Fanatic Stability

moso-chinese-ethnic-minorityI wonder where I’d be if this past year hadn’t gone the way it did. If I didn’t sit at the bridge on April 5th 2013. If I could reach out to a friend or a professional before I got to that point. Communication. It is a goal and it is my failure. I recently was hospitalized in both June and July. I guess I could say communication or lack thereof had me pacing at the bridge for 3 hours. I was really at a crossroads. I don’t think enough of myself that anyone would take time out to listen and support me. That is sad.

ibergeregg-switzerlandI’m a truly empathetic person with a big heart. I’d drop everything if you needed me. Somehow this isn’t the same for me.  The shame keeps me from calling or even texting. My mind says don’t burden them they have enough on their plate. Who am I to decide if they want to listen. It’s really up to them to determine if they can handle my madness. I never thought of myself as chaos, but it’s there.  But that’s okay.

lanin-volcano-chileI have kept most of my bipolar symptoms from my parents. Feeling they couldn’t handle it and I couldn’t explain it. I worry they are disappointed in me or think I’m crazy. My brother told my mom about a visual hallucination where I was hanging from the shower rod dead. She was rather shocked.

What I have divulged is minimal like I’m depressed or hospitalized or out of work. Not many questions coming from them.  They are not ones to be adele-minimum-detail-general-carbon-sketch-ddanosemotionally available, never have. The last people I call for support.  I do think they love me, they just don’t know how to show it.
My therapist said this is a big step towards acceptance. Not keeping secrets, not carrying this burden alone.

Alone. Why do we feel we have to do this alone? I know I do. I have a dear friend I can tell anything and everything to, tears and all without judgement yet I do not reach out to him. I just carry it with me like baggage. A heavy duffel bag full of emotion and hurt. Sometimes demon appear but right now I feel stronger. The duffel bag is lighter. I sure as hell hope this feeling stays for awhile.

DSC_0050.JPGHere comes that fear this period of good mood is only temporary. The past has given me about 2 months of “stability.”  But I just need to breathe and stay in the moment. I cannot predict my next episode. I need to enjoy right now

123 Everyone

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