I was talking with my dear friend “P”tonight. I have been in a conundrum as far as how I am to proceed out into the outside world again. I don’t understand or really give myself any credit for surviving the events that led up to my depression and I think until I do, I am just swimming upstream.
Interestingly, I am not just talking about my childhood.
What I realized when I was talking with her is that my practicing law until 2012 has taken a toll on my mind, my emotions and more importantly my soul. I was constantly looking at, bearing witness to, and experiencing events and situations which would cause people to suffer from PTSD. The abuse that transpired in court rooms, in jails, and in other situations was enough to make me need to try to wrap layer upon layer of denial around my soul. Since leaving I have realized that I was constantly trying to put a bigger Band-Aid on my soul but I couldn’t.
“…and the wounds to the soul take a long, long time, only time can help…”
Here’s where the tension is for me. I figure that since I was diagnosed with this depression almost 4 years ago, I should be over it. I should be working through all of these confusing and befuddling situations which I find myself in quite often. I feel like I should be able to get back up on the horse and go back out there and do it again. There is a huge part of me that wants to do that but only so that I can begin helping other people heal their souls.
Really I want to start helping heal our collective soul. I have this big idea that I can heal the world. I understand that it’s totally irrational. I get all of that. Remember I come out of the church of reason, the law. And in the law someone saying something like I do, that I want to heal the world, would be seen not as a “reasonable person,” but as a deviant. The law loves to say that criminals are deviant. But a deviant is just one who is outside of the norm.
What they don’t realize is that their normal is unhealthy.
“…And patience, and a certain difficult repentance…”
When I first read this poem, and read that word repentance, I bristled to put it lightly. Repentance means, at least my mind says it means, Christian suffering. I must pay a price for my actions and repent. I can hear those evangelistic preachers on television, when I was younger, telling me in their loud bombastic booming voice that I “must repent and find Jezzuuss!”
But that’s not what the word repentance really means.
In biblical terms it means “to change one’s mind.”
So what about my mind must a change? That’s a pretty tall order the way it’s phrased. What I am hoping to do is to do like my friend Ptero9 talked about today in her blog.* To try to do the little things to love others in those little ways that make a difference in their lives.
But first I must love myself in those little ways. It is still quite a stretch for me to be able to unconditionally love myself the way that I believe that I want to love myself and ultimately the way that I want to love others.
I’m struggling today. I’m struggling to love myself. But as DH Lawrence says in this poem that these quotes came from, which coincidentally was the first thing ever posted on this blog, it’s takes patience to do something like this. And it takes a “certain difficult repentance.”
I pray to the Ggods and Ggoddesses that I am instilled with the energy to love myself enough to heal myself, then the world.
All quotes from “The Healing,” by D.H.Lawrence. * http://ptero9.com/2014/09/07/and-in-the-end/
123 RV, SA, RW, PA, JW!