Fanatic’s Question

Mt._St._Helena_lg All over the Internet are advice articles on how to start your new year, how to lose weight, how to find your soul mate. I have chosen not to read most of these. Not because I already know how to do these things or that I’m already married. I have made the decision to sit down and truly think about my life. I often, well always, think I lack a purpose. I used to have faith in a higher power when I first got sober. Held onto it for quite a while. But, slowly lost it and haven’t really tried to grasp onto it again. It does cross my mind from time to time. It’s not that a-poetry-autumnI don’t believe, I just haven’t reached up to pull it into my life. Is pull the wrong word? It doesn’t feel right. Maybe more like accept it into my life. Ah, acceptance. Such a challenge to me. Why do I fight it?
I feel like I’m in desperate need of guidance. I have lost my way, lost touch with myself, lost the meaning of life. I’m reading books, trolling the Internet, asking others.  Looking outside myself. Surely there is an instruction manual. There is something eating away at me. I don’t know what it is. It’s causing great discomfort in mind, body and soul. I wonder if it’s 630431my fault. I wonder if I’m not trying hard enough. I wonder if it’s designed to question my place on this earth.
I’ve said before I want to live not merely exist. Always in survival mode. Always waiting for the demons to return. Sleeping so I don’t cry. Hide out at the park to isolate. Shut down. It’s not all the time, but a majority of the time. But enough to really bring into question: what am I doing napa courthousehere? What is my purpose? Do I deserve a seat at the table? Do I bring anything to this world?
I tried this exercise. Took a blank page and wrote at the top in big bold letters
MY TRUE PURPOSE. I was supposed to write as many things that came to mind. Big, small, silly, serious. Anything. As you keep writing the one statement or word that makes you cry is it. Could take 2 minutes, could take an hour.  Here is what I came up with:
My purpose: to believe in myself and my worth, give of myself to others while    allowing peace and abundance to enter my IMG_0698 (2)life. To give up looking for answers and just be.
I don’t know if this takes big shoes or little shoes to adopt. But it felt right. And yes part of it made me cry. I do think it may take the presence of a higher power to guide me. The letting go of needing answers will be a challenge for me. It’s ironic since I never seem to find those burning answers.
I am at a place where I really need to find peace. I lay down and surrender. I feel like I’m dying. I’m tired. I’ve never been very good at asking for help. a-grilled-door-ajaytaoBut here I am. Please help me.



6 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Question

  1. Wow. This is going to sound so stupid, but it’s a still small voice. A whisper on the wind. You sit in silence still as long as it takes and you believe in your heart that God will answer you. You ask and wait. Then you believe. Like a child. I hope I helped.

  2. Shoe1000,

    your journey serves as an inspiration to me. my faith journey has become like a meandering river. i am ready, willing to be a soldier in your army.

    i personally think acknowledgments, acknowledgement of presence, acknowledgement of journey, acknowledgement of the struggles, acknowledgement of the good times have become rare in today’s world, too rare. I believe these acknowledgments are helpful to all especially those suffering with depression. i have learned how powerful it is to be a receiver of statements as simple as, “i am glad to see you.” the simple acknowledgments help to counter the stupid voice in my head that says i’m worthless or no one cares about me.

    i try to pass of the gifts of acknowledgements that i have received. I try to sent a daily acknowledgement to people in need. most people have recognized and significant difference in as little as a week.

    So if want to, i’ll add you my list.

  3. My purpose: to believe in myself and my worth, give of myself to others while allowing peace and abundance to enter my IMG_0698 (2)life. To give up looking for answers and just be.
    That’s a great and reachable purpose. I especially like to give up looking for answers and just be. Sometimes (often) there are no answers. I wish you a new year filled with self love and worthiness.

  4. I understand some of your feelings and others I have a son and a brother who are similar in their feelings of unworthiness, feeling lost and sometimes forlorn, alone facing hurdles that are large and sometimes they think they are insurmountable. One of these two special men in my life, tells me after going to AA and other organized groups, he takes life minute by minute. Sometimes, if he feels ‘lucky’ he will go day by day.
    Sometimes it is best not to want to have answers or seek them, maybe they are beyond our understanding.
    I worry a lot, that is my problem or hurdle in life.
    I wish I could say there are easy answers but I love the ideas you came up with. You can ‘just be.’ You can love yourself and feel you truly are a good person.
    Wishing you peace, light in the darkness and some reassurance, possibly of a higher being’s warmth and love for you, just as you are. Knowing others care may help… Hugs, Robin

  5. When I was where you are, don’t know your age, but I was 35. I returned to university and studied the things I really was interested in, and became interested in the “required” courses for the particular post grad work I was engaged in. It helped me to determine where my interests really were, I stated my career at 18 in accounting and went to college through that career. The accounting knowledge has served me well for economy, tax preparations, tax savings, and becoming independently wealthy by understanding its not how much money one has, but what one does with what one has. I pushed myself to be a scholar so I would earn scholarships to pay for my return to university. There was one course “Symbolic Interaction”, which engaged me. I loved all of the studies and being a scholar, but one day I happened into the library at the “current events” book shelf. I picked up a couple of wonderful books on astrology and taught myself to cast my own chart. Now there is computer to do that for us. I began “The journey into the deep. With the book “Planets in Transit” by Robert Hand, I learned what the meaning of each of the symbols were in my chart, the energy fields they were in. That has been 29 years ago. But a couple of years after I graduated, I came across the book “The Divine Triangle” by Faith Javane and Dusty Bunker. I did my numerology, learned how to cast my numbers for every 4 months for my age, career, and soul. It gave me answers that inspired me to understand that I was meant to be in solitude, to learn how wonderful solitude is, and to simply live within the day, and do what the day require. I have a library of metaphysical books wherein I continue my personal journey and know what is exactly required of me through the personal astrological transits and my numerology. I learned that I was given the gift of solitude to go within to learn who it is that I am, be at peace with it, and to see the magical personal timing of how the universe gives to each one of us what it is that we need. Western scripture tells us to ask, seek, and to knock. I contemplate on the good news I read and study, it uplifts me, gives me hope every day for it is through this personal process I was really able to be so grateful for the opportunity for personal spiritual transformation, rejuvenation, regeneration which comes from within. If you don’t like to study, to contemplate on something that will give you great answers, then the process takes a lot longer and is more difficult to navigate. With studying metaphysics (Personal spiritual physics) your mind is broadened, opened to a grander, higher level of understanding yourself. It is a process, I’ve been doing this for 29 years and I will never give it up. I arise early in a.m. and research elements of my personal chart for every new transit, all of it tells me what I need to do, how I need to go about what I need to do. As yes, one does wait until things unfold in their due time, but when they do, you have a greater understanding of what is necessary of you. It just may be that the universe is calling you to this particular path of the greater journey of the deep within. I truly understand what you are going through, I’ve been there!!!!!!

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