It is amazing how I forget
That those memories are the
filter I see this day through
You see I dont recall that I see
most things through the light of then
When I think it is now
It is not in my mind but
in my body those memories are held
Since I had to shut them all down
to blind myself from those images that hurt
thinking that if I didnt I would surely die
Because that is how it felt way way back when
love was missing and I didnt know why.
I was sitting in my favorite meeting yesterday and learned that a man I had gone to high school was laying down sleeping on the concrete outside the meeting door. A friend of mine, who grew up here also, told all of us who it was. It was a guy who I had gone to high school with. I would not have recognized him if my friend hadn’t said his name.
That has deeply affected me. I have been deep in sadness since then. I also realized this morning that my sobriety birthday is coming up. It is amazing to me that it has always been a sad time for me, but it has. One might think that it would be a time of joy but it is not. Those last few weeks before I got sober were the lowest of my life. I can still feel that pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization of that night outside my hometown when my girlfriend told me how much of an asshole I was and I could not disagree with her.
So I am in a sad state that I cant understand. It is not depression. When I am depressed I am not sad. I am dead on the inside when I am in the depths of depression.
The day I got sober is also the day that one of my mentors in life, Joseph Campbell, passed away. Even though I never met him, he had more effect on my life than almost any man, except for maybe Bruce!
123 RV, SA, RW, JZ, PH, PA, JW, Jimmy C!
I wrote a version of the poem above in response to a friends blog. It moved me enough to work with it a little and post it here.