“…they supply traces of reality rather than direct contact with it.”(1) Okay so here goes. I met a wonder full new friend this weekend. So what does my mind do? It starts to construct this reality of what the meeting really was, and it does it based on my history. Uh oh!! When I start to do that, when I start to ruminate about what has already taken place, I start to look at the new friend through the “construct” (which is what I call my mind,) and start to see that the thoughts keep ending up at dead ends. Well if I continue to ruminate about that event, that meeting, I will eventually find all the blocks in the world, all the reasons I can come up with to not continue that friendship. I do this with almost all friendships. Why? I think it is because I had to believe that the way I saw the world as a child was real. The problem with that is that I grew up with this chaotic, never present for anyone but ourselves family, which meant that I had to figure out life on my own, what was real and what wasn’t. It sorta sounds impossible doesnt it?
“To be sane, we must recognise our beliefs as fictions.”(2)What a contradiction eh? If a belief is fiction, then what am I left with. I am left with the belief that I am not enough. Is that a fiction? I dont know, I leave it to those in my life who are not governed by the construct called the mind that I am. I am starting to believe that I am enough, but it is slow. I was telling a friend that I believe that I have worked through about 75% of the imagery that has been the core of those “deep seated emotional conflicts that persist below the level of consciousness,” that I believe are the bases of my depression.