This sadness, overwhelming sadness has a real name for me…depression. I feel enslaved by it lately. My husband said yesterday its like being in a different room than me. He can’t get me to engage in a conversation. See, I have nothing to say. I am consumed by thoughts on how to hurt myself. My mind is on a continuous loop of ways to kill myself. I have been riddled with intense agitation for just under a week. Its so hard to explain what this feels like. Almost like my insides are being wrung out like a wet towel, but then I’m not sure that’s what it feels like either. I am just unsettled, uncomfortable and scared. It feels like no amount of love or reassurance can take it away. Tears fall from my eyes, and I cant express to you why. I go to bed early as an escape. I cry in bed silently too. I feel I cannot control my mind. I have so many options on ways to plan my demise. Overdose on the myriad of pills, as I have some hidden away for the purpose, hang myself in the shed. I have the “weapon” all picked out, or drive to the golden gate bridge while my husband it out of town next week. These are constant thoughts. I visualize each one over and over. I can’t make it stop. I hear a voice that tells me to get drunk, then for sure I will follow through. Meanwhile I show up at work. I can’t stay home as my husband is home. I feel myself pushing him away as if it would make things easier if I were dead. He is frustrated with me. He would like a wife that participates and I just can’t do that right now. I had about 7-8 weeks of participation and some laughter thrown in right out of the hospital. Rapid cycling bipolar seems to take that from me at the 2 month mark. He has been on the end of my agitation these last few days and he is left helpless. I burst into tears for no reason. I yell at him. I walk away. Its so sad as all he wants to do is help. I feel like this is not something you can help. There is no rhyme or reason to it. I feel beat down. I cannot continually deal with these episodes. I see other people and they seem happy, while true I do not know their story, I just wish for that. Do they have death thoughts? Do they visualize their death all day long? The battle has been won and its not by me. The demon just lies dormant for a little while then comes back with a vengeance. I have a dermatology appointment for my hair that is falling out tomorrow. I don’t know what to expect. Could be meds. Could be something else. This also has me a bit rattled. I know, I know think positive. Thanks for that advice. Sometimes it can be so hard to put it in play, especially in this mind.
123 RV, SA, JW, RW,JZM, PA!
Happy Birthday Jill