Fanatic’s Final

cotton-clouds-ajaytaoHow do you tell someone you love you no longer want to exist? Do you preface it with its me not you? Do you tell them all the things you love about being together, but that’s not the issue? Do you tell them they will find someone better, someone that makes them laugh, can be in the moment and smile?
It’s a confusing and bittersweet place to be. I feel like I want to die. I want to take my life. yet when I have that opportunity, which I have had twice this week, I think of him. Damn him! Why does he have to mean so much to me. I try to push phewa-lake-nepalhim away and leave him out yet he still hangs on.
I feel tormented by suicidal thoughts for 2 weeks. Acted on them twice. Come closer to ending it than I ever have before. It’s just one step. One step off the ladder. Everything was set, but I couldn’t take that step.
I was hearing things such as do it, you’re pathetic and weak. When I look in the mirror today I hear those things. I am frustrated. It feels like the only option to make the thoughts and voices stop.
What would it be like to hang there gasping for air? Knowing I’m stuck. Knowing its final? I attempted to feel it by shifting tranquil-dawn-twilight-blues-ajaytaomy weight off the ladder as much as I could. It was scary.  I felt alone.  I wanted to take that step but I couldn’t.
And then I go back to him. He has no idea of my actions. How would it hurt him? There have been times I didn’t care about anyone’s reaction or feelings. My pain threshold has been reached. Maybe this was different because it was at home and I could see some of his things, our things.
log-cabin-snowy-lapland1I don’t know what to do. I can get by at work, get by at home because I know the role. But I am hurting inside. I’m making impulsive decisions, I’m crying in my car. I’m crying as I write this. I’ve only been back to work for 1 month. This can’t be happening again. Maybe 3rd time is a charm.

night-owl

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3 thoughts on “Fanatic’s Final

  1. Though I do not have any attempts, I have had plenty of ideations and have a sure-fire plan to insure the negative outcome. I know that being where you are sucks. It sucks, big time. You aren’t broken because of these thoughts, you are just in the mist of a big battle. Keep fighting. And if you want any neutral soldiers in your battle, please don’t hesitate to contact me. You will find a sympathetic and empathetic ear.

    You can make it through this. BELIEVE THIS!

    Suicidal ideations and attempts are so hard on the person on our side. The voices convince us that current and future happiness is less than the pain that we, as an individual, currently feel. DON’T BELIEVE THEM. THEY ARE BIG FAT LIARS!! Liars i tell you. Liars.

    Suggestion: Next time this happens, vocalize, meaning say this, and say it with meaning, “Go away you! You are liars! Leave me be! You are getting in the way of the great future that lays in front of me!”

    And that’s true, by listening to those voices the great future that lays ahead of you will never be experienced.

    No one deserves to go through what you are going through.

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