When love Was Missing

tranquil-dawn-twilight-blues-ajaytao It is amazing how I forget
That those memories are the
filter I see this day through
You see I dont recall that I see
most things through the light of then
When I think it is now
It is not in my mind but
night-owlin my body those memories are held
Since I had to shut them all down
to blind myself from those images that hurt
thinking that if I didnt I would surely die
Because that is how it felt way way back when
love was missing and I didnt know why.

I was sitting in my favorite meeting yesterday the_colours_of_the_peacockand learned that a man I had gone to high school was laying down sleeping on the concrete outside the meeting door.  A friend of mine, who grew up here also, told all of us who it was. It was a guy who I had  gone to high school with.  I would not have recognized him if my friend hadn’t said his name.

water-dropThat has deeply affected me.  I have been deep in sadness since then.  I also realized this morning that my sobriety birthday is coming up.  It is amazing to me that it has always been a sad time for me, but it has.  One might think that it would be a time of joy but it is not.  Those last few weeks before I got sober were the lowest of my life.  I can still feel that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization of that night outside my hometown when my girlfriend told me how much of an asshole I was and I could not disagree with her.

tree-tunnel-californiaMy sobriety day also happens to be my late father’s birthday.  My relationship with him was the basis for the poem above.  So I have always known that being sober was a mixed blessing to say the least.

So I am in a sad state that I cant understand.  It is not depression.  When I am depressed I am not sad.  I am dead on the inside when I am in the depths of depression.

Joseph CampbellThe day I got sober is also the day that one of my mentors in life, Joseph Campbell, passed away.  Even though I never met him, he had more effect on my life than almost any man, except for maybe Bruce!

123 RV, SA, RW, JZ, PH, PA, JW, Jimmy C!


I wrote a version of the poem above in response to a friends blog.  It moved me enough to work with it a little and post it here.


2 thoughts on “When love Was Missing

  1. Dear Jim,
    When I was in therapy, I remember coming to realize that, as much they sometimes are unpleasant, I needed my feelings. That numbing from too many past wounds, too big and incomprehensible for a child, protects us, keeping us alive, hopefully, for times like this when we find our way back into feelings without being devastated.

    Sorry to hear about your friend…


  2. I like the poem very much. I always tell myself that, yes, these times are sad, but at least I’m not dead inside. It’s also not only ok to feel sadness, but it prevents the dead inside feeling from coming again sometimes. Facing reality is a necessary difficulty. Just my thoughts on the matter.

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