Its true isn’t it. You are what you think. I stumble through my work day. I can’t focus or remember things from day to day. I ask a lot of questions of my supervisor. I was honest with her, as she seems trustworthy and empathetic. I told her early on I was bipolar. I had to call her from a hospital bed 2 weeks ago and tell her I wouldn’t be in due to a “bipolar flair up.” This really meant overdosed on some pills in an effort to kill myself. Of course, this part I kept to myself. I told her I would be out for a few days. She sent me a text sending me her support. Very lovely of her. I was surprised, but not. She is a very caring person from what little I know of her.
I have worked at my agency for 15 years. I have worked in this position for 19 months. I don’t feel like I know very much as I was out quite a bit last year for various hospitalizations and then follow up treatment. Its been a long road. Each time I was out for 2-3 months and felt like I had to start over. No one ever held it against me for needing to cover for me. It was me that felt the guilt and shame. The work load is very stressful and knowing someone had to cover for me was upsetting. I had to come to terms with it, as I was far too sick to be at work.
I follow through with my appointments. I have good rapport with vendors that I work with. I am approachable, friendly, and honest. I meet deadlines. I take on “side jobs” when I can to help ease the work load. I know my projects and where they stand. I think I get the job done.
Yet, it’s that thinking that gets me every time. I’m not a very good employee. I need to ask too many questions. Its obvious I don’t know what I’m doing. When working collaboratively I don’t pull my weight. I don’t understand budgets or floor plans, I can’t possibly do this job. I can’t believe how much time I have had to take off for my fucking mental health.
Yesterday I had one of those days where I cried all day. I tried to come into work hoping the distraction would be helpful. I have an office and could keep the door closed. I was at the microwave heating up some kava tea when she came in, I was sniffling as I had been crying on my way into work. I have no idea why. She asked if I was okay. I honestly replied no (which is unheard of for me.) She told me to go home. I didn’t want to go there either. I made it half way through the day and then needed to leave.
Today she asked me how she could be of support to me. She thinks I am an awesome resource developer, and wants to help. She said I was awesome at my job. I was so surprised. We decided I could text her and let her know if I needed to work from home if I was having “one of those days” and she would be fine with that. My last supervisor was also supportive in this way and it was tremendously helpful.
My thinking had me convinced I am not a good employee. However, when I stop to think about it, truly think about, I am a damn good worker. It should be no surprise that my supervisor would tell me I am awesome (bragging just a little). I try to get out of bed and get to work each and every day. Some might say that in itself is pretty damn awesome.
123 RV, SA, JW, RW, JZ!