“Suicidal depression is a state of…”

flicker (I read this quote the other day and just free form responded to it from my perspective when  the depression is deep.  Trigger warning)

“”Suicidal depression is a state of cold, agitated horror and relentless despair.”   The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is “Oh my fucking God, do I have to do this?” Then I think, “what is the reason that I need to be here? There’s no good goddamn reason why I even exist in this world.”

No matter what, everything I look at means nothing. Everything I listen to means nothing. Every thought I think about is a waste of time. Nothing brings a smile to my face. All I know is I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t tell you nor can you help me even if you knew.

Tunnel Yosemite“…The things that you most love in life leach away.”

Smiling faces are history. Warmth and closeness is something in a TV show or in a movie. No one wants to see me nor do I want to see anyone. When you try to get close to me, I kick you in the shins. When you tell me how much you care about me, inside I hate you.

an-elderly-man-fairyartosFamily goes away. If they don’t go away from me, I damn sure don’t wait from them to help or love me. Children are just images from some time in history. Loved ones are behind that ten foot tall wall of despair and rage.
Things that I love to do; gardening, hiking, fishing, loving, eating out, going to events, hanging out with friends, all the shit goes away, slowly or quickly.

“…Everything is an effort, all day and throughout the night.”

enhanced-buzz-charcola-sketch-dirk-dzimirskyIt’s an effort to open my eyes. It’s an effort to take a breath. It’s an effort to take the blankets off my body. The hardest challenge of all is to put my feet on the floor. The worst part of it all is to go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and see my own face. I don’t want to shave, I don’t want to brush my teeth, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to put on clean clothes.

Then I make myself go in the kitchen and try to convince myself that I deserve to eat food. I convince myself that I deserve to drink water and that I’m worth going shopping for. I have to convince myself continually all day long that is okay for me to be alive. I had to convince myself that it’s okay for me to fucking exist in this world.

“…There is no hope, no point, no nothing.”

Uncle JimThe most gratitude I get is when the sun goes down and the day time is gone. In the nighttime I can’t see the outside world anywhere so I don’t have to think about what was going on outside of my four walls. In my world that means that the only thing that exists is between my two ears. It is a living hell.

I wake up all hours of the night. I’m grateful for talk radio because that reality, even though what they are talking about is not important at all, takes over in the moment and the despair is less. At least I can think about something else besides how fucked I am for at least that second between unconscious and consciousness.

There were many times during the week when the only reason I would exist was to drink my Peet’s coffee. I would only go out of the house to go to therapy and to get food. The rest of the time I did not go out. Why do anything? I’m just going to fucking die.

JJ closeup green hatThis post is dedicated to my dear friend in Sacramento and to all people who suffer like this. You are not alone and I get the despair.  I am not in this place now, but I am one triggering event away from it.

Quotes by Kay Redfield Jamison.

Happy Birthday to the Leprechaun





5 thoughts on ““Suicidal depression is a state of…”

  1. I hold out my hand to you. I am glad you are not there now and hope your friend will find a way out. I pray that you will not go there– but if you do, please write a post and let people reach out to you. You are not alone. You DO matter. You know if you get cleaned up and eat you will feel better, even if only microscopically. It is wonderful that you write this powerful post for your friend. You reached out to me when I was down. Let me reach out to you. I am here for you. Don’t push away from all and everyone. It is too dangerous. You remain in my prayers, Jim, and in my thoughts.

  2. Hey, Jim, s’okay by me if you need to hate from time to time. It’s not really who you are. You can feel free to hate me from time to time, because I can handle it. I mean that sincerely.

    I’m glad to have a window into your experience to know what it’s like when things get so unbearable.

    I am not about to tell you what to do. I am going to say, I hear you and I accept that this is how it’s been for you. I wish you didn’t have to suffer ever again like that.

    I’m just curious, if you had a friend who described what you have described, what would you want to say to them? How would you support them through it?

    All the best

  3. I would tell them that I was there. I would ask them what they needed or wanted from me. I would tell them that I cared.
    I would not tell them not to. I would not tell them that they are loved by others. I would not tell them that they would be leaving all of their family/friends. I would not tell them they have so much going for them. I would not point out to them things they already know and are still suicidal.
    For me it is about listening and loving..

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