“One must never look to the things that ought to change.”

img_03831 I know that so often I want to write from the position that my dear friend calls the “brainiac,” position.  I have always used that position as a tool to keep my feelings of helplessness and hopelessness from being so dominant.  Today I cant do that.  I am sitting here and I am in the place of not knowing much about life. Listening to a very dear man in my life talk about suicide and sensing that despair today myself, I am faced with that tension again of dealing with that energy that spring-roadI carry that negates and can destroy a part of me that if it is destroyed, I want out of here also.

“I woke up this morning to an empty sky.” (1)  I dont like to own that this is the place where I am because when I do, I fear that all who I have in my life will leave. It is that simple.

I am going to write about something that has facilitated this journey into this complex PTSD that I carry.  A few years ago I was accused of doing springsomething that has made it so it is difficult for me to even live in the world.  The events of a few years ago triggered me into going into a place where much of life feels like a fog and as a friend of mine said the other day, “I feel like I am walking around asleep.”   So much of life has been like that.  I have missed and still miss so often that vitality that you see in a child, or a person who is living out of that authentic self.

snowy-egret” I’m waiting, waiting on a sunny day, it’s gonna chase the clouds away.”(2)  I was listening to a woman speak this morning on a show I listen to a lot and she was talking about the thing we lose that if we do, it doesnt matter what happens to us.  Nothing is going to make life any better if I feel this and that is a really sad place to be.  That thing is hope.

snowy“The main question is how we change ourselves”  I am sitting here and looking around the blog and noticing that it is almost all women who “like” the posts and comment.  I am not saying that men dont follow the blog because there are some wonderful men who acknowledge that there is a connection to the issues written about here.  But men dont talk about this shit.  I dont blame them, because the last place a man wants to be seen is having fallen down and is struggling.   That was why  the book “I Dont Want to Talk About It,” was so life changing for me.  For once men and depression was talked stevehanksart10about and I could connect to the dis-ease that others felt and were living with and through.

What really is the issue, for me and I suspect many others, is the violence perpetrated on us as boys.  It was “normal,” and accepted to discipline boys using violence.  It is not talked about.  It is not talked about in AA meetings and it is not talked about in culture.  What is screwed up about that is if I dont talk about it, I have a chance to repeat it.

sluk-dancerThat was why when I was accused of harming someone I was close to it affected me so deeply.  It triggered a level of emotional/psychological pain and activated that energy that I have carried in my body all my life.  Once that energy was triggered, I lost the ability to use my mind to keep it from effecting me.  The brainiac could not suppress it any more. I suffered and still do at a certain level.

123 RV, SA, JW, RW, JZ, PA!

All quote from Carl Jung except (1) Bruce Springsteen Empty Sky.
(2) Bruce Springsteen Waiting on a Sunny Day. 




4 thoughts on ““One must never look to the things that ought to change.”

  1. If one never looks to the things that ought to change then how it one to change them? I am all for focusing on the positive but accepting our situation and giving in isn’t an option for some, a fight is necessary for some 🙂

  2. Hi Mckarlie,
    I agree with you in principle that the things which need to change, must. I also think we may be talking about two different things here. For me the way Jung was saying it was to not focus on those things that we want to change but to change the things that we can change. I dont want to suffer with the dis-ease of Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder. Yet I do. When I am in the feelings of the dis-ease, whether it be the depression which for me can manifest in a almost catatonic state, or the anxiety which creates heightened paranoia for me, I cant change those feelings many times when I am operating out of the fear and shame that create them. I can change how I respond to others but I cant change the thing, the Depression, even though I ought to.
    Always like to hear what you have to say thanks

  3. Wow…reading this conjured up a vision from junior high of being ordered to pick the paddle that the assistant principal would use to humiliate me in front of a whole group of teachers and parents. I’d forgotten the shame and anger I felt at the time. And I’d forgotten the reaction of my Dad when I brought home the further humiliation of the note to be signed and returned. “You’ve embarrassed the whole family.” Not a big event as events go in this world, but it forever changed my attitude towards my Father and all authority figures. I felt as though my heart had turned to stone and I never again fully trusted my Dad. My defense against shame and humiliation was to build a wall around my feelings and to never, ever allow anyone close enough to hurt me like that again.

    It’s been a long road since then and I still had not fully let go of that … thank you for your words … I think I’m finally in a place where I can acknowledge and let go of the deep seated soul cancer this incident represents.

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