Fanatic Stillness

337129_10151480788466040_1950483812_oLearning to not feel lonely, but rather enjoy solitude. I sit alone 2 nights in a row. Last night was a tough night. Memories flooded me, while worries 0f the future taunted me. I spiraled for quite a while. Cried into my single serve dinner plate. The loneliness almost crushed me.  My thoughts were everywhere and nowhere. Feelings inched up my body and rested on my heart. Remembering painful dreams that actually 20140909-201042-72642283.jpgtook place during daylight hours. I shuddered, not in fear, but maybe despair. Sitting on the floor wrapped in a blanket tears falling, I could swear I heard a whisper: you’re okay, you’re okay.

The stillness of my little house was no longer a threat. The silence was no longer deafening.  I no longer needed to hide from myself. As a leaf from our Christmas poinsettia fell, the fear that pierces me also fell away. I stood up. I embraced the moment. Labored breathing from a head full of lies subsided, and a cleansing breath fed my soul.

I looked around my house and listened. I could hear and feel the ceiling fan divine-hues-ajaytaomoving the air. I smiled at pictures of yesterday. I turned on some music. My feet moving to the beat. I suddenly felt free. Free to enjoy myself. Free to be me. New thoughts entered my mind. The light glistened. I discovered solitude can be comforting. I carried no expectations. Allowed time to churn as it may.  Held myself in love probably for the first time ever.

My desire is to be present and full of grace. Escaping from pain takes a toll. I hold a candle for all those that suffer. Mesmerized by the flame as it dances of its own accord.  For today I 10604659_10204588969262700_7062526869842619097_obelieve you and I will dance out of darkness. We must be patient and trust our time will come. A time where the present moment is all we have and we know peace is soon to be ours.


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