“The knowledge of the heart…”

full-moon-ajaytao “…is in no book and is not to be found in the mouth of any teacher.”

Wow! I took a test today and scored 100%! Isn’t that awesome? I will get to that later.
I was listening to a lady talk the other day on a TED talk* and she said that parents need not worry who their children hang out with whether they’re going to get into drugs and alcohol or not. She made the salient point that people are going to escape into whatever they can to relieve the pain that they carry from their traumas of their childhood. Sound simplistic?

hillmanAs I was looking at this quote that I’m working with here, I tried, for a couple of days, to understand how I could talk about this and not sound like a teacher. I realized today how I can.  I come to you as a wounded healer. As a wounded healer I am not as interested in giving you information as much as I am in giving you comfort and peace of mind and maybe, just maybe, a moment of relief from the anxiety and depression that you may suffer with also.

ceramic-pot-ajaytao“…the soul is everywhere that scholarly knowledge is not.”

I have been struggling since I went back to school to understand how school was going to help me help others. What I now realize is part of going to school is my own healing journey. Part of this aloneness, pain and the suffering of the wounds that I carried  for so many years is the path!
But I have to tell you that it sucks.

Where is my soul in all of this? What is the reason I struggle to validate myself as being worthy and helpful?

Oh yeah, my test score. I took a test this morning that apparently is starting to be used in a lot of states to help understand why we are suffering the way we are as a culture.  It is called the ACE test and ACE stands for “adverse childhood experiences.” Willem3655 took it this afternoon and it is reflected in his latest post.  I scored 100% on the ACE test. It is no badge of honor that I share this result with you. Any score over 40% allegedly  leads to it increased risks for serious adverse social, medical, psychological and personal troubles later in life.

10576235_1478792175702340_1648178438_nI have to tell you when I took the test and got my score all I could do is sit and cry. It makes sense now why it is that I’m so afraid of the world at this point in my life. The post dramatic stress and the complex trauma that I suffer with and am working through feels like a death knell.

It is now no wonder to me that  my reaction to life today is one of pain and fear and shame

leaves-exquisite-hues-of-nature-ajaytaoPlease don’t feel sorry for me. They’re only a couple people in this world I know that can truly relate to this how I relate to it. Renée, my brother Brad of course and my friend Steve.  I am not judging anyone else here and please, understand that this is not a statement minimizing anyone else’s plight.  We are all suffering.

For us, those of us who carried the wounds and sins from the generations before us,  to even be here is a miracle!

10671220_10154590625980694_4020566138315393272_nThis is why this statement makes more and more sense.  “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”

123 RV, SA, RW, BJ, PA, JW!

Quotes by Carl Jung

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svX3fEdVTLQ

I also attached the ACE test to this post and to the Resources page of this  blog.  ACE

finger-touching-nose-of-baby

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