Fanatic’s High

Sometimes my mind  fishing-boats-misty-morning-ajaytaoUnconsciously and consciously

I believe the stories and lies spun in my mind.

I can’t turn it off.

IMG_0698 (2)It’s almost as if it’s being beaten into me.

These are the times distractions don’t work.

The thoughts are so loud I am overwhelmed.

The emotional pain it causes for me

is insurmountable.

I feel alone and that no one understands.

My mind is yelling at me.

It’s all I can hear.

7-21-14-rose-jpegI succumb to the thoughts.

I plan and plot how I’m going to

take myself out.

End it.

630431Be free of this chaos.

Sometimes my mindups the ante and

adds another step.

10526038_663870803709042_5332401051197838708_nAt first it was to take all the meds

I have in the house.

I have a stash on top of

my regular regime.

But this may not be enough.

So my mind demands that I hang myself too.

mexico-city-soldiers-taditional-clothing This way I’m sure not to survive.

I searched the house

for rope and belts.

Looked up how to tie a noose.

We have a shed with high heavy beams.

I did all this matter of factly.

morning-light1Just numb.

Just following directions.

My mind had taken over.

This truly scares me. I don’t know how

I came out of the trance.

Today I can’t stop crying and the reason you ask…

…………

……because I woke up.

finger-touching-nose-of-baby

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