”I’ve spent many years alone with the process of unlearning.”

10385416_749767401731784_6451181439766627222_nThis is what Depression is to me.  Unlearning.  I am not sure that I can articulate it in words sufficiently for others to understand. Hell I cant understand it, why do I think I can help you understand it!  Having been gone for a while consistently from here, I am still in this place of unraveling or as Jung said, unlearning.  I used to be so afraid of unraveling, as society sees it as being something ‘wrong,’ but now I realize that I cannot get to this place of acceptance without the unraveling, or unlearning.
dsc09622“[W]ords should not become Gods.”  For so long, I relied on my ability to use words well.  I would love to say better than most, but that is just my ego trying to create distance between me and the world.  Since I let words become my Ggod, along with money, I have been given a wonder full opportunity of painfully deconstructing those myths.
night-owl   For me it took depression and the depths of despair and separateness that come with lack of physical, social and emotional connection from the outside world.*   What I realized when I read those words by Terrence Real, “The only way out of covert depression is overt depression, was that I to go into what some might call a rabbit hole of feelings, dissociation and pain full emptiness.  I lost connection with the only person in the world I truly care about at the level  that when I think of her, I cry.  I cry now as I write these words  because I miss her so much and I dont know how to overcome the barrier that has come about between us.
“Man stands between emptiness and fullness.”  For so long in my life, I lived on the side of emptiness.  Sure I did lots of things, with words imageprimarily, but I still felt this sense of pain full emptiness that I pushed it down so far that I did not even know it was emptiness.  I just thought something was so “wrong,” with me that I didn’t deserve a life of fulfillment, love and meaning.  That is a really, really cold and lonely place  to be.
“If his strength combines with emptiness, it has a dissolving and destructive effect, since emptiness can never be formed, but only strives to satisfy itself at the cost of fullness.”  I have learned that this is what addiction does.  Not just to chemicals but to anything that I 10583817_827183823988488_7096944561490260692_nuse to replace connection to self, others and to the Ggods.   Hell is when you put poison in your body and think it is making life better.  I dont agree that it is denial.  I think it is character defenses that  no longer work but not knowing what else to do since there is no perspective, no connection to anything or any one outside of our self.   It is a living hell.
“If his strength combines with fullness, it becomes fully lost-in-an-ocean-of-red-power-focus-fotographieformative.” A few of my friends, the ones who are involved in my life on a more than casual basis, say that they have  noticed a change in me.  I have noticed it in only that I am more aware and have a better view of the day than I did say six months ago.  I pray to the Ggods that I have more of an ability to be more present in my life.  Period.

I also hope to see that one person who matters 1393852_909291559087829_6429478004072054840_nto me more than life does.

All quotes from Carl Jung’s Red Book


*I have never talked about some of the reasons that the harmonic convergence called being diagnosed with depression took place, as they dont belong in here.  Needless to say that is one of the biggest reasons I have not been here in a while as those events are starting to work themselves out in the “outside,” world.

RIP Brothers under the Bridge



5 thoughts on “”I’ve spent many years alone with the process of unlearning.”

  1. Great post! I’m so glad you are “back.” I have missed you. I have felt or rather feel the emptiness, loneliness and personal hell of addiction. You do have a way w words. Being present, though hard, is a gift to ourself. You my friend deserve it!

  2. guess we both visited despair. gotta say it is not a fun place to be.

    separation in any form from someone near and dear to you always seems difficult. i know, I lived that pain for nearly two years.

    i have a hope that the chasm between you and the only person in the world that you truly care about can be filled, that things can get better.

    how? for me it meant and continues to mean to keep showing her that things have changed and changed for the better. i kept giving her reason to hope and soon the hope began to outweigh the hurt and we could begin the process of reconnection. i needed to a remember that my wife represents a special gift and i need to treat her as such.

    I hope and I pPray that you gGod will give you the strength and wisdom to make that happen.

    • Therein lies the problem for us all. Suffering is not for the depressive alone. It however, be more acute in us in contrast to others. However, it is a manifestation of a malaise that is a cultural phenomenon. If Depression increases as estimated by 500% in the next generation, it will soon become all of our problems as it will begin to extract more and more of a cost to us all. Sick and hurt people need more support and that will come from our systems and that will overburden them more than they already are.

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