Have you ever walked across a bridge only for it to burst into flames? You may know or you may not know why. But for me guilt sets in. It must be my fault. One week ago I attempted to take my life. All the chaos of 911 ensued. I was scared. I couldn’t look up, all I saw were black boots. I was crying. I didn’t quite know the brevity of the situation.
That bridge used to be strong. We met in the middle. Now anger wrangles the boards and there is a collapse. I hear his side: this was incredibly scary, I didn’t know what to do, I’ve gone through so many emotions anger, frustration, confusion. He told me if we weren’t married he would have packed up his things and left. Does this mean the word marriage is the only reason he did stay? I feel like he has given up on me.
He has told me several times he is very mad at me. I tried to share I feel like there is no understanding of what I was going through that led me to take those pills. It feels like compassion and support are missing. Or maybe I am being selfish. I honestly don’t know. I haven’t been asked anything about how I was feeling leading up to the attempt. More so it’s HOW COULD YOU DO THAT.
I too had confusion and fear. When 911 arrived with all the sirens and lights I was mad at myself also. Those black boots are in my dreams and daydreams. It was the darkest day I have ever experienced. The thoughts and emotions swept me up and knocked me around. I was beat down til I couldn’t take it anymore.
So now, we are not in the middle as I have burned our bridge. Sure I can say sorry. But seriously does that do the pain and hurt I have caused justice? There were a few people involved that day. I am afraid they are mad at me too. I beg these people to understand I had no intention of hurting them. I was going inward. I was causing my own personal nightmare.
I have never known anyone to commit suicide. I think of Robin Williams and how he must have felt that day. I am empathetic towards his decision. Given my disorder and last few years I want to believe I would have some understanding and compassion towards him. I would wish I could have helped in some way. I would not blame him.
Again it’s always different on the other side of the street. But that doesn’t mean compassion and attempt at understanding couldn’t cross lines.
123 RV, SA, PA, RW, JZ