Fanatic’s Satanic (Trigger Warning!)

lx-but-thap-pgoda-thomas-jeppesen-3On my way to work, music down low thinking of my schedule for the day. I feel hot air on my neck. In the mirror I see the devil in my back seat. He is chanting join me in hell. He was so nonchalant with his invitation. Hot slimy breath giving me chills. I could not pull over for several minutes. I tried to stay calm as I wasn’t sure of his game, his end game.  death-of-mental-illnessWe did not engage in conversation as he only invited me to his world.  As soon as I could I pulled over and called my husband. I was beyond scared. Beyond freaked out. I could barely form words at first. I’m not sure if I yelled into the phone or not. My husband suggested this was not a real scenario, only my mind playing tricks. Now I yelled into the phone that I could feel his breath, hear his words.  My loving husband tried to explain it was all in my mind. He gave me real life examples of his mind playing tricks on him that I have img_03831witnessed. But he was not in my car with me.
He talked to me all the way to my office. When I got out of the car I noticed things were moved where the devil sat. I don’t necessarily have a clear picture of him. It was a dark outline..that’s not the right word. Dark image. Large dark image with a bodily shape. Dark black eyes. The voice. It was more like a whisper as he was leaning forward. But no doubt masculine.  Join me in hell. Join me in hell. Never have I felt 10312474_785985181440900_5662887777018086031_nso alone and powerless in these few minutes.
It seems, if you look at the last 2 weeks, the intensity rises. At first I could hear people’s thoughts as I passed them by, or at my office, calling me a liar and a fraud. I then heard voices telling me I must die in the middle of the night and the next day through the walls. My paranoia looms large in all this chaos.  Then the devil beckons me to join him.  I am arguing these are all signs I 20140708-182105-66065695.jpgam not supposed to be here. Add them up! Clearly my presence is not necessary or wanted. These are all powerful indicators directed solely at me.
These past 2 weeks I have tried to go to work despite what I am feeling or experiencing. Partly to stay busy and partly not to be home alone. I stayed home today as I couldn’t get out of bed on time.  Harmful thoughts swirl around. What if I beat the devil in his game. Inside OrionWhat if I take control. A rope and a ladder could end all this fear and paranoia right now. I cannot handle another visit.  I can’t explain how scared I am. How vulnerable I feel. He has a leg up because I can’t tell anyone this. I can’t reveal I saw the devil, felt his breath. No one would believe and they would think I am crazy.  He knew all20140708-181112-65472561.jpg this. Where does this leave me?

123 RV, SA, JW!

wolf yosemite




7 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Satanic (Trigger Warning!)

    • BB,
      I was just writing on diahannreyes site and saw your comment. I would respond by saying that it is only when our secrets are not our secrets do they lose the powerful hold they have on us. It is easier said than done when it comes to ‘mental” health issues. When we read what people think about it, in the mainstream culture, we then become selective about where and when we say our truths.
      It is awesome that you are able to write about the issues that you write about and I think 40 or 50 years ago, the prejudice would have been similar to what stigma faces those with “mental health,” issues today.
      Thanks for contributing to this discussion

    • It helps a little to get it out there. I was worried it was too much to share. It is not less scary. I am quite disturbed. It brings me to tears.
      Thanks for your comment.

  1. I do not always suggest for people to speak to a psychiatrist. I am afraid that they tend to be too clinical and not much like a friend. But this seems like a psychotic episode that might go away with some kind of medication. The psychiatrists are not good for everything, but they can prescribe medication that can put these kinds of visions to a dull roar.

    The reason that I am concerned for you to speak to someone in the psychiatric field about what happened to you, is that you seem to be thinking of ending the pain and fear, through suicide.
    Suicidal thoughts are nothing to play games with and you should seek help from a mental health person.

    I hate offering advice to people. It is most often not helpful. But none of us want to see anything bad happen to you. The doctors can only help, if they are aware of what is going on with you.

    If it is hard to talk about to them, you can just bring a copy of this post with you. It is an excellent description of what you experienced and will give them a really good idea of what your brain is doing. My doctor advised me to write out my thoughts and feelings for a psychiatrist because I told her that I express myself better in writing. I will become confused and fearful, if I have to talk to a psychiatrist verbally. Her idea was to begin by giving him the writing.

    I know that the devil seemed very real to you, but that is exactly what psychotic episodes do. It is a severe chemical issue involving the neurons on the brain itself. It is extremely dangerous.

    Blessings to you for peace of mind,

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