On my way to work, music down low thinking of my schedule for the day. I feel hot air on my neck. In the mirror I see the devil in my back seat. He is chanting join me in hell. He was so nonchalant with his invitation. Hot slimy breath giving me chills. I could not pull over for several minutes. I tried to stay calm as I wasn’t sure of his game, his end game. We did not engage in conversation as he only invited me to his world. As soon as I could I pulled over and called my husband. I was beyond scared. Beyond freaked out. I could barely form words at first. I’m not sure if I yelled into the phone or not. My husband suggested this was not a real scenario, only my mind playing tricks. Now I yelled into the phone that I could feel his breath, hear his words. My loving husband tried to explain it was all in my mind. He gave me real life examples of his mind playing tricks on him that I have witnessed. But he was not in my car with me.
He talked to me all the way to my office. When I got out of the car I noticed things were moved where the devil sat. I don’t necessarily have a clear picture of him. It was a dark outline..that’s not the right word. Dark image. Large dark image with a bodily shape. Dark black eyes. The voice. It was more like a whisper as he was leaning forward. But no doubt masculine. Join me in hell. Join me in hell. Never have I felt so alone and powerless in these few minutes.
It seems, if you look at the last 2 weeks, the intensity rises. At first I could hear people’s thoughts as I passed them by, or at my office, calling me a liar and a fraud. I then heard voices telling me I must die in the middle of the night and the next day through the walls. My paranoia looms large in all this chaos. Then the devil beckons me to join him. I am arguing these are all signs I am not supposed to be here. Add them up! Clearly my presence is not necessary or wanted. These are all powerful indicators directed solely at me.
These past 2 weeks I have tried to go to work despite what I am feeling or experiencing. Partly to stay busy and partly not to be home alone. I stayed home today as I couldn’t get out of bed on time. Harmful thoughts swirl around. What if I beat the devil in his game. What if I take control. A rope and a ladder could end all this fear and paranoia right now. I cannot handle another visit. I can’t explain how scared I am. How vulnerable I feel. He has a leg up because I can’t tell anyone this. I can’t reveal I saw the devil, felt his breath. No one would believe and they would think I am crazy. He knew all this. Where does this leave me?
123 RV, SA, JW!