Where the hell am I going?

siena-tuscany-steve-mcglannan“If you can see the path in front of you, it’s probably not yours.”[1] So the path in front of me is one of mystery.  My mind says, “Oh no.  Help me Mr. Wizard.*” Because mystery is something the mind only understands and feels comfortable with when it is used in the form of a novel I am about to read.

When I was a kid, mystery usually was saved for the mood of those who were my role models.  You see, I could not figure out what was going on in their minds and that was usually a negative thing.  The ramifications of my inability to figure out their moods  was usually realized in a forceful, negative incident where I was on the receiving end of actions that were sometimes very hurtful.  Not just in the physical sense, but more than anything in the psychological and emotional  sense.

stubborn-look1The psychological and emotional hurts are what the Ggod Dam Deamon has been the protector of.  He did it at the expense of my ability to be in the moment, but the Deamon was created out of necessity for self-protection and to make sure I didnt get hurt like that again.  If anything I owe my sanity, what I have of it, to the Deamon.  Okay then!  Thanks buddy.

So I have tried to harness and control mystery my whole life.  What has it cost me?  Oh I could tell you all about those dollars, buildings, relationships with women and friends and family. Those would seem tragic to others and have been that way for me too in a sense.

BJJ closeup green hatut the cost of losing the ability to live in the intuitive self, as Einstein would call it, is my ability to be  alive. Truly alive, because it is only in the moment that I can truly be present.  But to live in the moment means losing the ability to try and manage how YOU are going to treat me and what is going to “happen to me.”  I had to try and figure out how I was going to respond to my role models moods and have taken that to almost all relationships in my life.

Until I was willing to face those deep seated emotional conflicts, again, I was living totally in my mind.  That life predicated on “films about ghosts,” is the one that leads to anticipating the way life is going to turn out.

Northeren lights over icelandI am so glad that I don’t have to try that I have that power any longer.  It is such a freedom.

I pray for my friends to get the peace they need to get to be able to live in the moment.  To truly love and cherish this thing called life.  I don’t do it all the time, but I do it more than I ever have.  Thank Ggod.


finger touching nose of baby100_1608


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