This is what Depression is to me. Unlearning. I am not sure that I can articulate it in words sufficiently for others to understand. Hell I cant understand it, why do I think I can help you understand it! Having been gone for a while consistently from here, I am still in this place of unraveling or as Jung said, unlearning. I used to be so afraid of unraveling, as society sees it as being something ‘wrong,’ but now I realize that I cannot get to this place of acceptance without the unraveling, or unlearning.
“[W]ords should not become Gods.” For so long, I relied on my ability to use words well. I would love to say better than most, but that is just my ego trying to create distance between me and the world. Since I let words become my Ggod, along with money, I have been given a wonder full opportunity of painfully deconstructing those myths.
For me it took depression and the depths of despair and separateness that come with lack of physical, social and emotional connection from the outside world.* What I realized when I read those words by Terrence Real, “The only way out of covert depression is overt depression, was that I to go into what some might call a rabbit hole of feelings, dissociation and pain full emptiness. I lost connection with the only person in the world I truly care about at the level that when I think of her, I cry. I cry now as I write these words because I miss her so much and I dont know how to overcome the barrier that has come about between us.
“Man stands between emptiness and fullness.” For so long in my life, I lived on the side of emptiness. Sure I did lots of things, with words primarily, but I still felt this sense of pain full emptiness that I pushed it down so far that I did not even know it was emptiness. I just thought something was so “wrong,” with me that I didn’t deserve a life of fulfillment, love and meaning. That is a really, really cold and lonely place to be.
“If his strength combines with emptiness, it has a dissolving and destructive effect, since emptiness can never be formed, but only strives to satisfy itself at the cost of fullness.” I have learned that this is what addiction does. Not just to chemicals but to anything that I use to replace connection to self, others and to the Ggods. Hell is when you put poison in your body and think it is making life better. I dont agree that it is denial. I think it is character defenses that no longer work but not knowing what else to do since there is no perspective, no connection to anything or any one outside of our self. It is a living hell.
“If his strength combines with fullness, it becomes fully formative.” A few of my friends, the ones who are involved in my life on a more than casual basis, say that they have noticed a change in me. I have noticed it in only that I am more aware and have a better view of the day than I did say six months ago. I pray to the Ggods that I have more of an ability to be more present in my life. Period.
All quotes from Carl Jung’s Red Book
*I have never talked about some of the reasons that the harmonic convergence called being diagnosed with depression took place, as they dont belong in here. Needless to say that is one of the biggest reasons I have not been here in a while as those events are starting to work themselves out in the “outside,” world.
RIP Brothers under the Bridge