How easy it is to lose my way. I of course never think I’m cured, but do get this false sense that I’m all better. Just as swiftly as those feelings come they also disappear. I am left disappointed and confused. What did I do wrong? Where did that slight skip in my step go? Where is my sense of humor hiding? This time all replaced with agitation and a river of tears. Sometimes sobs. I am so agitated I have no tolerance for light and music and chatter. Tears flow down my face like a damn waterfall. I don’t always know why. It’s like someone snuck up and opened the flood gates. Put these two symptoms together and I am not a pleasure to be around.
I went to the river today for several reasons. To find glass to cut myself. A tree to hang myself. And a quiet place alone to just cry. I didn’t find any glass, which would have eased the crying spell. I did find a tree. I am having dreams where a voice is telling me it must be a tree overhanging the river, or at least the bank. No indecision here. Not like with a ladder.
Just a week ago I was having coffee with my dear friend. He noticed my energy was “up.” I was genuinely smiling and laughing. Being goofy and care free. Three days of hypomania was wonderful. I’m not asking for that. Just consistent peace of mind. Consistent period without tears. Consistent period not battling my demons. Other people get this all fucking year.
I feel misled. I get my dancing shoes on but then cannot tolerate the sound. I never know if I should just leave them on because things can change in an instant.
123 RV, SA, RW, JZ, PA, PH, JV, JM, MB, JDK