Forgetting Fanatic

blue-mask-matt-marquezAlways looking for an escape from my mind. It plays tricks on me and convinces me I should die. It reminds me I still have my belt, my husband is not home and the shed is perfect. I can visually see myself hanging almost as if I can reach out and touch my body. I wish I could drink. Get lost in booze. Forget about the bullshit 326684that takes up space in my mind. Unfortunately I have been down that road before and it doesn’t end well either.  My current state and alcohol could easily be the death of me. But maybe that is what I am looking for.
Constantly battling the voices in my mind and the voices outside myself. It’s been a full time job lately. I haven’t shared my struggles with anyone. I’m going backwards in this arena. I had promised I would be more open and honest, especially with my husband. I’m also not even letting my dear friend know. I give him tidbits, surface information. I tell myself to pick up the phone and call him but never do. I don’t call crisis lines either. I used to have a few therapists from my outpatient program I would call on occasion but I no longer feel comfortable with them.
dawnLast November I was “practicing” how to hang myself. I put the quotes because I’m a joke. I can’t follow through on this plan. I found myself in the shed last night with my belt staring at the beam. I stood there a while numb. My husband was out to dinner with a friend. I had been having suicidal thoughts all day. This constant chatter enticing me, finding reasons and justifications and then shouting them at me. After a busy stressful week I’m not unwinding w a Budweiser, but wishing I was dead.
20131022-143123.jpgI had texted my therapist about 4pm that I was having terrible suicidal thoughts. She called back, of course I didn’t answer, giving me emergency procedures should I feel I’m going to act. This morning I get a text from her asking me to please tell her how I am. I respond telling her about the belt and the shed. She then said I need to tell my husband-he needs to know.  This is my decision Lady!  Do not tell me what to do. If I choose to tell him, which I won’t, that is on me. I don’t have it in me to get into a conversation with him around my behavior. I just can’t tell him.
jess and OatieI am in a low spot, but my mask is thick. I have everyone fooled. I make it through work with the assistance of klonopin. My husband gets home from work late now and I go to bed early. I can put on a fake smile for 2 hrs. It’s a sad state of affairs. It’s not that I don’t trust him. I do. I don’t want to cause extra stress and worry. I know my thinking is backwards most of the time. I just don’t know any other way. I’ve caused a lot of emotional wreckage already. He has a new job now and his own stress from that. He certainly doesn’t deserve more stress and chaos from me.
I guess I need to explore why I can’t reach out. Why I can’t be honest when I’m struggling or hurting. It’s angie-nguyencongdanhbeen that way for a long time, maybe even always.  Honestly, I already know why this is such a challenging task for me. What’s really important is how I can move past it. How do I learn it’s okay to call my friend and open up to my husband.

123 RV, SA, LG, PH, PA, JM, JB, JW

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5 thoughts on “Forgetting Fanatic

  1. It feels like you climbed inside my mind. Suicide is something I think about daily. No I don’t have a plan. But I do understand the not wanting to share as well. Just told my doctor last week I think about it daily. I feel so sensitized to everything in the world, everything hurts. I have ptsd and fibromyalgia and get overwhelmed easily. Reading this piece you wrote left me feeling like I want to let you just be who you are, where you are, however you are, no judgement, no advice, just the safety to say what you need to when you need to. Please know if you ever want to talk, I will listen and answer you as best I can. You have inspired me today, sharing so candidly gave me the courage to share what I have here. Hope this finds you feeling better for sharing. ❤️❤️❤️

  2. shoe1000,

    it sucks to be where you are at. i’ve been in a similar place and i did not find it fun hiding my deep dark secret. i felt like i’d be judged for being in such a crappy place. tell me if this sound familiar, “whatever you do, don’t do it!” that comes from someone who doesn’t understand. that statement comes loaded with judgment. those judgements only make the situation even worse.

    shoe1000, being where you are doesn’t make you broken or unlovable. it just means you are fighting with the dark side of your life. the challenge that stands before you is not to let he dark side win. you’ve done it before. i have hope that you will find the strength to battle and beat this struggle this time and every time you face it in the future.

    this is nearly impossible, but find someone you can be the hearer of your secrets and not judge. spouses have to be taught this because most of the time, judgement is a natural state for just about everyone.

    feel free to contact me if you want to talk to someone who attempts to speak in non-judgmental talk. I use to be a judgmental talker, so I still lapse into old habits at time.

    • You owe it to your husband and friend to let them know. I have been there many times and know you must open up to someone. Marriage means sharing and caring. You think you are protecting him. Think again. What if you “do it?” How will he feel in his new job with all the stresses with a dead wife? And, no, he is NOT better off without you. Nor is your friend. Sorry to be so harsh. I am sick and have to call it like it is. Call your therapist. Do you pray to God? If so, pray. I will pray for you. I do pray for you every day. You DO matter. Email me!

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