The divine mask has it’s special place on the wall come sunset, yet come sunrise it molds back onto my face. The outside world is a fool or rather am I? It is the protection from others that I seek and at the same time protection from myself. Safety from pain. Safety from memories. An escape from a reality that burdens and hurts me.
Over the course of my life very few people have known the real me. Not even my parents. I was what they needed me to be. The perfect daughter that does no harm. A military family will instill that in you. I’m not sure if the military also instilled a lack of emotion or love within our four walls. Perhaps my parents’ personalities were as such prior. Obviously I will never know the answer. I do know neither had the greatest of upbringing. I can’t fault them for that.
Moving around from place to place every few years was taxing for me. I was a very shy and insecure kid. I don’t think much encouragement came my way unless I was successful. There were no hugs or kisses encouraging me for next time. Sometimes I met anger at what my parents perceived as failure. I became a chameleon to fit in. Because inherently I didn’t feel like I fit in. I am still plagued by this feeling in my 40’s. Sad.
I hide my true feelings. I feel like I am protecting you from me. I do not want to burden you or bring you down. I don’t have much to offer anyone. Truthfully I wish I could disappear, as if I never existed so I don’t hurt others. When the pain gets to be too much even the mask feels too heavy. Yet I hang it up each night taking comfort it will be there in the morning.
123 RV, SA, JW, RW, JZ, PH, PA!