Fanatical Conundrum

way-ahead  I was sitting in my car last night outside my therapists office having heart palpitations and my breathing was labored. Panic was taking over quick. I had made the mistake of checking my work email. There was a huge situation beginning to boil w my client. Politics are involved. It could get messy. I am already feeling stressed to the gills over my other 7 projects, now throw in a client situation, and I’m not sure I can handle it. O don’t feel I have time to dive into a big muddy affair. I have dual roles at my job and I don’t think it’s going to work out for much longer.
whirlpool-2The problem is I have a big ego when it comes to work. I want to be able to do it all and do it perfectly. Admitting I have to much on my plate? Don’t think I ever have before. But these are different times. Just as a little example, it took me 2 hours to get out of bed yesterday and today I have no strength to face work challenges or any challenges really. I had to stay home. I thought about pushing myself out the door anyway, but knew emotionally it would not be in anyone’s best interest.  But just to keep that ego in tact I am working from home. Spoke to my supervisor and updated him on the situation, gave my input. Responding to emails.  Should I be doing this or just resting?
My inner critic will rip me to shreds no matter what I do. If I work, of course it’s only going to be a half ass effort. If I don’t, obviously I don’t care about my client and this delicate situation.  What would it mean to just take care of myself.  What would it be like to honor the fact that I’m struggling right now but trying my best? Is this as hard for you as it is for me?
unique-tree-bark-ajaytao1Sitting on the therapy couch last night I sounded rational. I could weigh both sides of the situation. We talked about setting boundaries. If my focus is the projects perhaps I shouldn’t have clients. Since staff have left there aren’t enough people to cover clients and I want to be a team player. Ok. So then maybe I should have 1 less project. What the fuck do you want from me is what I want to yell at my agency.  But my damn ego stands in the way. The need to be perfect and strong. A strong person doesn’t call in sick when the troops are down. Sadly, Today I can’t see which way is up. I’m not rational. I’m barely functional.
Truth is I don’t know how to take care of myself. I don’t know when it’s okay to rest. I do know stress is really affecting me differently. I don’t like it. Makes me feel weak. But it also scares me. I don’t want to be this fragile. I am afraid it will send me down the rabbit hole. I need to learn not every situation calls for me to dig in my heels. Work and the world will be alright if I put my feet up and lean back. That would be a good suggestion for someone else. Why not for me?



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