Today I awoke with less anxiety than I normally have. And right now I am not really anxious, I am really fucking angry at this disease. Most if not all of my life I have never been at peace inside. And I know it. No matter my life circumstances. Good or bad. My mother used to always say…”my son, my son, you are like a caged animal,” and that would be it. Never asking or seeking why I was so uncomfortable or angry. This seems fucking silly to be even writing this. But I live in a trap. My mind. My house. My depression. My anxiety disorder.
Even feeling energy I do not know what to do with it. I want out of my own mind and body. And there is no where else to go but inside. To experience the emptiness and loneliness. Fuck I hate it. I fucking hate it. And I want done with it. The shame this anxiety disorder has cost me. EVERYTHING. My job; my AA community; my sense of self worth; my life. My fucking life. I am 59 years old and I do not know what to do next. I have not walked into my office for 9 months. 9 Months. And mostly I have not been with any humans for more than an hour or two at a time.
I just took the ACE test. I scored 9 yes out of the ten questions. The trauma I hold, I HOLD, inside of me is killing me and I am afraid to let anyone in. Therapist or AA friends or at meeting level. The constant state of anxiety has me on the run. I cannot focus or travel or leave my house for any length of time. I cannot speak to my neighbors. I do nothing with myself. WHAT fucking for.
I have always ended up right here, right here in this same small place of my own hell. To afraid to do anything, To afraid to risk anything anymore. Fall is coming and I am terrified. It gets dark and cold and it is usually when I suffer more than any other time of the year. It is coming upon one year since I became unable to function. One year. Dear God. What would you have me do. And where to do it.
I feel like this is not one fucking reason to carry on. I cannot get whatever it is that I want and never have.
Just peace of mine being alive. That is all ask for. That is all. Please GODS. listen to me, please hear me. I cannot take my OWN suffering anymore and surrender to it seems beyond me today. Whatever skill set I once had seems absolutely gone. GONE. Everybody I see has more worth than I do. I cannot stop measuring that.
It is a yardstick that I have become addicted to to keep me small. To affirm that which I was taught to be my parents
and the whole chain of my family of origin. Fuck everything and how dare I say that . Just grow up Willem. And do like everybody else does. Suit up and show up. How the fuck did I ever get to be 59 years old. And why.
GODS show me NOW where it is I am supposed to be and how to breathe. How to breathe. GODS help me PLEASE.
This was written by Willem3655
123 RV, SA, JW, PA, RW!