Fanatic’s Green Grass

aww-my-neices-daughter-ajaytaoThe grass is always greener on the other side. Sitting across from me is my husband enjoying a Christmas ale I used to love.  He sips it with care. Savoring it. Actually enjoys it along with his dinner. I envy him or is it jealousy?  I envy how how he can take his time and actually taste the beer. I’m jealous he gets to drink.  As all these thoughts roll around in my head I realize tomorrow is my sobriety birthday. I am 2 years old.
When I was drinking there was no savoring or taking my time. I drank in a fast and furious manner. I was timingtrying to chase away those demons with intense vigor. Not to mention how much it changed me. I became a master manipulator, liar, and victim. I hid my alcohol from both myself and from my husband. However I was not a very good drunk, especially towards the end. I became volatile. Either cried or yelled.  Jekyll and Hyde. All the while shame flooding me.
My drinking career started in college. I found myself seated at the table for the first time. My shy demeanor and fierce insecurities would disappear. I could hang with the big boys and this was my in. But even back then, when it all started, I drank standing babyfast and furious. I couldn’t wait for the liquid to ease my anxiety, allow me to rest.  I would watch the other girls with beer in hand, while I’d be on my 2nd or 3rd.
I am just now realizing I have been depressed much of my life. Just 18 months ago the diagnosis changed to bipolar I. None the less, I was drinking to ease the pain. Whether it be loneliness, guilt, sadness, anxiety.  The thing is alcohol is a lie. The fantasy I made it into always let me down. I thought for sure if I just took a couple shots it would lift my mood.  Which it did, maybe for 10-15 minutes. Just enough time for the stress in my shoulders to subside and I could 4-20-13-dandelion-jpegbreathe. But inevitably my demons would quickly return. So the obvious answer was to pull that bottle back out, pour myself a miracle. A miracle that the heaviness in my body, soul and mind would be set free.
The miracle never came. Fights with my husband emerged. My language changed. I could never remember what I said the night before, so I would start just about every sentence with…did I tell you? I didn’t call in sick to work but I didn’t answer my phone or talk to anyone. I was the epitome of a person I didn’t want to be.
337129_10151480788466040_1950483812_oAs the madness of bipolar took over my life, there were times I desperately wanted a drink. Through hallucinations, delusions, suicidal gestures, abusive voices and paranoid thinking I have stayed sober. Just last month I had a manic episode where I jumped in my car and left town. I made my way down the freeway thinking no one would know if I got drunk. I stood in front of the vodka bottles for at least 2 minutes. But deep inside I knew I didn’t want to lose my sobriety.  My mental health is quite unstable but my desire to stay sober is quite stable.
angel2So the very grass I think is greener is unsafe for me. But really, for me it’s not really that green.

123 RV, SA, JW, RW, JZ, PH, PA

finger touching nose of baby     the-four-seasons-of-love-low-res


3 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Green Grass

  1. Many people have gone through this. We don’t drink in our family at all, it’s so that most of us came to conclusion that all what alcohol causes is some momentarily relief and very bad and long aftertaste. I gave up alcohol completely because of my conditions, it made them all way worse and out of control. I’m never jealous watching somebody to drink. You simply have to replace it with something. You need moments of feeling heavenly, and art does this for me.

  2. Yes, keep sober especially during this holiday season. I am currently reading Drunk by Jowita Bydlowska – a memoir. That you openly write about your drinking is a huge step forward.
    Happy Holidays to you and your dear ones.

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