“The emotional self is the original core of self.”

10678665_846615558711981_6714548742233289239_nI have worked really hard to try to avoid the subject I am about to start talking about more consistently here, explicitly at least, because if I dont  start talking about it,  it’s probably going to kill me.

Many of my peers have the idea that at our core we are “spiritual,” beings.

I don’t agree with that. I think we are human beings who express ourselves through our emotions and our thoughts. Images that I hold onto in my unconscious are connected to, and I remember them primarily through my emotions. At times the images have been correlated to my thoughts as well, but that’s not as common.

10671220_10154590625980694_4020566138315393272_nI am strongly of the opinion that the basis for much of my dis-ease is those “deep seated,… emotional conflicts that persist below the level of my consciousness.”

“If we can get “high” for a time, perhaps we can indeed be God, or at least have the temporary illusion of an intact self.”

10633331_10152624694602978_8948054382377946607_oThis quote  so personifies what life was like for me growing up.

First a little background. I won’t go into to the traumas that I experienced but I want to tell you some of the ways that I tried to mitigate them as a child. I remember being drunk in church on Christmas Eve when I was five years old. I probably started drinking alcohol as soon as I could hold the bottle, way before the age of 5.
HITLER/JAEGER FILEI started smoking pot in the summer between sixth and seventh grade. I remember going into my homeroom class in seventh grade after having smoked pot. I remember the teacher’s name and I remember how funny it used to be when I first was getting stoned.

So this quote makes a lot of sense for me because when I was stoned or drunk I at least had the illusion, albeit temporary, that I was still intact.
630431And it was during those times, particularly after I started smoking pot, that I started feeling like there was nothing wrong with me. By this time in my life I felt that there was something wrong with me, all the time. I didnt know it was that I disliked myself, because it was still not dominating me like it did later in life.  There was nothing I could do to escape that innate sense of inadequacy that haunted me like a shadow except to drink or use!

CP41782056“His moral and mental inertia and his notorious prejudices are the most serious obstacle to any moral or spiritual renaissance.”[2]  It is this last part wherein my dilemma lies. I have incubated and nurtured,  however unconsciously, those prejudices I have against myself. What my defenses do now is say that if I don’t move I can’t get hurt again. That has led to all sorts of trouble in my life.

I face that trouble now.  Those prejudices which I created and nurtured are at a place where they are  harming me.  I have never known at the core level that who I am is okay because the disease Screen-Shot-2014-08-15-at-5.32.15-AMI truly suffer from is not alcoholism.

It is toxic shame.

This post is dedicated to my friends Steve, Renee, Pam and Rhonda.

finger-touching-nose-of-baby

All quotes, unless noted, from Ladson Hinton, “Shame as a Teacher:  Lowly Wisdom at the Millenium
[2]Carl Jung, The Symbolic Life

The picture of Mt. Ranier is from my friend Jessica from PGI.

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4 thoughts on ““The emotional self is the original core of self.”

  1. I’m so glad that you are doing well enough to be writing thoughts like this after A childhood that includes being drunk at five years old.

    Interesting thoughts. I wonder if we can be both emotional and spiritual at core?

  2. I think that this is true of people. Spiritual is more of a learned part of ourselves, we are born emotional. We have more of our ‘self’ in our actions, we wish to be more spiritual but are not. We can become better people, I do believe. I am a loving, caring person who enjoys what I consider a personal relationship with God. He doesn’t always answer prayers, it is like a benign Higher Being. I feel loved by Him, my parents and family, along with a few friends along the way. I liked they way you shared more of your childhood here, you have grown, changed and become a wonderful person, who has personal challenges to meet daily. I feel closer to you, because of how Open you always are. Thank you, as always, for liking my posts, all the different ones, too! Hugs, Robin

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