Fanatic’s Find!

10312474_785985181440900_5662887777018086031_nI am armed with books. I carry them from room to room. They surround me on the couch. I’ve got the bipolar survival guide, some Deepak, a book on staying in the moment and the last Radical self forgiveness. I stare at these books. I  try to absorb the words, but I cannot. I can’t read right now. I can’t retain right now. I try over and over again to no avail.
I finally had to put them down. I’m already troubled enough no need to remind me I have no concentration or focus. But it was much deeper than that. It was as if I was pushing page 10446666_10204349217710974_5055388173445466429_nafter page to fill the hole I have. To find the right path I am supposed to be on. To be reassured I am on the right journey. That I am not destined to exist in darkness and pain for the rest of my life.
But what I found was more sadness. I became immersed in what I was supposed to be doing by someone else’s standards. So I felt worthless, useless and hopeless when I couldn’t follow through or comprehend 10660376_843231542383716_2204225344977835787_nwhat was written. I was trying to be intellectual about an emotional issue. Clearly it wasn’t working.
In the middle of this quest to solve my own riddle through books, I was decompensating. I had to leave work early several days in a row because I became overwhelmed emotionally and couldn’t keep from crying. I began to cancel meetings and avoid people. I would hide in my office with the door closed. Soon I was paranoid and thought I could hear other people’s thoughts about me. At this point, I wasn’t able to focus at work. I couldn’t remember directions or work issues from day to day.
hillmanMy therapist told me to take all books back to the library, it was time to put attention to functioning.  She reminded me I didn’t have to have all the answers all the time. She reminded me to be gentle and take it easy. She reminded me to breath and do one thing at a time. Keep short lists as I was easily overwhelmed. The big one was other people are busy and probably not terribly worried about me. And if they were that’s okay because I was doing the best I could.
healthInSickSociety.krishnamurti-300x225I tried to implement her suggestions. Some I could, some I couldn’t. I am quite stressed at work right now. I’m not sleeping well. I have had to hold back tears a few times. I’m trying to have more of a sense of humor around mistakes and not knowing things. Or at the very least smile. I’d really like to let go of judgement toward myself. In my mind I envision a creek with leaves floating down the water, I place the judgement thought on the leaf and watch it disappear. I have yet to be able to use this technique. But hopefully one day.
While I think it’s wonderful there is literature for me to jump 1393852_909291559087829_6429478004072054840_ninto, i can’t have high expectations. I am on the road my feet are on. I have to keep moving one step at a time.

123 Rhonda, Renee, Jill, Mer, Steve, Pat, Pam, Jeff, Jim

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5 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Find!

  1. I understand completely. Reading can be out of reach when depression or anxiety looms large.
    i read stuff anyway, but cannot retain or focus on it. Hard to let go but what else is there.
    Love and peace to you.

  2. Sometimes we become encapsulated by books. For me now, reading is a liberation, a secret, private world but one that stimulates engagement with everyday things too. I have not gotten to travel much, but the book I am now reading has me right there in 1830’s British colonial India. I live in a much broader spectrum than those who are dismissive of books esp those texting all day or couch potatoes.

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