Fanatical Mess

  10671220_10154590625980694_4020566138315393272_nI stared at it for a very long time. Closed my eyes and relished the taste. I picked it up. Put it down. Picked it up. Put it down. Third time I held it in my hand and carefully placed it in my basket.  Walking around the store nonchalantly as the battle in my head was growing louder.  A debate really.  Do it. Don’t do it. You have 2 years. You deserve relief. This will surely kill you. Is that a bad thing?
10349157_10204471369565137_6707722759914875666_nUp and down the aisles I pace for 20 minutes. Visual thoughts, like snippets from a movie play out. Scenes of me attempting suicide. The beast of Bipolar meets the beast of alcoholism face to face in the grocery store. Both feeding me lies to get their needs met. Both forever on my coat tails. Drinking alcohol in this state of mind is like assisted suicide. But today, I’ll take what I can get. Desperation at its core.
I have paced these aisles before with bottle in hand making sure no one from AA was around. Obviously during a relapse. If I did see someone I blues-vadim-shtrik1would put my basket down and quickly exit the store and go somewhere else. Finally I got the brilliant idea to buy out of town as I travel for work, sometimes on a daily basis. But that was 2 yrs and 3 months ago.  Today I am risking my life for a swig of vodka.
The emotional pain is undeniable, yet I deny it everyday.  My truth is not being heard because I don’t know how to express it. Shame holds me captive. Strong feelings and emotional reactions confuse me. I spin and spin wondering if how I feel is appropriate. Is it rational. Is it just. A friend once said to me any feeling I ever have regardless of the situation is okay, because they are mine. Great theory I cannot seem to implement.
8-10-13-rose-jpegFor example I was at the gas station and a man in a oversized truck wanted the same stall I was pulling into. As I was backing up to get closer to the tank he moved forward towards me. I assumed he was doing the same thing. Turns out he moved to block me from lining up to the pump. I stared at him and threw my hands up and he did the same. I was yelling at him from inside my car.  Finally I mouthed what are you doing. He pointed at the 10633331_10152624694602978_8948054382377946607_opump and shrugged his shoulders. I was so angry. I backed up and moved to the next pump over.  I started to get gas and proceeded to march over to him and started yelling. I told him how fucking lucky he was to be queen bee and own the place, among other things. In essence lost my mind. I was shaking. Got in my car and broke down.  I pulled over and called a friend which was a huge step, but I couldn’t talk to him. I told him I am a ticking time bomb. I hung up quickly and cried.  When my husband called I told him and he congratulated me. He said it’s okay to get angry over such an event. I just felt out of control. I don’t want to act that way. It’s confusing.
sunset-with-coconut-leaves-ajaytao1My desire to drink to rid myself of pain, to stop the spinning, to make that final jump off the bridge is the highest it’s been in 2 years.  In some sick way, my mind is thinking if I drink my husband will leave me (as he has declared he would) then it won’t hurt him as much when I’m gone. I am one messed up fanatic.

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One thought on “Fanatical Mess

  1. I got high/drunk every day for 35 years. Clean and sober 13 years Mar 3. I’m too busy doing things I like to start again but last 3 days have been a serious depression low. I know it will pass in two days or so. There is a secret to getting time. You have to get time. I like myself better now and so does everyone else. Good things cannot happen to us unless we are available to receive them and they can be embraced only when clean. Each of us face our unique challenge but if you’ve been to meeting one learn we are not unique at all. Besides, once you’ve attended meetings for a while, well, it kinda ruins enjoying getting high forever. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Thanks support my blog. I hope the cartoons bring a chuckle into your life now and then.

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