to my dear friend who is neutral. He listened patiently as I told my tale spinning faster and faster. He simply suggested I had to decide how much I was willing to give. Is this friendship worth me always being the one that goes to her, meets on her terms. At that moment, broken down in that fashion I just didn’t know.
I am an Air Force brat and had to walk away from many friendships as a kid. This was always very painful as I’m quite shy and it took me a long time to nurture friendships in the first place. There was never any guidance or hand holding by my parents as I was told to get in the car and we would drive away. I was always worried I would never find a friend again. And even worse I began to think why bother as I was just going to have to say goodbye again and again.
Maybe walking away should be easy by now, but it absolutely is not. I crave connection and it is so very hard for me at the same time. I just want to feel loved and be loved. I want to feel I deserve that. I still don’t know what to do about my friend. I have shed quite a few tears. However I am realizing it’s much bigger than she and I. I am really hurting and don’t know what to do. Frozen in despair. Always questioning my place in the world, macro and micro. Am I truly worth someone’s time and effort. Is it worth it to continue to fight my demons. Can I wade through the chaos and confusion that is my mind. Does any of this really matter?