Always looking for an escape from my mind. It plays tricks on me and convinces me I should die. It reminds me I still have my belt, my husband is not home and the shed is perfect. I can visually see myself hanging almost as if I can reach out and touch my body. I wish I could drink. Get lost in booze. Forget about the bullshit that takes up space in my mind. Unfortunately I have been down that road before and it doesn’t end well either. My current state and alcohol could easily be the death of me. But maybe that is what I am looking for.
Constantly battling the voices in my mind and the voices outside myself. It’s been a full time job lately. I haven’t shared my struggles with anyone. I’m going backwards in this arena. I had promised I would be more open and honest, especially with my husband. I’m also not even letting my dear friend know. I give him tidbits, surface information. I tell myself to pick up the phone and call him but never do. I don’t call crisis lines either. I used to have a few therapists from my outpatient program I would call on occasion but I no longer feel comfortable with them.
Last November I was “practicing” how to hang myself. I put the quotes because I’m a joke. I can’t follow through on this plan. I found myself in the shed last night with my belt staring at the beam. I stood there a while numb. My husband was out to dinner with a friend. I had been having suicidal thoughts all day. This constant chatter enticing me, finding reasons and justifications and then shouting them at me. After a busy stressful week I’m not unwinding w a Budweiser, but wishing I was dead.
I had texted my therapist about 4pm that I was having terrible suicidal thoughts. She called back, of course I didn’t answer, giving me emergency procedures should I feel I’m going to act. This morning I get a text from her asking me to please tell her how I am. I respond telling her about the belt and the shed. She then said I need to tell my husband-he needs to know. This is my decision Lady! Do not tell me what to do. If I choose to tell him, which I won’t, that is on me. I don’t have it in me to get into a conversation with him around my behavior. I just can’t tell him.
I am in a low spot, but my mask is thick. I have everyone fooled. I make it through work with the assistance of klonopin. My husband gets home from work late now and I go to bed early. I can put on a fake smile for 2 hrs. It’s a sad state of affairs. It’s not that I don’t trust him. I do. I don’t want to cause extra stress and worry. I know my thinking is backwards most of the time. I just don’t know any other way. I’ve caused a lot of emotional wreckage already. He has a new job now and his own stress from that. He certainly doesn’t deserve more stress and chaos from me.
I guess I need to explore why I can’t reach out. Why I can’t be honest when I’m struggling or hurting. It’s been that way for a long time, maybe even always. Honestly, I already know why this is such a challenging task for me. What’s really important is how I can move past it. How do I learn it’s okay to call my friend and open up to my husband.
123 RV, SA, LG, PH, PA, JM, JB, JW