“Perceptions are but reflections within the corridors of mind…”

10576235_1478792175702340_1648178438_n“…they supply traces of reality rather than direct contact with it.”(1) Okay so here goes.    I met a wonder full new friend this weekend.  So what does my mind do?  It starts to construct this reality of what the meeting really was, and it does it based on my history.  Uh oh!!   When I start to do that, when I start to ruminate about what has already taken place,  I start to look at the new friend through the “construct” (which is what I call my mind,) and start to see that the thoughts keep ending up at dead ends.  Well if I mischievous-smile-ajaytaocontinue to ruminate about that event, that meeting, I will eventually find all the blocks in the world, all the reasons I can come up with to not continue that friendship.   I do this with almost all friendships.  Why?  I think it is because I had to believe that the way I saw the world as a child was real.  The problem with that is that I grew up with this chaotic, never present for anyone but ourselves family, which meant that I had to figure out life on my own, what was real and what wasn’t. finger-touching-nose-of-baby It sorta sounds impossible doesnt it?

“To be sane, we must recognise our beliefs as fictions.”(2)What a contradiction eh?  If a belief is fiction, then what am I left with. I am left with the belief that I am not enough.  Is that a fiction?  I dont know, I leave it to those in my life who are not governed by the construct called the mind that I am.  baby-wolvesI am starting to believe that I am enough, but it is slow.  I was telling a friend that I believe that I have worked through about 75% of the imagery that has been the core of those “deep seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of consciousness,” that I believe are the bases of my depression.

 “Our lives are determined less by our childhood than by the traumatic way we have learned to remember baby-with-blue-eyesour childhoods.”(2) I was just listening to Brene Brown,(one of her Ted Talks is on the Resource page of this blog) and she hit the nail on the head, when she said we think we are not enough.  I remembered my childhood as one where I could never do enough.  I could never be perfect.  I tell the story of the all A’s on a report card and the one B and that we spent a half hour talking pornabout that B and brushed over the other grades.  They were expected.  Well now, since I 2010, I have even got some C’s and yes, there are even some D’s in the report card of life of mine.
What I am learning in the journey that the wonder full meeting of my new friend showed me was that I am never going to get straight A’s any more.  Why not, the mind asked?  Because to get a straight A means that I will miss learning how to fly fish.  I need to learn how to fly fish because fly fishing is about life and not about the task or downloadaccomplishment that I always used to get you to recognize me as a valued member of the human race.
123, RW, RV, LG, SA, PA, PH, DA.

7 thoughts on ““Perceptions are but reflections within the corridors of mind…”

  1. I guess I’m just that friend who will never let go. Our friendship is one of only 3 friendships in my life that I consider amazing, supportive and lifelong. Hang in there!

    • You are one of the few who have stayed when I was crazy and stayed when I am going through hell. I have always loved you and am so grateful that we have worked through things like we did last week. I dont think you can ever know how much you mean to me.

  2. As a parallel, I remember very very few things in my childhood. I just remembered it was serene and happy. My sisters have their memories of it, but not happy ones. I still recall my surprise when reading a book I turned the page and saw this exact syndrome listed.

  3. A small wisdom I have learnt through personal pain is…to take only the warm and welcome memories on your journey into the future . Leave heavy baggage behind – where it belongs and to relish the moment. Birdwatching has worked wonders for me in the last year or so …and yes …you are enough. What a wonderful word. Have a great day

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